Dáil Sketch:Lucky Bertie always lands on his feet. In the unlikely event of him getting the elbow after July of next year, he will not have to join a queue of driving test applicants hoping to cast off the fetters of provisional licence status, writes Miriam Lord.
So while a move out of public life might initially prove traumatic for the Taoiseach, at least he will never have to drive himself to the post office to collect one of his pensions.
Former taoisigh enjoy a car and full-time Garda driver for the rest of their lives. In Bertie's case, this is a pity, as he once showed early promise in the motoring department.
It is unclear whether he was driving on a full or a provisional licence at the time, but either way, he had a responsible adult by the name of Celia Larkin beside him in the passenger seat at the time.
It was back in the early 1990s when Bertie embarked on his celebrated road trip from Drumcondra to O'Connell Street and back again. People are still talking about it.
He found parking in the vicinity of the Allied Irish Bank, expertly manoeuvring his vehicle into a precious space with skill reminiscent of a young Stirling Moss. (That is the man's name, and does not imply any connection with a foreign currency.) Then, despite having £50,000 in cash in the car, he drove back to base with a cool head and didn't crash into anything.
Since then, Bertie's licence has lapsed, along with his memory of that thrilling jaunt to the AIB. Should he ever wish to reacquaint himself with the joys of recreational driving, he will have to sit his test, and then he won't be able to drive on his own for two years.
Mind you, that wouldn't be a major problem, as he hasn't travelled on his own in a car for the best part of 20 years. All he would have to do is swap places with his Garda driver, who would then become his Garda passenger.
After 24 months Bertie Ahern would be able to hit the open road, a fully-fledged driver and happy to be motoring along on the right side of the law.
This is way things should be here. The Taoiseach was appalled yesterday at the thought that there are people driving around this country on their fifth provisional licence; nay, on their 17th, 18th and even 20th provisional licence.
It is only right that these drivers abide by the rules.
He is fully behind his Minister for Transport, who announced last week that strict new regulations governing drivers with provisional licences would be implemented in four days' time.
Said drivers, hundreds of thousands of them who also happen to be voters, protested loudly.
Whereupon Minister Noel Dempsey executed a perfect handbrake turn and said the changes in the licensing system would not be implemented after all.
The Opposition looked for his resignation yesterday. "Monumental fiasco," thundered Enda Kenny, outlining a litany of gaffes littering Noel's ministerial CV.
Mr Dempsey now says his neck is on the line if he doesn't clear the driving test backlog by next June, Enda reminded Bertie. If he fails to deliver by this deadline, will he sack his Minister?
The Taoiseach didn't need to waffle. He looked straight at the Fine Gael leader and said one word: "no". You see, he can give a straight answer when he wants to.
In defending his Minister, Bertie pointed out to the Opposition that they didn't know what they were talking about. Their figures for drivers on provisional licences were all wrong.
It's not 120,000 drivers, pointed out Bertie, it's actually 430,000 drivers. Then he said his Government hadn't know this either, which means they were unaware of how many people they would discommode by introducing the new regulations immediately.
Bertie seemed to think this was in his favour. The Opposition was baffled.
The Taoiseach was happy that his Government was showing such magnanimity in the face of their incompetence.
If people wanted extra time, he shrugged, "that's fair enough". But Bertie knows where he stands. "Though, in my view, they are breaking the laws of the land." He's right.
As for those people who are complaining? Let them get chauffeurs.