Comedian Kevin Gildea scores a world-first with this literally incredible stay-over interview with Bono in his special PR bed.
MON. 5 a.m. I awake in Bono's Triple Bed in his Master Bedroom. This is Bono's PR bed - the one he sleeps in if ever anybody is writing a stay-over article on him. I awake in discomfort for my skin is raw and red - friction burns I have received as a result of Bono's leather pyjamas bumping into me during the night. In a basket at the end of his bed, Larry and The Other Guy continue their calm rest. It will be another five or six hours before they are awoken.
Beside me Bono is awoken by one of his man-servant - Bono No. Five - a member of Bono's inner stable of servants. Bono No. Five gently raises Bono to an upright, seated position and plumps loads of swan down pillows behind Bono's back. Meanwhile, Bono No. 13 opens the giant curtains specially made from the inside of young kittens' ears; then he opens the windows made out of Waterford crystal; even though it is overcast outside, sunlight streams in to Chez Bono because Bono has a supply of sunshine specially piped in from Brazil.
I wish Bono good morning and when he answers, crumbs fall from his lips. It is a result of a controversial new skin treatment: Radical Face Pastry. Every night before he goes to bed Bono's face is covered in A Secret Dough and, as he sleeps, a special grill is lowered over his face ("not too close - not too far"); this grill is set at a very special temperature that will result in perfect pastry after eight hours' sleep. In the morning the pastry is broken very carefully by Bono's good friend, Dr Lemmy "Lemon" Lemmintal. Bono tells me that Dr Lemmintal is the pioneer of Face Baking for cosmetic purposes (his World Famous Happy Buns can be seen in the film The Elephant Man). Dr Lemmintal uses a delicate hammer made out of spinach to break the face Pastry. Once off, Lemmy legs it - he's got to do Kylie Minogue's bottom.
While Bono No. Five sweeps crumbs from the carpet, Bono No. 11 loosens the settings on Bono's bed. Bono has his bed on either of two settings: Compression Mode - in whichBono sleeps squashed - or Stretch Mode - in which Bono is stretched sleeping. By using one of these two settings on every alternate night, Bono manages to maintain an exact median height, which he tells me is "Important" for people who appear in public. He adds: "It is imperative that role-models always look to have the same dimensions . Hum," he says. "It's called Proportional Ratio Credibility," he adds pensively, dancing on the back of his sofa made out of expensively treated jelly. Over the years Bono has maintained the similarity to the way he looks in a way that is second to none. It is this sort of attention to detail that has kept Bono at the top of the Rock Pile for the last 20 years. "Hurrah!" suddenly shouts a Brazilian crowd at the widow.
Bono's Brazilian Sunshine Pipe is malfunctioning and has begun piping actual Brazilian Social Life through its piping systems. It's getting dangerous outside the window as Brazilians press in on the Waterford crystal glass yelling requests for their favourite songs and food. Somebody falls and is being trampled underfoot - there is flaky pastry and yellow liquid smeared on the window - it is Dr Lemmy "Lemon" Lemmintal (RIP).
Luckily Bono always has a Real Life Filter to hand which Bono No. 39 now pops in the Pipe head. Everybody relaxes - the atmosphere is first-world again.
3 p.m. Larry and The Other Guy are just getting up out of the basket. When they see Bono, they laugh and he laughs. They hug. I ask them what It's A Beautiful Day is about and in unison they reply: "It's about every day." Then they start skipping around the room dancing and miming to the sounds of the birds singing outside the window (I note that they are Arctic Birds and think to myself that Bono's Brazilian Sun Pipe is really on the blink). I ask them where The Edge is and the mood suddenly darkens, but quickly lightens again when I say that it doesn't matter where he is. I sense that this negative attitude to The Edge is going down well so I give the audience what they want - I say stuff I don't believe: "Who needs him anyway - he's just a hen." The three others whoop, cheer and cluck in agreement and I am ashamed at how I have courted their affirmation with cheap ornithological accusations. Bono and Larry and The Other Guy take out their Pokemon cards and Ribena. I make my excuses and leave.
TUES. 5 a.m. Bono is renowned for his charity work and we go out on to the streets on a soup run. It is cold and Bono is wrapped up in his Concern - the cold can't get in there! We arrive at our destination - people are lying out in the streets waiting for Bono. There are huge cheers when he arrives and starts dispensing Hot Soup and Oeu d'Hueuvres (these have been rejected by Bono's restaurant because they have not been properly spelt); Bono chats with the people as though he was one of them - people seem to like that. He tells them that in this day and age it is sad that people have to lie out on the streets in the middle of winter but unfortunately there's nothing that He can do because U2 are only going to do one concert and there was always going to be a huge demand for tickets. He wishes them all well, hoping that each and every one of them finds what they are looking for - that is, tickets to the U2 concert. He sings a stripped-down version of It's A Beautiful Day and then leaves the queue lying in the freezing cold.
FRI. 3 p.m. Bono has lead me blindfold to his Business Centre - a converted Diving Bell deep at the bottom of his secret Well. Down here, Bono can deal with his Money Business without feeling embarrassed. As he counts a huge bundle of money, he sings a one-note version of It's A Beautiful Day. Bono's excited because he has been offered an exciting piece of real estate - 300 acres of Heaven has come on to the market. This is a rare event and usually happens about once every 300 years - or so it is believed. Bono is so excited he goes to bed early with his leather teddy.
SAT. 11 p.m. There is a heaviness in the Bono household. The Edge has called around for rehearsal and the rest of the band are a bit grumpy. They have never forgiven The Edge for living in a house with his wife. The Edge plays some choppy guitar while Larry and The Other Guy make silly faces. Bono practices bidding for his piece of Heaven. Rehearsals are short because the band are such a Tight Unit. They decide to rehearse their Awards Acceptance Speeches. Bono is in inspired form: "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for making it such a Beautiful Day - and above all - thank you, God . . . my new neighbour!" Outside the window of His house, A Hundred Thousand Starving Brazilians shout requests.
I make my excuses and leave.