Of all the many adjectives available to describe the impending nuptials of Camilla Parker Bowles and her fiancé, the Prince of Wales, "romantic" is possibly the last on the list. Their entire unmarried life has been punctuated by events so bizarre and melodramatic that their forthcoming marriage seems little more than an underwhelming postscript, writes Rosita Boland
By now, the public know too much about them, and care too little. Who can see Prince Charles and Camilla together and not remember the unfortunate and much-publicised 1989 transcripts of the "Camillagate" telephone conversation between them, when Charles declared he would like nothing better than to be Camilla's tampon? "Romantic" isn't a word that describes that particular scenario.
But whatever the British public think of her, Camilla is here to stay. On Friday, the couple will be married at a civil ceremony at Windsor Guildhall, followed by a service of prayer and dedication presided over by the Archbishop of Canterbury at St George's Chapel, Windsor. The event will be attended by around 700 guests, more than had been anticipated originally when Clarence House talked about close family and friends. Queen Elizabeth will host a reception afterwards in the state apartments of Windsor Castle.
Camilla will then have an assortment of titles. In Scotland, she will be known as the Duchess of Rothesay; in Wales and England, she will be the Duchess of Cornwall.
Camilla will not be using the title the Princess of Wales, to which she is entitled. Furthermore, if Charles accedes to the throne, she will be known as the princess consort. Constitutionally, she would be entitled to be addressed as Her Majesty, Queen Camilla, but she has made it known that she does not wish to use this title. You do not need to be a rocket scientist to understand why: the memory of Charles's first wife, the late Diana, Princess of Wales, lingers on in the British consciousness. It is tacitly accepted by the royal family that some of their more vocal subjects would have strong objections to knowing Camilla as queen, a title they would have preferred Diana to have.
Camilla Rosemary Shand was born into a wealthy London family on July 17th, 1947. Her mother's family had inherited a fortune from Thomas Cubitt, a builder who constructed most of the West End of London. When young, she lived in the village of Plumpton in Sussex, and it was during her rural upbringing that she learned to hunt, a lifelong passion. Known to her friends as "Milla", she followed the standard route of the British upper class by going to finishing school in Switzerland and France. She then worked for one year at upmarket London decorators Colefax & Fowler - the only paid work she has ever done.
In 1970, Camilla met Charles at a polo match. It so happens that Camilla's great-grandmother was Alice Keppel, mistress of King Edward VII, Charles's great-great grandfather.
The couple hit it off right away and started going out together. When Charles joined the British navy a year later and was frequently overseas, the relationship faltered and then collapsed. There must have been many times later when both of them dissected this part of their past, asking hard questions of each other as to why they did not stay together.
IN 1973, CAMILLA married cavalry officer Andrew Parker Bowles. Bowles's grandfather was Sir Humphrey de Trafford, a multimillionaire racehorse owner. The couple had two children: Tom, born in 1975, and Laura, born in 1979. As the world knows, Charles married Lady Diana Spencer at St Paul's Cathedral in 1981. Before the wedding, Charles gave Camilla the gift of a gold bracelet, engraved with their pet names for each other, "Fred" and "Gladys".
Whether it was the bracelet, the rumours, or instinct, Diana discovered before the wedding that her husband-to-be was still having an affair with Camilla. She reportedly confided to friends that she was having second thoughts.
"You can't," was the legendary answer. "Your face is already on the tea-towels." Thereafter, Diana referred to Camilla as "the Rottweiler".
Neither marriage lasted, though the affair did. In 1995, Camilla divorced Andrew Parker Bowles, who married his long-term mistress, Virginia Pitman, the following year. In 1996, Charles and Diana divorced. In theory, it was now possible for Charles and Camilla to marry.
But a
year later, Diana was dead. Camilla had never been popular with the British public, and the extraordinary reaction to Diana's death effectively meant that it was impossible for Charles openly to involve Camilla in his life again for several years.
And so it dragged on. In 1999, they appeared together in public for the first time. In 2000, they had lunch with Queen Elizabeth. In 2003, Camilla moved into Clarence House with Charles. And now, they're finally getting married.
It is turning out to be a strange, subdued kind of wedding, which doesn't seem particularly celebratory. For a start, Queen Elizabeth isn't going to the ceremony. No matter how the courtiers try to spin it, the truth is that her absence is embarrassing for her son and future daughter-in-law.
Then there was all the fuss about where and how they were going to be married. Originally, the ceremony was to be in Windsor Castle chapel, but this plan was ditched when it was discovered that the castle was not licensed for weddings. A licence could be procured, but it would run for three years and mean that anyone - including Joe and Josephine Public - could marry there afterwards. Oh dear me, no, that wouldn't do at all.
CHARLES AND DIANA married before an international television audience of 700 million. Charles and Camilla will marry before just 30 people, and all media will be banned from the ceremony. Diana's face was on those infamous tea-towels, as well as mugs, plates and all the assorted commemorative memorabilia - in fact, all of the 1,600 pieces of official merchandise that marked her wedding. There are only 25 lines of merchandise to mark Charles's second wedding. However, supermarket chain Asda is offering paste imitations of Camilla's 1920s heirloom engagement ring for £19 (€28).
And then there is the outfit. We know better than to expect the large foaming confection that enveloped Diana on her wedding day. We don't know what Camilla will be wearing but we know who is designing it: Anna Valentine and Antonia Robinson of the west London-based fashion company, Robinson Valentine, known for its safely classical designs. The smart betting is on a suit. Colour? William Hill has halved the odds from 20/1 to 10/1 on it being peach, which is one of Camilla's favourite colours. (Its novelty bet offers odds of 1,000/1 on Camilla bringing out a "Get fit for your wedding day" fitness video.) While muted speculation continues about the outfit, we do know she'll be wearing a hat, and that it has been designed by Galway-born milliner Philip Treacy.
Mothers of happy bridal couples usually make the wedding cake, but really, those corgis are time-consuming. The wedding cake has therefore been made by Welsh grandmother Etta Richardson, aged 74. When Charles visited Llansteffan last year, he tasted one of her cakes at a function and was so impressed he has been eating them ever since. The recipe is a 50-year-old family secret.
"I am very honoured, but it is very good cake, even if I say so myself," Richardson says modestly.
No royal wedding would be complete without the royal poem, so the poet laureate, Andrew Motion will be publishing an official poem to mark the occasion. He has, however, had a little competition from other poets, also eager to mark the important event. The Daily Telegraph published a poem by punk poet Attila the Stockbroker, which included the lines: "It really doesn't matter who is sitting on the throne:/ They're all as dull as dishwater and should be left alone."
Attila needed four verses to get all his feelings down about the royal wedding. Comic poet Pam Ayres, however, managed it in four lines:
"My mother said 'Say nothing
If you can't say something nice'
So from my poem you can see
I'm taking her advice."