Wanderlust Network 2, Thursday
Nowadays, we Irish pride ourselves on how much we've advanced over the last decade. The economic turnaround has been little short of miraculous, and society itself, perhaps as a result of this prosperity, has become more tolerant, liberal and less judgmental. Divorce is now accepted by the majority of the people, while the Taoiseach of the country openly lives in a house. However, of course, there are remnants of the "old Ireland" still evident in the 21st century. Abortion, especially for women, is strictly forbidden, as is the practice of young people having sex outside of marriage.
This offence can carry a maximum jail term of 60 years, a hefty deterrent for the sexually highly charged as, by the time one would be released, the inclination would presumably have worn off (unless, of course, one was Father Michael Cleary). Since the 1977 constitutional amendment, no sex for young unmarrieds has been legally copperfastened, and there aren't any plans to tamper further with what the then Taoiseach Jack Lynch (who has a tunnel named after him in Cork) called "an excellent bit of legislation". As is the case with abortion, young people seeking sex outside marriage must venture out of the country to satisfy their desires.
Wanderlust on Thursday night followed these "illegals" as they travelled to Amsterdam in search of carnal - or should that be canal? * - delights. Holland differs greatly from Ireland in its sexual mores. Whereas in Ireland, it's illegal to have sex if you're a young person, in Holland it's illegal not to have sex. On the spot fines for young people caught not having sex are commonplace, and the small number of virgins are often marginalised by society and regarded as freaks.
Many of them have opted out of society and live in leaking barges on the less fashionable canals. How different from the Irish.
Last Thursday's show featured Patrick, a naive virgin from Tipperary whose lack of sexual opportunities in his native county had quite literally driven him mad, and Dympna, an extraordinarily plain virgin from Westmeath. They were both accompanied by the show's presenter, a man who, according to my partner, the nationalist poet, Orla Ni Suibh, who knows about these things, seemed very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very camp. In fact, she said that he reminded her of a camp, Irish version of Channel 4's Graham Norton.
At Amsterdam airport they were met by Ruud, a man who has had sex every day since he was 14, and Hilde, who basically seemed to be a prostitute. No doubt, the fun in the programme would come from the contrast between the simple-minded Irish virgins and the sexually energised Dutch pair. We didn't have long to wait. In the taxi from the airport to the hotel, Ruud asked Dympna if she wanted to have sex with him then and there, as he had not slept with anyone since mid-afternoon and the frustration was driving him mental.
Dympna seemed initially confused, but found consolation in saying a decade of the rosary in Irish and fending off Ruud with an iron bar. Meanwhile, egged on by shouts of encouragement from the show's presenter, Patrick was going at it hammer and tongs with Hilde the prostitute. However, he really didn't know what he was doing, and before the act was consummated, the taxi had arrived at the hotel, and the fare had to be paid. Needless to say, the taxi driver seemed unfazed by the high-jinks going on in the back seat. This type of thing obviously happens to him all the time in the swinging Dutch capital.
Next, we were off for a tour of the city's red light district, which comprises 95 per cent of Amsterdam. It was quite obvious at this stage that both Patrick and Dympna were having second thoughts about the whole idea of having sex at all, and just wanted to get home as quickly as possible.
To be frank, the natural horror and fear of sex to Irish people was again apparent, and, as has been recognised in the Constitution, the act is only really acceptable within the sanctity of marriage.
As de Valera once said, he only had to look into his own heart to understand what the Irish people were up to, and when he looked into his heart he certainly didn't see them having sex. They were more likely to be ploughing a field or baking a loaf of bread.
By the end of the programme, poor Patrick and Dympna had been put off the whole thing for life, and the smiles on their faces as they boarded the jet for the flight home were not due to the afterglow of romance, but to a vast intake of hash cakes.
Still, Wanderlust is very entertaining, and I look forward to further episodes.
* No, it shouldn't.
Arthur Mathews is co-writer of Father Ted
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