First some arguments in defence of the dire performance of this newspaper's entrant in the All-Ireland Monopoly Championships, held in Dublin over the weekend. This occasional contributor to the Irish Times property supplement finished last.
This was because (a) the dice was rigged; (b) in her day, whoever bought Ailesbury and Shrewsbury Road was almost guaranteed to win; and (c) she hadn't realised just how profitable assets like the South Circular Road and Kimmage could be. This is apart from the very salient fact that (d) she had no interest in being the champion anyway. Stupid game.
Of the 13 competitors who gathered from 9.30 a.m. in the Bank of Ireland Arts Centre in College Green on Saturday, about five were serious contenders. They included Mr Brian Gillon and his son, Matthew (12), who had just moved to Northern Ireland from Scotland.
"We play Monopoly at least once a day," said Matthew. "And I sometimes play it on my computer. It's great fun and it's a game that doesn't involve killing people." Well, not technically, anyway.
Also busy playing at property tycoon (that is being sent to jail, ruthlessly bankrupting people and erecting big, red city-centre hotels without planning permission) was Mr John Stephenson (48), the reigning Irish champion.
Mr Ekundayo Badmus (34), from Nigeria, with his impenetrable brown shades and cool demeanour, was always going to be the biggest threat to the defending champion. He has played Monopoly at least once a week for the last 20 years. "You need confidence, experience and an ability to assess the situation," said Mr Badmus, who works at the Jesuit Centre in Dublin.
In the final, when after just half an hour he had brought his four opponents to their knees, he showed no mercy for the person he was about to wipe out. "Just turn everything in to me . . . You have gone bust, man . . . Just turn it all in." The four other finalists just mumbled something about finding windows to fling themselves from.