New research finds Irish children facing parental break-up cope better than their US or UK counterparts. Kathryn Holmquist hears how our children manage when one parent leaves the home.
'Lately it has really hit me that my Dad doesn't come home around 7 o'clock," says a 13-year-old girl whose parents have been separated since she was nine. Her words communicate the pain of unconsciously listening for a car in the drive, a key in a lock, the hunger for a hug and a smile every day, not just during Saturday access. Her feelings show how, even four years after a separation, children continue to deal with the loss.
"It was kind of like someone had died or something like that. It was kind of like . . . he's not there any more. A pain in the head," says a 15-year-old boy, five years after his parents' separation. Such heartbreak is growing more common, as increasing numbers of Irish children are forced to cope with the emotional fall-out of their parents' failed marriages. Often, they have to adjust to the re-ordering of their family units as well, as they acquire step-families and half-brothers and sisters.
Parental separation in the Republic has increased by 135 per cent since the 1980s. In 2001, there were almost 2,000 applications for judicial separation, of which 1,000 were granted. Since the introduction of divorce in 1997, more than 12,000 divorces have been granted.
For many years and through two divorce referendums, it seems we've listened to everyone but the children, as commentators, politicians, lobby groups, psychologists and others have speculated on how children are affected by marriage breakdown. Often using research findings from the UK, or the US, adults have presumed to know what Irish children are feeling.
When in doubt, ask the children - that was the belief of the Children's Research Centre at Trinity College Dublin, when it decided to do a new kind of qualitative research, which is increasingly seen worldwide as the best way to understand the impact of marriage breakdown on children. Some of its findings, published yesterday, are surprising - for example, many children feel "relief" when their parents split.
The ground-breaking report, Children's Experiences of Parental Separation, by Dr Diane Hogan, Ann Marie Halpenny and Dr Sheila Greene of the Children's Research Centre, reveals the experiences of 60 children aged eight to 17, as they struggle to come to terms with a complex mixture of emotions - such as anger mixed with relief.
Children's greatest desire is that their parents get on with each other, whether they live in the same house or not, the researchers learned. And they'd rather have two parents who live separately yet co-operate in parenting, then two parents who are under the same roof and at each other's throats.
"When your parents get on great, everything is great," says the teenage son of separated parents, expressing children's need to feel secure not just in the love of their parents, but also in their parents' respect for each other. When parents don't get on, children suffer. So perhaps it should not be so surprising to learn that "relief" is a common reaction among Irish children whose parents have split up.
"I'd never want one of my parents to live a lie," one 14-year-old told researchers.
"The report shows the profound impact of children's words," a deeply moved Mary Lloyd, service co-ordinator with the Family Mediation Service, told The Irish Times. Last year, 1,300 couples - 90 per cent of them with children - negotiated separations through the service.
While the study size is small and does not claim to be representative, its "depth of understanding" more than makes up for it, believes Dr Eiblis Hennessey, of the Department of Psychology at UCD.
A new trend worldwide is to go directly to children to hear their experiences, rather than judging them from positions of authority. Having done this, the Irish researchers have shown that foreign studies cannot be used to draw conclusions about the Irish experience, says Dr Greene.
Take fathers' involvement, for example. Oft-quoted US research indicates half of children lose touch with their fathers completely within 10 years of separation. Yet in Ireland, this does not appear to be the case - while 90 per cent of children live with their mothers following separation, the majority of children feel they still enjoy stable, lasting relationships with their fathers, as well as with both sets of grandparents.
The chaotic lifestyle changes that we tend to associate with divorce US-style do not seem to apply in Ireland. Most Irish children remain at the same address after separation, attending the same schools as before, and this contributes to their feelings of stability and confidence. The lack of social mobility in Ireland is a boon, giving children community links that help to steady them during periods of family change.
Dr Greene believes the study highlights Ireland's unique social fabric and geographical intimacy. The fact that most parents who move out of the home after separation remain living in the vicinity of their children gives Irish children advantages over their US and UK counterparts.
Children typically react to their parents' separation with both negative and positive feelings, often simultaneously, explains Dr Hogan. Most children feel separation is the best solution for their family, although many have a strong sense of being different from other children.
The secret to keeping children feeling safe and secure during and after separation, the research finds, is the involvement of the "non-resident parent" - usually the father - in their lives. Children have high expectations that their fathers will continue to parent them. Children's greatest suffering arises when non-resident parents appear to abandon their responsibilities.
"At the moment I'm not even speaking to him [his father\] because he forgot my birthday," a 16-year-old told researchers.
About one third of the children describe as "more positive" their relationship with their non-resident parent following separation. However, 28 per cent of children have experienced problems with the parent who is no longer in the home, usually because they believe the parent is not taking the responsibility of maintaining consistent contact.
Co-operation between parents who are able to put their conflict aside to "co-parent" is the single most protective factor for children, the research shows. Many Irish parents handle this transition well, at least from the children's perspective. "These are very positive findings," says Dr Hogan. "There is no getting away from the fact that separation is difficult for children, but it's the way that it is handled that has an influence on just how difficult it is. All the children regret the break-ups of their parents' marriages and have feelings of loss, but on balance most feel it is the best solution. Children are most distressed when one of their parents leaves suddenly, with no explanation and no further contact. But most parents don't do that."
Irish families need a broad range of resources, if more are to cope positively with separation, the researchers conclude. Talking with children about the impending separation and consulting them about their feelings is crucial, yet many parents lack the skills to do this. Some even believe that by saying nothing, they spare their children.
Yet children see everything. They protect their parents, the research found, often refusing to tell parents how bad they are really feeling. Irish children need peer counselling groups, since they do not like to confide in anyone other than their parents about separation, but do appreciate being around other young people in their situation. Parents need post-separation courses to help them negotiate new relationships with each other so they can co-operate in parenting.
But will this report, with its evocative words, be enough to convince Government to provide the resources? Welcoming the report, Eimer Sampson, a family lawyer with Lavelle Coleman Solicitors and the Family Lawyers Association, told The Irish Times, "It's very difficult to get support for families, especially outside Dublin. You phone around and most of the time there are waiting lists and families must travel to appointments."
There's no doubt that post-separation parenting courses help parents and children, but where can families find them, asks Clare Cashman, recently appointed to the Family Support Agency. She says her Millennium Family Resource centre in Co Tipperary has no building and no funding for parenting courses and post-separation counselling. The only place families can turn is health boards, which have waiting lists.
Jean Garland, of the Ballyboden Family Resource Centre, says her services for children experiencing separation operate on "a wing and a prayer". If you can find the counsellors, you have to find funding. She manages to get hers from a bereavement counselling support group.
The Marriage and Relationships Counselling Service's post-separation parenting workshops are so popular that they're booked out until the spring.
The Minister for Social and Family Affairs, Mary Coughlan, says she read the Children's Research Centre's report cover to cover and her department is committed to providing the resources that children and their families need. The new Family Support Agency will be funded to the tune of €17 million in the new Budget, an increase of €2 million, she says. Two more Family Mediation Services are to be set up in the new year, one of them in her own constituency, bringing the total number to 15.
"This is the first time we have actually asked the children and this is very valuable research from a family policy point of view," Coughlan says. "The research is telling us the direction that we need to take - practical support for parents reflects on how well children are doing . . . It also shows us that Irish family life has changed and we must not be judgmental."
The new findings challenge many preconceptions about the fall-out from marriage breakdown. Such debunking of myths about separation is a world-wide trend. A 1998 review of 200 studies by Bryan Rodgers of The Australian National University, Canberra and Jan Pryor of the University of Auckland, New Zealand concluded that the absence of a parent figure is not the most influential feature of separation on children's development; that the age at which children experience separation is not, in itself, important; and that there is no consistent evidence that boys are more affected by divorce than girls. Moreover, emotional problems experienced by children during the separation process can be quickly resolved.
But for children to regain their footing, having been knocked off balance by separation, they need to be able to dip in and out of counselling and peer-support services. When they get this support, they show a sophistication concerning the ebb and flow of relationships that would put many older people to shame. And they definitely prefer re-ordered families to constant fighting.
As one 15-year-old states simply: "In my situation, it's a good thing."