Last week,
The Irish Timesinvited readers to compose fictional letters to Santa Claus. Here are the winner
and some other entries
THE WINNING ENTRY
Congratulations to Barbara Gibson, who wins a National Book Token worth €200 for the following letter:
Dear Santa, – I use the word “Dear” in my salutation with some emphasis as
I believe it’s particularly appropriate at this “present” time in the year 2011. God (aka Allah, Jehovah, etc) knows, I grew up in an age when writing the word “Dear” in a letter (the kind that employed paper, pen and envelope) was a term of affection or respect. These days (and I’m not just picking on you, dear Santa) it simply screams EXPENSIVE. Any words written after the name of the recipient of current missives invariably involve a demand to expend money, a plea for time to pay money or a bitter complaint about the value received in exchange for such money.
I am no Scrooge seeking a return to the days of Christmas Past, with oranges stuck in the toes of stockings (genuinely worn that very day) or crayons and a pad (with no “i” in front of it) at the foot of the bed. However, I am convinced that there must be a middle ground between the old-fashioned gifts of my childhood and those that sound like a euphemism for a visit to the bathroom. These and many others like them cost so much that I’m convinced they must be taking the . . . well, you know what I mean!
I am loath to say anything here that would undermine the beliefs and hopes of millions of children, but if you really were bankrolling this cornucopia of expense I’d be the first to congratulate and applaud you. Unfortunately, since you are not (and despite my genuine wish to buck the trend mentioned in my opening paragraph), I am begging you to use the rein, dear Santa, to slay the money monster that is consuming Christmas Present. At a time when everyone, from bankers to bondholders and developers to dole dependants, is being blamed for the state of the nation, I plead with you to remove yourself from the list of those responsible for the escalating poverty of the Irish family.
Sadly, I suspect that I’m probably much too late to avert the explosion of debt to which parents have already committed themselves in 2011. Nonetheless, I’m setting my sights on Christmas Future and hoping that you can create a miracle, one that promises to ensure that you, my affectionately dear Santa, will be the only person in the red at the end of 2012. – Love, Ireland,
BARBARA GIBSON
Lifford,
Co Donegal
THE BEST OF THE REST
Dear Santa, – I can explain. If you have ever read anything that implies that I have been naughty this year, I can argue that Nama was merely part of a Space Jamgame and the housing-market collapse was just an exaggeration of a badly played game of Monopoly.
This Christmas I only have three wishes. My first present that I would love would certainly be a large set of DJ decks and various other party necessities. The reason for this, dear Santa, is that the rumour that Oxegen will not be happening next year has left the country, well, gasping for oxygen. I think that it would be a wonderful idea to convert various islands – for example, the Aran Islands – into Ibiza-like party islands. (In years to come, the plan would be to spread the “party island” to include the whole of Ireland, but this is merely phase one.)
Another present that we would greatly appreciate this Christmas would be a box set of various DVDs delivered to RTÉ and TV3. This present would be intended as a subtle hint to replace various television programmes that cause the entire country to squirm in their seats, namely Tallaforniaand Fade Street. I appeal to you for DVDs in the hope that both broadcasters will finally notice that crying to a children's DVD has much more credibility than watching these programmes, and that the actors, in their time of unemployment, will be forced to realise they are not Kim Kardashian.
The final gift that I would ask of you, dear Santa, is the gift of a Tommy Bowe doll for every girl in the country. Not only have all Irish girls lost faith in mankind ever since Tommy has gone off the market, but the fact that the lady in question is not even Irish has thrown salt in their wounds.
Thank you very much for reading, Santa, and I really hope that you can make all of our dreams come true. Word of warning, however: due to budget cuts the fund for Santa snacks has been substantially reduced, meaning that the mince pie and carrot may be missing this year. We can, though, offer you the chance to buy a nice house at a reduced price, because we’re decent like that.
I hope that you realise that we have been extremely good this year, and give us the gifts that we all deserve . . . And if you don’t, please give us coal anyway, as the turf stocks are running low.
– Love, Ireland,
SIOBHÁN DALY (aged 18),
Ballinode,
Co Monaghan
Dear Santa, – Is a second Celtic Tiger out of the question? Even just a small one? – Love, Ireland, or what is left of it,
STINE TEPPAN
Dear Santa, – I’m a member of that group, that slight majority of Irish people sometimes referred to as “fair” – you know, those people whose letters you obviously haven’t been getting. What happened to all those wishes for equal political representation, for the breaking of glass ceilings, for properly funded sexual and domestic violence services, and for universal affordable childcare? You should seriously consider having your mail-delivery system checked for malfunction or, worse still, misappropriation of letters.
Speaking of which, my wish this year, being a member of the fairer sex, is for increased fairness in our country. Despite official posturing in this regard, it appears that fairness is, by and large, absent in our society, as women and children are particularly penalised for crimes they never committed. Budget 2012 has been extremely harsh on those already marginalised, as I’m sure your all-seeing eyes have duly noted.
Related, then, to my first wish, is a second request: please bring about true burden-sharing in Ireland, not just the kind used as a buzzword in debates vaguely related to the State’s finances but the type of burden-sharing that sees those who can take on an equal (if not greater) measure of the burden do so. As you know, the weight is currently unevenly distributed, with the most vulnerable being asked to contribute proportionally more. Please reverse this counterproductive and unfair trend by putting burden-sharing and fairness on the top of your present checklist.
With great Christmas cheer, and hopes for fairer and more balanced circumstances for all of the people of Ireland, I await
your imminent arrival.
– Love, Ireland,
DR CLARA FISCHER,
Irish Feminist Network,
Poolbeg Street,
Dublin 2
