RADIO REVIEW:'IT'S IMPORTANT that we mustn't panic!" Did I hear that correctly? These are the words I woke up to on Wednesday.
They were related to the €6.7 billion exchequer deficit. The public finances haven't so much sprung a leak as torn a hole in the starboard. Would asking people not to panic cause them to panic? No, silly. As long as these words were not spoken by a high-ranking government minister like, oh I dunno, say . . . Mary Harney. The minister was in a two-hander with Fine Gael TD Olivia Mitchell on Morning Ireland (Radio One, weekdays). Harney was on the phone, while Mitchell was in studio, which gave an immediate advantage to Mitchell. However, Harney was calm, eerily so, but Mitchell was very irritated, which played in Harney's favour. Why do economic crises always ignite the dormant passions in the opposition?
And so it went on: Harney took a pot shot at Fine Gael over their stamp duty proposals. "I'm sorry, minister, but you can't put this at Fine Gael's door," Mitchell said. "The coffers are bare," she added (twice). John Murray was referee/pot-stirrer, but there was very little to do except sit back. Earlier, referring to the end-July exchequer figures, he put it simply: "Bad, aren't they?" Harney quoted the same statistics that must be circulated in an official government pamphlet, "The Real Economy", to all officials who are live on air: we came from a low base etc. She said that no government could achieve significant cuts in the last quarter of the year. We must focus on the iceberg that is 2009.
Anyway . . . Bad, aren't they? "Yes," she said, "they are a continuing trend." Murray addressed Mitchell. "You're calling this the worst deterioration in public finances in the history of the state." They were good dramatic words from Fine Gael, perfect for making some political capital, probably not so good for the public mood or consumer sentiment. "I'm not just calling it that," Mitchell replied. "That's exactly what it is." I had a funny feeling she was going to say that.
Suggesting a bit of weird science, Murray asked Mitchell, "What would you do if you were Brian Lenihan?" Mitchell had no knock-'em-dead answer. She replied, "Well, eh, uh, look, you either have the money to spend or you can borrow it. In this case, we can do neither because we're almost at the limit of what is permitted in the EU rules." Those are rules that can/should be broken, not fiscal bondage.
"These figures are not the result of bad luck," Mitchell added, "they are the result of bad management." She said nothing was put aside and there was no attempt to control inflation. Murray said they both agreed on one thing - there should be no income tax hikes. He effectively threw them a life raft, something to bond over. But Mitchell refused the gesture and sailed away on her own righteous indignation.
It's a shame politicians only really have fire in their bellies in difficult times. Their after-the-fact finger-pointing invective is just as much part of the economic cycle as volatile share prices. It would be nice if they reached across party lines in such times, like real grown-ups, rather than resorting to schoolyard slagging matches where they scratch each other's eyes out and pull each other's hair.
In more semi-regular light relief mode, I tuned into Phantom Daily With Simon Maher (Phantom 105.2, weekdays). Salaries aside, I'm not sure Montrose is the mothership for presenting. What do aspiring presenters do when they get there? Fester, as the veterans get recycled. Plus, on Phantom they're having way too much fun.
On Tuesday, Maher was tasting healthy/healthier breakfast bars. There was a lot of munching, "yum-yum", and crackling of wrappers going on, which was a bit irritating to listen to, but the Alpen Cereal Bar came out on top. They also did an item on mis-heard lyrics. With more people downloading tracks and not buying CDs with the official lyrics, it's becoming more of a problem these days. The item was inspired by the website, www.kissthisguy.com, its name based on a commonly mis-heard lyric from Jimi Hendrix's Purple Haze where he sings, "Scuse me while I kiss the sky." A nerdy controversy persists over whether Hendrix sang the "wrong" lyrics at gigs as a joke, but we'll never know. Since he's, like, dead. Look on YouTube, if you're bored, and judge for yourself.
Anyway, somebody thought Madonna's Like A Virgin lyric, "Touched for the very first time", sounded like "Touched for the 31st time". My favourite: the Golden Girls theme Thank You For Being A Friend: "And the card attached would say . . ." turned into "And the heart attacks would stop . . ."
Actually, I texted that in. I was having a mental recession with the political point-scoring and needed cheering up. A reviewer shouldn't tamper with the delicate beast that is radio, but it's too late for that now. So how about this for Harney's opening line: "It's rodents fleeing on a rustin' Titanic."