It is not unusual for parents to wonder what on earth they are supposed to be doing these days. According to Michael Hardiman, a counselling psychologist and author of the recent publication, Healing Life's Hurts, to understand the role of today's parent we must first clarify a wider issue: "What is our function as humans in a pluralistic world?" No wonder we have what he calls "a parenting crisis". In days gone by, Hardiman says, the function of the human in society was simpler, and hence the job of the parent more straightforward. Today however, "a healthy family is one which influences a child in such a way that he is able to take on the challenges and opportunities of modern western society - a difficult and complex task. "In a different era, a child could emerge from a family with only rudimentary education, and still be able to live effectively within the society. Today, such a person would find himself on the margins of society."
Modern society demands a great deal from the people living in it, he says. "Many are ill-prepared within their family of origin to take on the task of living in such a complex world." Unfortunately, the new generation of parents hasn't learned the skills they should be teaching their children, so we are looking at a crisis in family life. "It is the crisis of realisation. We are beginning to see the extent to which families are sick and dysfunctional." Hardiman admits that "dysfunctional" is a very fashionable term, used very liberally. In essence, a dysfunctional family produces adults incapable of coping with today's world, he says. How this dysfuntion manifests itself is more complicated. There is a range of patterns, such as extreme regulation - when "parents have closed their minds and shortcircuited their own maturing process. Having closed down their own development, they are unable to cope with the exciting and unpredictable nature of young life in its formation." Thus the natural development of the child is repressed. Alternatively, other parents don't provide any boundaries, give in to the child's every whim, and "the result is the growing wave of juvenile crime, drug abuse and hopelessness among young children of the middle-class, suburban ethos." Several patterns of dysfunction later, Hardiman goes on to conclude that having grown up thus debilitated, these children grow up to parent their own children in an equally dysfunctional way. Not a whole lot to party about here. School doesn't fare much better. "Our notions of education and learning have been strongly influenced by the industrial revolution, and still reflect certain elements of that historical epoch." The system, he says, "might cynically be described as training little rats for the big rat race".
Like the family, school is preparing children for an adult life which has changed dramatically in recent decades. School creates an artificial division between leisure and work, the creative process and the productive process, he says. `Now that we live in the post-industrialised era, that of information technology and robotics, it will be interesting to see the effects of these formative educational experiences." His own speculation is that children won't cope very well, not having been taught the necessary skills, including "greater creativity, adaptability and abstract thinking".
Happily, it isn't all doom and gloom. Hardiman makes suggestions for a "healthy school environment" and healthier families - but, he says, it isn't easy. "We live in a quick-fix culture, in which simplistic notions about human change abound. These influences do little to help people who wish to confront and alter the way they live." Change, he says, is a process. The process begins with parents "knowing their history" - which involves recognising childhood hurts - then understanding the more negative patterns of behaviour which may have evolved from earlier pain and, finally, working towards changing those destructive patterns.
Ultimately, parents should aspire towards creating a family which offers a certain serenity, a sense of security, mutual respect, affectionate love, and understanding. "The crucial issue is the relationship between the parent and child," he says. "There are no rules for parenting. Once you can resolve conflicts and maintain the bond with the child, you're doing fine."
Parents still concerned about giving their children the emotional wherewithal to get by in our increasingly complex world should refer to the old staples - good communication, flexibility with rules, self-awareness, avoiding guilt. Finally, the good news. "This generation of parents is generally more enlightened," he says. "In fact, parents who are worried about whether or not they are doing it right are usually the people who are doing it right. It is the parents who don't think about it who are a concern." Parenting is a notoriously difficult task, he says, yet our collective future depends on the job being done to an exceptionally high standard. "So the issue of raising well-balanced children is broader than just the family. Society as a whole is responsible, which raises the issue of support systems and the degree to which what we have nowadays is adequate."
Healing Life's Hurts by Michael Hardiman is published by Gill & Macmillan and costs £8.99 in paperback.
Michael Hardiman will present a three-seminar course in Galway city in January. Booking details from Rachel (tel: (0902) 79062) between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m.
