Paola, my stunning new Italian au pair, arrived last week loaded down with dolci from her local bakery in Sardinia and a reassuringly good command of English. The children love her and it looks like this is one au pair arrangement that's going to work. "You are beautiful," Paola said to my middle child, Bessa, on first meeting.
"I know," said Bessa, nodding enthusiastically.
But it's the luck of the draw, really. She could just as easily have been a disaster.
It's crazy the way we entrust the care of young children to young women who are coming to Ireland basically to learn English. Yet if you cannot afford £350 per week for a live-in nanny, you have no alternative. The first thing to know about au pairs is that they are meant to be parents' helpers, assisting with childcare and household tasks for five or six hours a day - most of the time in the parents' presence. This has many advantages. There's someone to help clean up the children's breakfast in the morning, someone to babysit if you need to go out for a few hours, someone to help you through the witching hour between 5 p.m. and 7 p.m. when children are cranky and tired. How do you find the right person? First, at the interview stage, see whether you can carry on a sensible conversation with the au pair on the telephone. The au pair must also be committed to learning the English language.
A great deal of research shows that children don't learn language from each other, but they do learn social skills and behaviour this way. Before the age of three, children learn language through one-to-one interaction with a carer who reflects back, repeats and elaborates on their words. In this way, children learn vocabulary and sentence structure.
For example, when a child says: "Daddy home", the carer develops the child's language by answering: "Yes, Daddy has come home from work in the car." If the carer cannot do this, the child's language development is at risk. Language is pivotal to a child's mental and emotional development. From the age of six months, babies look to the carer to reflect back their sounds and expressions. Deprived of appropriate interaction, babies may miss out on important developmental stages. For this reason, au pairs should not look after children below school-going age, and certainly not before the age of three, advises child and adolescent expert Marie Murray, head of psychology at St Vincent's Hospital in Fairview, Dublin.
Another danger area is cultural differences and firm beliefs around the management of children which conflict with the parents' beliefs. There must be some kind of compatibility and consistency between parental values and the au pair's actions. Paola and I are constantly discussing - at Paola's insistence - the boundaries around my children's behaviour. What will I allow and what won't I? With a language barrier it can be difficult to explain, so I find myself spending a lot of time with Paola and the children demonstrating the boundaries.
There are so many areas in which this comes into play. Paola, who is studying law, was a bit shocked that I didn't mind my children getting muddy in the garden. Likewise, assuming that the parents understand that children need to shout during play, the au pair mustn't be shushing the children. Another example: matters of etiquette which may be extremely important to a continental au pair may be damaging for young children who cannot be expected to do any more than eat with a spoon at the age of two and who may understandably spill their milk occasionally. The au pair must be aware of the various developmental stages of children, which she will know only if she has worked with children - which Paola has, fortunately. An au pair without such experience should not be placed as sole caretaker of children who may be unintentionally endangered by her inexperience.
Children who are in school and spend the morning in, say, Montessori, and then are cared for by an au pair for a few hours, have the au pair's lack of language skills balanced by the valuable interaction with teachers in the morning, and parents in the late afternoon and early evening. That can be a good arrangement, where the au pair has a chance to shine. A bubbly, youthful personality can offer new games, cultural diversity and encourage new interests. He or she can introduce children to new tastes in food and music. Maintaining a good relationship with the au pair is also important, both for the family's and the au pair's happiness. Before the au pair arrives, ask yourself what needs of your own, as the parent, are to be met by the au pair.
Do you want someone who is loving and kind? Someone who will do housework? Someone you can trust to take care of the children while you go out in the evening? Make sure that the au pair knows of your expectations and is willing to meet them before you finalise arrangements. The motivations of some parents in having au pairs are highly suspect. Some parents want cheap 12-hour-per-day childcare. Others hire au pairs in situations of domestic violence because they expect the au pair to be a witness and protector, which is totally unfair.
There is no doubt that when au pairs are committed to learning English and have responsible yet fun-loving personalities, they can enhance family life and aid primary school children's development. However, a sullen, non-English-speaking teenager, who is with you only because she has nothing better to do with her life, can be as much liability as helper. 'Nuff said.
