Parenting Focus Kathryn Holmquist: A disturbing new trend is emerging: more and more parents report they are now under siege from their teenage daughters

Teenage girls are bullying their parents to the extent that even Parentline volunteers, who have heard everything, are shocked. Telephone counsellors have seen nothing like it in 15 years. One counsellor reported that half of her calls were from parents being intimidated by their teenage children. Boys bully parents too, but the growing trend is physical and emotional intimidation of parents by their daughters.

Parentline cannot give statistics because the phenomenon is so new, that they don't have a "box" for intimidation of parents by teenage girls on the confidential and anonymous reports that counsellors file. But they're redesigning this record card and putting a box in now.

Living in fear of your own child is not something parents can easily admit to - but it happens more often than we'd like to think.

I first got wind of this when two readers, both mothers, phoned me within the same week, each with the same disturbing problem. Their teenage daughters are perfect students, well-behaved and popular - outside the home. At home, however, they are shrews, intimidating their parents and siblings. Verbal and physical aggression, not to mention emotional torture, are their weapons.

Is this unusual? The following week, I met another mother, who reported similar behaviour from her teenage daughter. This girl is an angel outside the home, who takes pride in her appearance, is successful academically and projects an image of perfection to the world. At home, she is such a vindictive witch that even her older brother, who is much taller than she is, is physically frightened of her.

What's going on? All three mothers were asking me where they could seek help. My advice is always to call Parentline and/or talk to your GP.

Girls being physically aggressive is a growing trend. Hospital accident and emergency departments report that they are getting far more cases of girls who have been stabbed with broken glasses and bottles by other girls. Gardai report that on the streets, aggressive drunkeness by girls is on the increase.

Parents have been physically injured by their teenager daughters, according to Parentline. More frequent, though, is verbal intimidation and bullying.

The question is why?

Parents are afraid to impose discipline, suggests Rita O'Reilly, manager of Parentline. Having been overly disciplined themselves as children, they now shy away from setting clear boundaries.

In addition to this, children have become mistrustful of authority. Traditional authority figures - parents, the Church, schools - have all been exposed as having abused children in the past. Some children now have a belligerent view of their own rights, deciding to take the upper hand. While traditional authority has been undermined, nothing has replaced it. So there is no accepted code of conduct concerning relationships between children and adults.

Another aspect of the problem is "girl power". Girls were subservient in the past, giving away authority to parents and brothers. Now the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction. Girls are acting like boys, believing that independence is the same thing as aggression. They confuse assertiveness and negotiation with power-play. They haven't got enough role models of independent, respectful and respected adult women to base their values upon.

Girls, who were once oppressed, are now behaving like their oppressors. By the time this behaviour reaches crisis-point in the teenage years, it may be too late to do anything about it.

Some 16-year-old teenage girls are behaving like 16-month-old toddlers, throwing tantrums when they don't get what they want.

How to deal with this? First off, set boundaries for your children from toddlerhood. Many parents, O'Reilly suggests, are afraid to set limits. They want to be their children's best friends and are fearful of conflict with their children because they want "everything to be rosy in the garden".

Solving the problem of parents being bullied by teenagechildren requires many parents in a school to collectively agree on clear boundaries, O'Reilly believes. Parents should get together in groups with guidance counsellors and talk honestly about the problem. If parents can agree on a voluntary code of boundaries - concerning issues such as pocket money, curfew times, dress codes and so on - then teenage bullies will not be able to use the excuse that "everybody else's parents lets them do this or that".

But how do you set boundaries?

If your teenage child finds boundaries to be a new concept, because you didn't know you needed that parenting class when your child was aged two, then you will have to hit them where it hurts. Issues like pocket money, freedom to spend time outside the home, money for clothes and holidays, as well as telephone time, are all up for negotiation. Parents need to learn a new kind of authority, which isn't about black leather straps and emotional blackmail. The message should be simple: you must behave well in this family to get the benefits of it. Keep insulting or hitting family members, and your privileges are revoked. It takes guts.

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