Her TV show may give the impression that the children need fixing, but 'Supernanny' Jo Frost's advice isn't aimed at them, she tells Louise Holden

'Supernanny' Jo Frost is not the battleaxe that Channel 4 have made her out to be, despite the scraped-back hair and horn-rimmed glasses. She doesn't barge into people's homes and turn them into boot camps and she doesn't see children as problems to be fixed.

"Quite the opposite, actually," says Frost, a working nanny for 15 years. "Parents are the ones who need to change their behaviour in most cases. Every family is unique, but where children are misbehaving the same root problems tend to emerge - poor time management, inconsistent parenting, parental anxiety, lack of confidence. The environment causes the bad behaviour. If you want the child to change you have to look at the whole environment.

"We don't instinctively know how to do exactly the right things for our children. Parents are aware of that and it knocks their confidence. Many parents get in touch with me describing themselves as failures. If they love their children, and want the best for them, they are not failures. They just need to keep that love as a guide, but try something new. There's no point in taking a child to a behavioural psychologist for counselling and then bringing him back to exactly the same home environment expecting him to change. He won't. The change starts with the parents."

One situation that Frost encounters regularly is that of the parent who has lost respect for herself, and thus does not demand respect from her children.

"If a child hits you, you can't just let that go," she says. "It's a matter of courtesy, respect for you as a parent. When parents tell me what their children have been up to, I ask them: 'Why have you allowed this to develop?' Often the problem is lack of confidence and self-esteem in the parent. They may be feeling guilty for being a single parent or for working outside the home. The problem is not their situation; it's their attitude."

While Frost concedes that there are unique challenges associated with single parenting and working outside the home, she believes that if parents are good time managers, with their priorities in order and their heads "in a happy place", kids will not suffer.

"Make the best of the time you spend with the children," she says. "Make plenty of family time at the weekend. Don't let anxiety interfere with your parenting."

Single parents can sometimes allow their relationships with their children to be too open, says Frost. You can be a friend to them, but not the other way around. A friend provides an emotional crutch, and that is not the role of the child, Frost warns.

"Sometimes I'm accused of being old- fashioned," she says. "I don't object to openness and freedom of expression in a family, but I do caution against the relinquishing of authority. You are entitled to respect from your child."

She describes the problems faced by the parents of Max and Isabella, 15-month-old twins who would not sleep through the night, and their oppositional and jealous older brother, Jason. The family agreed to try the Supernanny treatment and appeared on Channel 4 last week making their first serious attempt at controlled crying.

"Controlled crying is controversial," Frost admits. "Many parents simply can't bear to listen to their children cry for any period. Amanda, the mother of these twins, could not differentiate between distressed crying and tantrum crying. I helped her to spot the difference and supported her through the difficult task of letting the twins 'cry it out'. Giving support to parents is the critical part. Books can tell you how to but they can't give you reassurance when you're actually trying to hold your nerve and remain consistent."

The other problem that this particular couple faced was a mismatched parenting style - the mother was so lenient that the father was being forced into a heavy-handed role. It was making him very unhappy.

"I helped them to even things out," Frost says. "By giving the mother the confidence to take control, we gave the father permission to relax a bit."

A confusing issue for many parents is how to react to bad behaviour. Is it better to starve the behaviour of attention by ignoring it, or to engage with the child who is having a tantrum or hitting you?

"Ignoring bad behaviour can work if the child already understands how you feel about that behaviour," Frost says. Therefore, parents need to explain, calmly and firmly, why bad behaviour is not acceptable. If it continues, making a point of ignoring the behaviour can work well.

One subject on which Frost is most certainly not old-fashioned is on the issue of communication.

"Telling a child that no means no, without any explanation, is a waste of time," she says. "That's what our parents used to do, but it's not good enough. A child will always ask why, and there should always be a reason. If there isn't, you'd better take the time to figure one out or ask yourself why you're saying no in the first place. Avoid going into auto-parenting."

So can a child, of any age, be changed from a little demon into a model child? Frost says this is the wrong question.

"It's not about changing the child. It's about changing the parents," she says.