Whose life are your children living? Be sure it's their own, writes Tony Humphreys.

Democratic family living is based on love and mutual respect. If only one person in a relationship is granted respect, there is no equality; this is true for an adult-child as it is for an adult-adult relationship.

Parents and teachers need to ensure that they demonstrate respect for the child and her rights. This demands sensitivity to achieve a balance between expecting too little and expecting too much. It also begs the question: whose life is the child living, her own or yours?

Mary, aged 15, is one of two children of high-achieving parents, both at the pinnacle of their respective professions. Mary had cleverly learned to conform to her parents' high expectations of themselves and of her.

Both parents have tough standards for behaviour and academic development. Excellence in all fields of endeavour is expected - schoolwork, athletics, piano, dress, manners and tidiness. Any grade less that A is viewed with strong disapproval. Everyone comments on how intelligent and extraordinary Mary is and how lucky her parents are to have such a "brilliant" child. However, Mary exhibits certain physical symptoms that the parents are currently worried about, but choose to do nothing about - she complains of stomach pains, has a nervous twitch in her neck, has nightmares and walks in her sleep.

Mary's parents are subconsciously neglectful in their "great expectations". Since Mary intuitively knows that the importance of success to her parents and the dangers of "failure" - for them and to her - she pleases her parents by living up to their unrealistic expectations, but she reveals clear signs of inner turmoil.

Mary's parents show a deep disrespect for her as a person; they use her merely as a means of enhancing their own prestige. Mary cannot respect herself or live her own life, when it is geared towards meeting her parents' need for her achievement. Unless the parents see, face and free themselves of their addiction to success, it is unlikely Mary will find the emotional safety to express how oppressed she feels and be able to discover and live her own unique life.

The sad reality is that parents can only bring their children to the same level of maturity they have reached themselves. No doubt, the source of the parents tendency to identify their worth with work achievements lies in their own family of origin.

It is the case that the source of a young person's distress can be traced back a minimum of five generations. There is no suggestion here that Mary's parents are being deliberately cruel. Indeed, they are as neglectful of themselves (driven by their overwhelming need to succeed) as they are of their daughter's emotional and social progress. However, as adults we have a responsibility to sort out our own emotional baggage, so that we do not block the progress of others.

Given the large rise in demand for individual, couple and family counselling, there is no doubt that people are attempting to understand and resolve their emotional baggage. However, it is sometimes the case that a parent will bring a reluctant partner, child or adolescent for help, but will not see herself as having any problems. When the counsellor begins to probe the influence of that parent on the marriage or the children's lives, no further appointments are sought.

The child who is considered "brilliant" in the family is rarely seen as being more psychologically at risk than the child who struggles academically. More often than not it is the latter child who is perceived as having a problem and is often brought to a range of experts to "diagnose" the problem. The reality is that both children are in need of help and the therapy of choice needs to be family-focused. However, the child who attempts to achieve the ambitions of her parents is more at risk because of the constant pressure she is under and her intense fear of failure.

In the story above, Mary's brother hates school, refuses to do his homework and causes considerable disruption in school and at home. The boy's subconscious strategy is to reduce his parents' expectations by "playing the fool" and being aggressive.

Whereas Mary has never been brought to any expert, Mark has seen several medical, psychological and educational professionals. Profound change is needed within and between the parents for Mark to regain his motivation to learn and for Mary to live her own life and embrace life as an adventure rather than a constant test.

•Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of Self-Esteem: The Key to Your Child's Future