Courage is the essence of the heart. Coeur means heart and we all need it and the encouragement of others along life's path.

When there is no encouragement, it feels there is no love and one experiences discouragement. Genuine encouragement is one of the greatest gifts we can give to children and other adults.

What is fascinating about infants and toddlers is their courage to take on countless challenges. In contrast to adults, toddlers are eager to learn and love challenges. Sadly, the parents' and teachers' loss of courage to engage in risk-taking damps down children's learning adventuresomeness.

Adults' fear of failure has led them to "play safe" - doubt about their own competency is manifested in the discouragement of children's efforts to do things for themselves and to take on new activities.

Next to the giving and receiving of love, encouragement is the most important aspect of child-raising. Lack of it is certainly one of the basic causes of children's difficult behaviours.

Very often children who present with distressing behaviours are children whose spontaneity and eagerness to learn have been frequently discouraged. Parents have forgotten the old adage, "never do for a child what he can do for himself."

John, aged five, was in the garden watching his Dad mow the lawn. Dad had stopped mowing and had begun to rake the cut grass. John eagerly asks his Dad: "Could I do that?" "No John!" he said crossly. "You're too small. Best that I do it. Wait until you are bigger."

Discouraged, John left the scene.

In a thousand subtle ways, by word, tone of voice, facial expression or action we show children that we consider them small, inept, unskilled and, generally, inferior.

The wonder of it is that children persist in trying to become competent, but the excitement and adventure of that challenge have been considerably dampened down. Of course, while there are some children who at least go for an average level of competency, there are others who become apathetic around learning. Those children who are driven to learn from fear tend to become perfectionists; they suffer from an over-encouragement, not to learn but to perform to a perfectionistic standard. They too have lost the adventure of learning.

Three-year-old Mark was determined to carry his own rucksack to the aeroplane with his parents. He was struggling and falling behind, but, nonetheless, there was a look of satisfaction on his face. "Come here, Mark. Let me carry that for you. You are too slow."

Mark was made to feel inefficient in the face of his father's ability to carry things easily. A further humiliation is that not only did his father take his rucksack, he picked him up and carries him. The child lets out cries of protest, but to no avail. He is now seen as "difficult and ungrateful".

Parental love is best shown through regular encouragement towards independence. This determination to enable children to do things for themselves needs to start at birth and be maintained all through childhood and adolescence. It is an attitude that needs to guide parents through all daily challenges and situations of child-rearing. Children have immense courage and it is the responsibility of adults to help them to apply and maintain it. The problem for some parents in encouraging children's independence is that they have lost their own courage and their cautiousness blocks them from practising this essential aspect of parenting.

What those parents require is understanding and help and to be shown ways out of their present difficulties. The importance of parents rediscovering their own courage cannot be over-emphasised.

Dwelling on mistakes and failures saps courage. Embrace the mistake, as it provides you with the wonderful opportunity to progress in becoming more competent. And when you try something new and it works, be sure to encourage your willingness to try new things.

Remember, failure and success are integral to each other and neither add nor detract from your personal value.

Remember that it is the challenge that counts and the aim is improvement, not perfection.

Notice the little improvements and trust in your limitless ability to improve further.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of The Family: Love It and Leave It