It has been one of those weekends. The fridge died. Then the four-month old washing machine broke down, leaving me knee-deep in dirty laundry and melted ice-cream. As I was washing out the school uniforms in the kitchen sink, the waste pipes burst. Then one of the goldfish expired and I had to find a pet shop open on a Sunday to replace it before anyone noticed.
Then the six-year-old sliced her knee open and had to be taken to casualty for stitches, where she didn't flinch. She was delighted about her bravery, because now she could compete with her older sister who is home recovering from surgery in hospital. Next the au pair's hand swelled up after she was scratched by the cat, and we were off to casualty again - where she got a tetanus injection.
When I heard a disembodied voice whispering urgently to me on the landing at 7.30 a.m. I considered calling in an exorcist. Either that or a psychiatrist - who cares, as long as they can fix a washing machine. I was relieved to discover later that the au pair's alarm clock has an automated voice alarm that whispers "time to wake up" in Italian.
By Sunday night, the kids were at each others' throats as anger and jealousy took over - they were fed up competing for my attention. Even the dog was out of sorts. By Monday morning, I was so stressed out that I was snapping at the children - who had no intention of getting out of bed, getting dressed and eating breakfast. In no time at all, the children were snapping at me. Driving to the Montessori, I heard my swear words for an inconsiderate driver repeated by my three-year-old.
Then it hit me: anger. It runs through a family quicker than a tummy bug. You know the old saying? The man hits his wife. The wife hits the kids. The kids kick the cat. There wasn't any hitting in my house over the weekend (at least not by the responsible adults present), but there was a simmering, subtle anger. Children, a lot like adults, feel anger when they are unable to cope with each other: they get angry about who sits where on the sofa watching TV; they get angry when one wipes another's game off the PlayStation; they find it infuriating, understandably, when a younger brother or sister butts in and ruins a project; they get angry competing for their parents' attention - a limited resource at the best of times.
Usually, the child who gets angry most often is the one getting the most attention - because the anger is being rewarded.
Children also get angry for the same reasons parents do - out of tension and anxiety about practicalities like getting to school on time. With everyone in the family under time pressure of various kinds, a cycle of anger can develop. Family members toss the anger, like a ball, around the house.
Parents can help children deal with anger. One way is to get ourselves sorted. "Stressed adults acting out stress in an angry fashion create angry children," says psychologist Marie Murray, whose advice is as welcome as an emergency parachute. "It is also important to see the world from the child's point of view," she says. A child has a relatively small repertoire of responses to stress, so that when children are unable to cope with something, anger may be their first impulse.
When they see their parents slamming doors, they are getting a lesson in anger non-management. We also need to remember what our faces look like when we're angry and how scary that is for a child. Our anger can fill the room.
First, calm yourself. Similarly, when your child gets angry, stay calm and detached from the anger. Wait for the anger to subside. Sit it out. Never get angry with an angry child.
If he or she is young enough, try to hold the child gently. When the storm has subsided, talk about it.
Get your child to recognise that the anger was out of control. Teach the child the effects of anger: a racing heart, a sore head, feeling awful. Find out why the child was angry, empathise, then talk about what a more appropriate response may have been. If a sibling has infringed on the child's rights, let them know that you understand it wasn't fair.
Let your child know that it's normal to feel cross, but also teach your child that there are better ways of dealing with stress and conflict.
The classic case with a toddler is the supermarket scenario, when the child wants something you have no intention of buying and throws a tantrum. Instead of rewarding the child (and saving yourself embarrassment) by buying the treat, hold firm. Then, when your child learns not to throw a tantrum when you refuse, reward the child. Take the child to another shop a few minutes later, and buy a little treat.
Rewarding a lack of anger is as important as recognising and dealing with angry outbursts. With a child who is prone to anger, you have to watch carefully to see what those anger triggers are. Monitor and talk about them. When a child resists being angry to a familiar trigger, praise the child.
Never take a child's anger personally. Usually, the child is angry because he or she has too much to cope with at that time. Your job, as a parent, is to help the child learn to cope.
For the parent, finding positive ways of dealing with frustration - whether the cause is a broken fridge, a burst pipe or a busy schedule - will show your child that it's okay sometimes to feel that it's difficult to cope. But that anger, however subtle, isn't the solution.
