Your child is not yours to control, so take a new approach, writes Tony Humphries

A parent's basic concept of parenting is central to how effective he or she will be in guiding their children's development. Many parents still view parenting as a matter of controlling their children, getting them to do what they see as right for them. However, there is considerable evidence that children are resisting this type of parenting at an alarming rate.

Children who rebel at being controlled are brought to child guidance centres and counsellors' rooms by despairing parents in increasing numbers. Children dare to do today what their parents would never have dared to do to their parents. What has changed?

The challenge has emerged from general cultural changes. Intuitively, children sense the democratic atmosphere of our times and are much more likely to hold onto their dignity in the face of parents' and other adults' attempts to exert authority over them. When they exhibit their right to say "no" to a request and the parent retaliates with "you'll do as I tell you", a vicious circle can develop in which the parents attempt to assert themselves and the children dig their heels in. They absolutely refuse to be dominated or coerced. Most attempts to subdue them are futile. Children are by far more resilient in a conflict situation.

They are not inhibited by social consequences of "appearances" and are free of the time constraints that parents typically work under. Sadly, the home can become a battlefield. There is little co-operation and no harmony. Instead, there is hostility, frustration and a feeling of helplessness on the part of the besieged parent.

Any time parents "order" a child to do something, they invite conflict. This does not mean that parents cannot guide or influence their children into responsible behaviour; what it does mean is that parents need to find a different and effective approach. Parents, teachers and other adults need to let go of their authoritarian ways and assume a parenting approach that is respectful and effective. It is important that adults realise that though the old dominating methods may have been effective in bringing about compliance, they were not effective in raising children's self-esteem nor in teaching them self-control and self-responsibility.

Many parents will claim that when they are being authoritarian it is for "the child's good!" There are a number of ways to check whether this is the case or not the case: Is prestige involved? Do you want others to see what an obedient child you have? Do you have a sense of satisfaction when the child complies? Do you want to be known as "good" parents? Do you want to feel you have the upper hand? Do you feel that the child should obey you?

Another way to analyse your "good" intentions is to look at what follows your interaction with the child. Does the child continue the same difficult behaviour in spite of your attempts to gain compliance? Does he exhibit defiance? Do you feel angry, resentful and even more determined to gain control? Real giveaways are your body posture and the tone of your voice. Is your body stiff and are your arms folded across your chest? Is there fire in your eyes? Is your tone of voice commanding, aggressive, insistent, demanding? When your intentions are good, your body will be relaxed and your tone of voice quietly firm.

Getting children to respond responsibly demands that parents re-evaluate the attitudes behind and means they use to bring about such a desirable situation. Certainly parents would do well to understand that the word "authority" means "authorship of self" and not control over another. Secondly, parents (and teachers) need to accept that they simply do not have authority over their children. Children know this even though adults struggle to accept it. Parents can no longer demand, control and impose.

This is the cornerstone of effective parenting and leadership. The parent, as leader, assesses the demands of the situation and works towards fulfilling those demands, not his or her own preference. Understanding, listening, encouragement, logical consequences, mutual respect, respect for order, routine and gaining co-operation all come into play in the quest for order.

Democratic parenting is far more challenging than the mere use of force, but the gains of the former far outweigh those of the latter approach: parents feel far more in control of themselves, their relationships with their children are far more harmonious and their children learn one of the principle goals of parenting - self-control.