Parenting: A nudge in the right direction for the stay-at-home childIs your adult child still living at home? If so, they may be a 'kipper'. Louise Holden reports on what you can do when your offspring refuse to budge.

Have you got a kipper in your nest? The first withering acronym of the year has been coined by the British building society Prudential to describe adult children reluctant the fly the nest. "Kippers" - Kids In Parents' Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings - are a million strong in Britain. In Japan, where they are described as "Parasite Singles", adults living in the family home are considered a serious drain on the ageing population.

All over Europe, children are living with their parents for longer. The Republic of Ireland may well be ahead of the trend because of our relatively high third-level participation rate and the prohibitive cost of housing here.

The nature of parenting is changing as a result. It's common now for Irish mothers and fathers to continue parenting "children" of 30 years - or more.

Some parents take drastic measures to empty the nest - evicting children, buying them houses, selling up and buying smaller properties or moving abroad. For most, however, the issue is not about how to get rid of older children, but how to relate to them. Adult children living in the home sometimes look for the trappings of dependency (no rent, no bills, meals cooked and clothes washed) without the constraints (curfews, house rules, accountability).

Irish parent support group Parentline has seen a dramatic increase in calls from parents of adult children living at home. Last year, 16 per cent of all calls to their helpline were from parents of adults.

"Adult children expect the house rules to change as they get older," says Parentline counsellor Rita O'Reilly. "However, many of our callers are not comfortable changing their attitudes about children coming in late, drinking or smoking in the house or bringing lovers home."

O'Reilly suggests a new approach based on the kinds of rules that anyone sharing a flat might expect. Many young people will have spent some time in a flatshare situation and will be accustomed to the idea of sharing housework, contributing financially and respecting the needs of the other tenants.

"If parents are disturbed at night by children bringing friends home late, they are entitled to lay down rules about that, as a flatmate would," says O'Reilly. "Most adult children can relate to the concept of mutual respect if you put it in that context."

The "kipper" phenomenon is a natural side-effect of changing socio-economic circumstances, and in spite of the unflattering term, many families are happy enough with the arrangement.

Complacency is not recommended, however. Most adult children living at home are single and the majority are male. "I live with my folks" is not a winning chat-up line and it's hard to wine and dine a potential partner at the family dinner table.

According to J Sean Curtin of international research agency GLOCOM, this phenomenon has broader social implications.

"By looking at how southern European countries and Japan deal with these issues, it is possible to form a reasonable idea of how the situation might unfold in Ireland. In Italy and Japan, leaving the family home and becoming independent at a later age is one of the key factors behind late marriage. Later marriage tends to lead to lower birthrates as fertility declines with age. This combined with increased life expectancy normally leads to the rapid greying of society, which itself creates another set of challenges, such as declining pension levels, increasing the age of retirement and an overburdened healthcare system."

For some adult children living at home the idea of moving out is too scary to contemplate, especially if they have tried and failed. While parents may be happy to have their child at home, it's important to instil in them the confidence to take the next step.

Dr Robert Schwebel of parentsoup.com urges parents to strike a balance.

"If parents do decide to get firm, I generally suggest it should be done gently and lovingly, without rancor. If parents ask a grown child to leave the home, it should be 'because I believe in you and love you too much to keep treating you like a little child'."

Also, there usually should be a transition period to go from being "too soft" to showing that you mean business and ultimately "believing" that a child can make it on his or her own. It is rescuing (doing too much) that can be harmful. When our children choose to be strong, we should be right behind them