WE'VE LONG since discarded the 1950s' image of the housewife, responsible for the smooth and efficient running of the home: everything had its place and if it was out of place, well, she put it back. Simple.

She even featured, proud and content, in her clean white apron, in advertisements for new and better appliances that would allow her to be an ever-better housewife and have an even-cleaner house.

In the novel The Women's Room, Mira was that woman. She was so ultra-efficient she kept a record of all the chores she did and when. However, in bitter rebellion against her status and as a symbol of the times, she threw it all aside and set about discovering herself. In her feminist reincarnation, housework just didn't feature.

Well, we're not living in the pages of a novel and at the end of the day someone has got to do the washing up. And whatever the reality, most women today would say, and rightly so, that housework is no longer a woman's preserve.

Indeed, they would emphatically deny any similarity to the 1950 model. But a similarity exists and is shared by men: we are madly house-proud.

There's no need to cite the rising curve of property prices to reveal the dimensions of the madness. Into these ever-more expensive houses, we put ever-more luxurious creature comforts. Spending on household items - soft furnishings, floor coverings, electrical items, etc - has increased by an annual average of over 17 per cent in the last 10 years.

And then, along come the children.

"THE PROBLEM belongs to the parents," psychologist Margaret Forde says. "Their demands and goals are different to those of children, especially teenagers. And somehow, things get progressively worse, to the point where every little thing on the floor is a source of contention."

So what is the trade off between a tidy house and a happy one?

You've cleaned and polished all around you. You give it an appreciative look and yourself a pat on the back as you head upstairs to give that floor the treatment. The children are quiet. Some time later, you come back down and are greeted by a trail of crumbs down the hall and into the sitting room.

The little darlings are watching the TV, shoe-clad feet tucked under them on the new couch. Reactions are predictable.

Forde suggests that a meeting of minds is possible: "Children can take pride in their surroundings and even young children have a great capacity for organisation. Parents have to work along with this from an early age."

Jean Larmour, an award-winning Montessori teacher agrees: "Children identify with their surroundings and everything being in its place. The Montessori method builds on this characteristic and it's useful for school and home.

"It works really well. After a short time here, even the youngest children automatically put things back in their place, having checked, for instance, that all pieces of a jigsaw are in the box. They know where everything goes and, most importantly, these places are accessible to them.

"We don't have big boxes full of toys because inevitably the one thing they want is at the bottom, so everything else must come out. Children can learn to take care of their own environment if they are shown."

According to Forde, "defusing the constant row about tidiness or respect for the house may involve a certain amount of re-designing or re-framing. It may be obvious to you, but it's not obvious to a child where everything goes. You must show them. Once they learn the basic rules, they will use them.

"Young children like things to be in the same place, much as they like the same story read to them again and again. With teenagers, you have to sit down and decide what is and isn't acceptable. Avoid attacking them the minute they walk in from school because you discovered a pile of dirty washing in their room. The earlier you have an agreed procedure, the better.

"Parents, however, may have to lower their standards, relax a little when it comes to how the house looks. A house with everything as and where it should be can be a very empty place."

AND WHERE tidiness is an issue, the problems can extend far beyond that. Leaving aside the stresses and strains they are bringing on themselves, excessively house-proud-parents probably constantly nag their children.

Relationships suffer - but, more important, the child is all the time being fed a negative message. We order them to tidy up and then we walk out of the and expect them to have it done in no time.

"Self-esteem will suffer if the child is always being told that he or she falls short," Forde says. "Not only that, but the child isn't learning what the right thing is and how to do it. They only know what is wrong."