Sunday morning. In trots a happy 18month-old grandson - streaks of moist, chewed bickey smeared on his trousers and t-shirt, baked beans on toast and curdling milk in a gooey mush across his face. Little sticky hands, stained bickey-beany-toastymilky-filthy, attack the walls before he rips through the house bringing down potted plants, priceless ornaments, lamps, the lot, in his wake. Mum and Dad beam with pride - "Look, isn't he great, he's so steady on his feet already."
Nineties parenting? The grandparents aren't convinced. Horrified and nauseous, they have to somehow curtail the rising panic, pick up and cuddle this manky hooligan of a grandson. He smells, he looks deplorable and he's systematicly destroying the place.
They know better than to say "Do you think we could hose him down, dear?" or "Would you mind chaining him to the wall while we have our dinner?'
True, he may be a bit less than desirable at the moment. But what price short-term abhorrence when you think of the long-term cost-effectiveness - this child will never spend years wailing away to a therapist later on in life because, from the start, he is expressing his needs, repressing no emotions, being himself.
Granny and Grandad will just have to learn to smile, breathe through their mouths, ignore the debris and dandle Master Charm on a knee. A bit of effort and they'll even manage to affect that deeply loving look, perhaps even go for a bit of a mucky cuddle.
The generation gap, it seems, is at its most obvious when it comes to parenting ideology. In fact, it isn't even a question of generations anymore - from one child to the next the whole thing has changed completely. To wipe the face clean or not? Manners versus self-expression. The debates are endless and perfect solutions unattainable.
Staying in touch with the latest trend is a nightmare for parents. What hope is there for grandparents? If family ties are to be maintained, grandparenting programmes are a must, something along the lines of "Surviving Nineties Grandparenting", with monthly top-up courses as required.
