MY INTRODUCTION to the pitfalls of teaching parents how to manage their children was a wet one. It occurred during my training in America's midwest.

I arrived at a family home to help them with their unruly three year old, who was known locally as `the Little Tornado'.

This fresh faced student was armed to the oxters with enough psychological theories to put Aristotle in the shade.

Brandon was a beautiful child, with a devilish grin. His mother showed me to the garden, where Brandon was playing with a power hose. Naturally, she did not want him to be using it.

I reassured her that what was needed was a firm, clear instruction to leave the hose alone. I proceeded to demonstrate this using the necessary gestures. Brandon flashed that smile which registered, `Oh yeah, jerk'.

I remembered the manual said if the child does not co operate the first time, you repeat the instruction and use physical guidance. I was committed to following through.

"Put the hose down," I stated authoritatively, as I moved in to complete the demonstration. At this point Brandon turned the hose on me at full power.

My next move was to get out of the garden as quick as possible! I managed that, but not before being soaked to the skin with my copious notes in shreds.

Crest fallen, I left that home bewildered that all my reading had failed me when I needed it most - and contemplating an alternative career.

BRANDON TAUGHT ME many lessons that day. First, I never demonstrate parenting techniques any more. Second, it never happens like it says in the book.

However, probably more important, one can never underestimate the wonderful individuality every child possesses.

On the other hand, it is possible to outline some ground rules which are the foundation to a positive approach to parenting.

1. Spend time with your child. This seems a rather obvious one but the demands of life in the 1990s can sometimes erode quality time with your children. When was the last time you engaged in an activity of your child's choosing for more than 15 minutes? You may be surprised at the answer.

2. Use praise often and enthusiastically. None of us gets enough of it and it is a highly effective way of managing behaviour. Think of how you react if someone compliments the fragrance you have on: no matter how many bottles are on the dressing table, there is only one scent to be worn the following day. Like the rest of us, children crave attention, particularly from parents. Most of the contact with your children should be happy and complimentary. It is very easy to fall into a cycle of nagging or battling wills with a child. This is understandable, but it will not establish your control in the long run.

3. Ignore minor misbehaviours. The natural instinct when a child does something wrong is to go over and proclaim how annoyed you are and threaten all kinds of retribution if it happens again. That's what responsible parenting is all about. Right?

Wrong! Getting in a child's face to give out is not much different to giving them praise. You are giving your child your undivided attention, the child has evoked a response where there previously was none, and none of the other children is getting a look in while you are dealing with the "wrong doer".

The classic example is when a young child uses bad language. While it is absolutely hilarious when first heard, if it gets a reaction you are guaranteed that it will be repeated many times more. Ignoring a minor misbehaviour is a very effective way of eliminating it.

4. Set limits to your child's behaviour. The voracious appetite of corporate business to create need where none exists places huge demands on parents. Television has set the standard on fashions, toys and food - so poor quality products are sold at hugely inflated prices. This affects children of all ages, who feel deprived if they do not have what their pals are touting. I would encourage parents to set their own standards that do not take into account the pressures imposed by this unscrupulous commercialism.

5. Discuss rules with your child and involve him or her in making them. A child is much more likely to adhere to a set of rules if he or she is involved in making them. Good communication is the key to a harmonious atmosphere in the home.

Of course, this principle does not Just apply to children. Managers and supervisors take heed!

6. Try not to blow your top. This is an easy requirement, but one to strive for. If you find that you are ready to blow that fuse, the best option is to leave the situation, if possible. If you have to remain, try the old deep breaths and count to 10 routine. Anything is better than seeing your child out of control.

7. Avoid giving in if your child is wearing you down. A friend of mine recently described how he has no problem ignoring persistent demands for sweets when the soap operas are on TV. But once "the match" starts his daughter can have what she wants. However, giving in after a period of nagging teaches your child that that is the best way to get what you want. The child also learns that if you keep it up long enough, Mammy or Daddy will eventually crack.

8. Don't expect perfection from either your child or yourself. Parents sometimes boast that their child was toilet trained by the time he was two, etc. So what? It is not a race. Children develop at their own pace and whether they do it after two years or three is of little consequence. Nevertheless, parents continue to be guilt ridden about late achievement of milestones. Comparisons with the perfect behaviour of other children on the road are common. None of this is useful to the family unit and should be avoided.

9. Catch your child being good. It is useful to train yourself to attend to anything that your child is doing well. When a child is playing quietly the natural response is to "leave weld enough alone". However, this is the very time to recognise your child for doing something appropriate.

10. Beware of relatives. This is the I where I incur the wrath of one generation and the approval of another. Grandparents for the most part are a law unto themselves. Often, they do not appreciate that lavishing goodies and presents on darling grandkids does not help create a consistent environment at home. Aunties and uncles are just as bad. And parents are reluctant to appear ungrateful. The best arrangement is for all gifts, no matter how small, to be channelled through parents and distributed when good behaviour merits a reward.