Children react to death in different ways at different stages, writes Kathryn Holmquist.

'We lost Grandad," a child hears its parent say. "So let's go find him!" the child suggests. When he hears that Grandad can't be found, the child may start to fear that he too will be lost, never to be found.

Euphemisms like "he went to his eternal rest" or "he died in his sleep" are frightening for children, who may become terrified of sleeping for fear that they will die.

Telling a child that a parent has become an angel in heaven is only going to make the child inevitably wonder why, if God is so good, he could take away Mum or Dad.

"Children do understand and grieve like adults - the same but different," says Mary Lynch, a counsellor who works with children at the Bereavement Counselling Service. She advises parents to never gloss over death.

Children should be included in funerals, they need honest facts, they need to see the dead body, to have an opportunity to say goodbye and they need to see their parents cry, she advises.

"If you cry in front of your child, you can explain that tears are like laughter. You need to say: 'I laugh when I am happy, but then I stop because I cannot keep laughing for long. It's the same with tears. I am crying because I'm sad, but I cannot keep crying.' "

Parents who bottle up their feelings and pretend that they are not grieving are showing their children that grief must be denied. Parents are role models for their children, so parents who can openly talk about their grief will teach their children how to cope by example.

Children tend to feel pain in their bodies, so children who are having difficulty coping may show sleep problems, challenging behaviour, tummy pains and headaches.

Children react to death in different ways at various stages. Babies under the age of two have no concept of time and their main concern is survival. If someone close to them dies at that stage what they need is for the feeds and cuddles to keep coming according to the familiar routine.

Between the ages of two and four, children will keep asking: 'When is Mum or Dad coming back?" This is painful for the adults, who need to patiently and repeatedly explain that the person is not coming back.

Children are curious and will have lots of questions about the ritual of the funeral - questions that need to be answered by caring adults. "Let the child take the lead in asking the questions. The whole idea is to be as open and as honest as you can," says Lynch.

Children may ask what Mum or Dad is doing in heaven. The adult can only explain that we don't know what happens in heaven, because we don't know anyone who has come back.

Ask the child what the child thinks the dead person is doing in heaven. Explain your own beliefs, for example, that there is a difference between body and spirit - that the body is in the ground and the spirit is in heaven.

As children get older, their questions evolve. They may want to know how doctors could let the person die. Children may even fear that they themselves were somehow responsible if, for example, they'd been jealous of the brother or sister who died. Parents who can talk openly will give their children the message that it is all right to talk about uncomfortable or embarrassing feelings like guilt and anger.

Losing a parent is bad enough without being told: "You're the man of the house now." "You'll be taking your mother's place" is also damaging. The child is an individual, no different than before the death, and shouldn't be burdened with greater responsibilities before their time.

Parents can be shocked by their children's reactions.

A child who has lost a brother or sister may want to run outside and play, even though the house is full of grief. This does not mean that the child doesn't care.

Children process emotions differently and cannot sustain intense emotions like grief for very long. They may need the outlet of play. Children may be challenged by others who say, "How can you be sad? You never cry!" Children, up to the age of 12, may have difficulty understanding that death is real. They may think of death as something that is magical and can be outsmarted. Learning that death is something that can happen to them is a major coming of age.

By the age of 12, children begin to understand their own mortality. They know that death is inevitable for everyone. "It's tough on them," says Lynch, "but adults underestimate children's ability to cope with it as long as they have support."

The Bereavement Counselling Service, Dublin Street, Baldoyle, Dublin 13. Tel 839 1766 (Monday to Friday 9.15 a.m. to 1 p.m.)