Fears of children's suicide and mental illness may make parents vulnerable to bullying in their own home, writes Louise Holden.Fear of children's suicide and mental illness may make parents vulnerable tobullying in their own home

The incidence of children bullying their parents is on the increase, according to Irish support agency Parentline. Just as the number of callers complaining that their children are being bullied at school gradually decreases, the number of parents who are victims of bullying in their own home is creeping up.

"A few years ago, we received floods of calls from parents who were worried about their children being bullied at school," says Rita O'Reilly of Parentline. "Now there is much greater awareness of this problem and schools have set up procedures for parents to use. Meanwhile, our callers are telling us that their children are doing the bullying at home. Parents are letting children away with this behaviour because they are terrified of the consequences of standing up to them."

The perils and pressures of being young in Ireland are well known. The issues of suicide, drug abuse, depression and eating disorders are thrashed out daily in our media. This is a positive development - young victims of mental illness can identify their conditions and seek help; parents are primed to spot the signs of trouble.

The drawback is that many parents are full of fear that children will cut themselves off emotionally, turn to drugs, self-harm or suicide. These parents are accepting the unacceptable within the four walls of the home because they would rather be abused by their own children than see those children abuse themselves.

"A child can be a threatening presence in the home without using violence," says O'Reilly. "Shouting, cursing, refusing to eat, threatening to leave, slamming doors - these are all typically 'teenage' behaviours - but if they are persistent and distressing to the parent on an ongoing basis, that's bullying." Parents of children as young as 10 have described such behaviours, she says.

Instead of taking control of the situation, many parents who call Parentline are afraid to stand up to their children. "These parents are worried that if they take a stand the child will leave the house. Parents would rather brave the abuse and keep the child close rather than push them away into potentially harmful situations."

While Parentline counsellors do not offer advice as such, they do try to encourage their callers to be confident in their parenting role. "These children need to be reminded who is the parent and who is the child, for the sake of the whole family," says O'Reilly.

Most schools and workplaces in the State now have procedures in place for victims of bullying. There will never be such outlets for victims of bullying in the home. The State could never legislate for the often subtle bullying practices that go on between couples or parents and children, but in many ways they have a more devastating effect than they do in the workplace or school. Home is meant to be a place of refuge, safety and security. When that security is taken away by a bully, a person is left with nowhere to turn.

A new book, Bullying in the Workplace, Home and School, attempts to equip the victims of bullies with their own set of coping strategies. The section on the home is written by Sr Kathleen Maguire, who has decades of pastoral experience dealing with families. She currently runs community awareness programmes on Confronting Bullying and Harmony in the Home.

"Conflict is a common experience in homes," Maguire points out. "In a time of conflict, we often do the wrong thing by panicking. It's very difficult to communicate in a time of conflict."

Where parents do not handle conflict with children confidently, some children may take advantage of that weakness and a bullying pattern develops. There's no easy way to unravel this cycle. Bullying usually involves a systematic attack on the victim's self-esteem - if a child or teenager has succeeded in making a parent feel like a failure, that parent is not well equipped to take matters in hand. Maguire advises victims to start the process by looking at themselves.

"Start by making a list of all your good qualities - it is important to maintain your self-esteem during this difficult time," she advises. She goes on to suggest listing the good qualities of the bully, too, in order to focus on the positive before confronting the issue. Talk to the child, letting him know gently and firmly how his behaviour is hurting you. Then look at the reasons for his behaviour. How does he feel? What is he trying to achieve by bullying you and how else could those objectives be achieved?

Obviously, measures such as these are only applicable in mild situations where there is, as yet, no serious physical or psychological threat. Where parents feel genuinely at risk in their homes, it's time to seek help.

The Support for Families Directory is published by the Department of Social, Community and Family Affairs. It contains the names and addresses and telephone numbers of support groups and counselling services throughout the State. Contact the Department at (01) 704 3000.

The Parentline support number is 1890 92 72 77. Bullying in the Workplace, Home and School is published by Blackhall Press, price €17.95.