I have a close friend who adopted a child from Romania, whom she has taught to see herself as an Irish girl with a Romanian heritage in which to take pride. The girl has never seen herself as being any different from anyone else and only recently, in fourth class, has the child run across any racial prejudice.

My friend wonders if this disturbing trend towards racial intolerance has emerged as a result of the influx of asylum-seekers. A few years ago a child with a darker complexion was seen as "special", whereas now too many children are being taught to see people of other races as a threat. The intolerance of many Irish people has been unmasked by the reality of living with people from other cultures. My friend wonders if her daughter has been targeted by children who observe racial hatred in their parents.

That may be so. Whatever the reason, the issue of race is becoming a challenge for more parents, whatever their ethnic background. "White" Irish parents have to deal with the fact that until recently we've lived in a racially homogeneous country so that, for most parents, instilling positive attitudes to racial difference is a new experience. At the same time, the parents of children who are from different ethnic backgrounds face the challenge of helping their children assimilate into Irish society, while retaining high self-esteem and pride in their differentness.

Be careful. As a parent, you must very wary of what you say to young children regarding race. Even if you are well-meaning you could do more harm than good. Under the age of six, children do not notice differences in skin colour and have no awareness at all of their own appearance in relation to other children. "Children who are loved, cared for, and shielded as much as possible from early experiences with racism grow up with a high sense of self-worth regardless of their race," says child psychologist Marguerite A Wright, author of I'm Chocolate, You 're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World - a Guide for Parents and Teachers (JosseyBass, $22 in the US). She argues that parents tend to magnify the importance of race and often use racial intolerance as a scapegoat for childhood problems which actually have their basis in negative parenting.

"In my experience," she writes, "young black (and bi-racial) children who have a poor sense of self-worth are no different from children of other races who have the same problem: they are harmed by insensitivity, abuse and neglect within their own circle of family and friends. "Most black children I've met who are well cared for have healthy self-images. Yet it is convenient, even politically correct, to blame most of the problems some black children experience on low self-esteem induced early in childhood by a `racist' society."

Parents and teachers need to understand that, developmentally, young children are not equipped to cope with the knowledge of pervasive racial discrimination, she urges. Be careful not to pass on your own racial prejudice and never talk about people in terms of their skin colour or race, she warns.

"Part of my motivation for writing I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla is to show that most young black children are not ashamed of their race. Indeed, like young children of other races, they are incapable of feeling shame about their colour or race unless they have been unduly sensitised about the issue or somehow traumatised," she writes.

So it makes sense that my friend's child, who has high self-esteem, has been able to shrug off being called "black" in an insulting tone by a minority of her classmates. It also makes sense that it wasn't until fourth class, when children begin to absorb the racial prejudices of their parents, that she ran into problems. Dr Wright is not advising parents to ignore racial discrimination, but what she is saying is that children who are prematurely sensitised to the existence of racial bigotry have difficulty processing such information, much less coping with it.

If your children don't raise the subject of skin colour, then don't you do it either. If you are white, don't tell them to be especially nice to the "black" girl. If you are "black", don't assume that your child's problems stem from that. "Unless your child initiates a discussion about skin colour, be careful about bringing it up . . . However, if the child initiates the discussion, by all means respond to his or her questions in a calm and supportive manner," Dr Wright advises.

Keep the role of race in proper perspective. In reality, race tells as much about a person as shoe size. While learning about racial identity and cultural heritage is important, learning about one's humanity is more important. All children are worthy and lovable, and that should be the message.

For further information on I'm Chocolate, Your Vanilla, see www.josseybass.com