THERE ARE many people who live their lives according to "shoulds" and "musts", "have tos" and "ought tos". These laws drive them to extremes of perfectionism, scrupulosity, intensity of effort, pressure to perform and long hours working.

The down side of living your life according to laws is fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of disapproval, fear of rejection and these very fears drive you further into the arms of the "shoulds". It is a vicious cycle, with seemingly no way out.

Typical examples of "shoulds" are:

. I should be perfect.

. I should always say `yes' to demands made of me.

. I should be successful.

. I should always look well.

. I should be clever.

. I should never let myself down in front of others.

. I should avoid failure at all costs.

. I should always be in control.

A further downside to your devotion to your "shoulds" is that it blinds you to the essential fact that loving is always more important than living your life according to laws. Christ wisely said to the Pharisees: "you make it as if man was made for the law". He strongly countered that "the law is made for man to use wisely and compassionately".

Love is always greater than law.

The sad fact is that most human problems are due to a lack of loving and the development of laws has been people's means of protecting themselves from hurt, humiliation and rejection. When love and caring is actively present between people there is no need for laws.

However, when love is absent or conditional, then adults and children alike invent means to emotionally protect themselves. The "shoulds" are one major means of protection.

I recall a teacher who was sent to me suffering from severe headaches and stomach ulcers. What I discovered was that he whipped his belief with laws of "I should be perfect" "nobody should criticise me", "I should be the best teacher", "I shouldn't fail" and "I should always be in control".

Before going to work every morning, he vomited with fear fear of failure, fear of not being in control of his students, fear of criticism and fear of rejection. Seventy five per cent of abdominal pain is due to fear, and most headaches are tension headaches arising from anxiety, pressure to perform, worrying and fretting.

This teacher worked long hours, over prepared his classes, said "yes" to any requests made of him by the principal and strove tirelessly to meet any demands made of him. His "shoulds" and consequent fears drove him to perfectionism.

PERFECTIONISM IS a means of guarding against failure and rejection. The source of his "shoulds" and fears lay in his childhood experiences, when no matter how hard he tried or no matter how much he achieved the response of both his parents was "but you should have done better".

By terrorising himself with the "shoulds" of being perfect, how cleverly he now tried to protect himself from further criticism, hurt and rejection. The "I should be perfect" became both a means and a plea to his parents and others: "if I'm perfect will you then love me?"

When you apply "shoulds" to yourself, you drive yourself relentlessly. When you apply "shoulds" to others - children, partner, spouse, work colleagues - you dominate, control and threaten. Examples of these "shoulds" are:

. You should love only me.

. You should be clever.

. You should be successful.

. You should be good.

. You should never say "no" to me.

. You should always be there for me.

. You should never lie to me.

. You should like me.

. You should always support me.

The child or adult at the receiving end of these laws can either conform (like the teacher above) or rebel against these injustices. When the child or adult conforms he or she takes on the "shoulds" and tries to live up to the unfair expectations.

The child or adult who rebels attempts to "pass the buck" back to the agent of the "shoulds" by aggressive use of "counter shoulds".

. You should leave me alone.

. You should do as I tell you.

. You should stay out of my territory.

Whether you conform or rebel, you are attempting to offset failure and rejection. In conforming, you attempt to please by making great efforts to measure up to the commands and thereby protect yourself from failure and hurt.

In rebelling, you attempt strongly to control the agent of "shoulds" so that no commands are made of you, thereby preventing any possibility of failure.

The way out of the vicious cycle of applying "shoulds" to yourself or to others is to see that your worth and the worth of children and other adults has absolutely nothing to do with failure or successful experiences. Your value lies in your wonderful, perfect and unique being - you are a one off happening in this universe that will never recur. You deserve to be loved for yourself.

Your behaviours are only means to experiencing this World; they do not add one jot to your worth as a person. Enjoy your behaviour, grow in wisdom and knowledge from it, but always realise that behaviour is something that is here today and gone tomorrow. Your unique person is always there.

When you unconditionally see and accept yourself, you are then in a position to see the goodness and worth of others - and to let go of the protective weapons of "shoulds" towards yourself and others.