MY LEAVING CERT:Memories of panic and dread still fresh in my mind . . . now what was it I studied again?

I’M PERMANENTLY scarred by the Leaving Cert. I fear the desks and turning over papers, and June sunlight falling on rows of students through exam hall windows. I regularly have THAT nightmare which I don’t even need to explain because everyone in Ireland has it.

Every June on the 2FM breakfast show we play requests for the Leaving Cert students and I feel so sorry for them because I remember the feeling so vividly.

We can never find a song that is exactly right for the moment which is why I wrote one this year (to the tune of Black Eyed Peas' I Gotta Feeling) so we'll be playing that this week. We will also play Baz Luhrmann's Sunscreen song because that always strikes a chord with the exam crew.

I did my Leaving Cert in CBC Monkstown, Co Dublin. My favourite subjects were art and English and I was hell-bent on a career in the film industry, so I was looking for the points for film school. I got into film but ended up in radio . . . because that’s how life works.

I think I did accountancy, French and geography as well. I remember the dread and panic very clearly, but I can’t even remember what subjects I was studying at the time. What does that tell you?

I was a real messer in school and I perfected my messing skills in Irish class. I was terrible at Irish. I don’t know how I ended up with a job in Radio Telifís Éireann. They’ll excommunicate me if they find out, which they just have. Can you not print this? Thanks.

I kind of took my foot off the pedal for accountancy as well. I was never any good with money and that hasn’t changed.

I did some serious cramming in the last two weeks. It worked for me, as it happens. I was told to drop into ordinary level business shortly before the Leaving but I crammed like mad in the last two weeks and managed to get a B+at higher level. In your face, Someone!

I remember clearly setting the Eurovision Song Contest as my deadline.

I promised myself that after the last ‘null point’ was awarded I would open the books. They don’t give ‘null points’ in the Eurovision any more. Or B pluses in the Leaving. But the June sunshine through the exam hall window still boils the brains of exam students and the feeling of panic is exactly the same.

I remember the little dictators who walked up and down the aisles all through the exams, breathing down our necks and making us feel like we were doing something wrong even when we weren't. Although some of us were. I saw people using cog notes. The invigilators who sat at the top of the room reading The Irish Timesdidn't notice that. But then neither did the little dictators.

There was one guy who left the first exam after half an hour and we all thought he was such a rebel. We imagined him outside drinking whiskey in the yard. I was much more committed when it came to the exams themselves. I had taken to heart the advice about presentation – I knew I hadn’t studied enough but I was damn well going to make a good presentation and grab whatever percentage points I could for the three hours that I had to be there anyway. You should have seen my margins. They would bring a tear to a glass eye.

I filled the margins with plenty of spoof and waffle, all gorgeous to behold. The entire contents of my brain went on to the pages, whether it had anything to do with Shakespeare or not.

I did all the things you’re not meant to, like reading a question wrong and only realising half way through the answer. I also made the mistake of listening to the postmortem on the steps and freaking myself out. And as for after party – that was a disaster.

Take my advice and, when it’s all over, have a nice cup of tea.

And now, when I look back I can’t remember any of it. I don’t use much of what I learned in school. The Leaving Cert is just a big test of memory. I don’t think a good memory makes you a good person. Some of my favourite people have bad memories. What were we talking about again?

EXAM PLAYLIST: JIM JIM'S 10 TRACKS TO GET YOU THROUGH

1The Leaving Cert Song– Jim Jim ( obviously... see the video on YouTube!)

2 Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen– Baz Luhrmann ( good advice)

3 Staring At The Sun– U2 ( June 9th guaranteed)

4 Fill Me In– Craig David (f or the multi-choice boxes)

5 You Havent Done Nothin– Stevie Wonder ( for the dossers)

6 Wrapped Around Your Finger– The Police ( for the cog notes)

7 It's All About Chemistr y– Semisonic ( for the baby boffins)

8 You May Be Right– Billy Joel ( for the spoofers)

9 Under Pressure– Queen David Bowie ( not Jedward version)

10 I'm A Survivor– Destiny's Child ( there should be medals)

TOMORROW The Leaving Cert memories of Minister for Education Mary Coughlan