It's happened to us all. You're in the playground, some little kid toddles over, a whack, a shove, your kid is bawling and you are overcome by the urge to annihilate a defenceless child. But imagine your son or daughter consistently tormented - ostracised, taunted, humiliated, maybe even beaten by his or her peers at school every day. How would any parent react? The expert advice is, of course, not to draw blood, but to proceed in a more controlled fashion.
At a recent talk organised by the National Parents Council (Primary) Dublin South branch, Dr Mona O'Moore of the Anti-Bullying Centre spoke to parents about what they can do if their child is being bullied. "The first thing to do is reassure children," she says. `They may have a sense from you that you see the bullying as a reflection of their own inadequacy. It is important to flush out any attitudes like this at home and ensure your child doesn't blame him or herself."
It can be tempting for parents and schools to underplay incidents at school, write them off as a bit of teasing, part of life - anything rather than face what can be a very disturbing truth. In her book, 101 Ways to Deal with Bullying: A Guide For Parents, Michele Elliot defines bullying as "the use of aggression with the intention of hurting another person. It results in pain and distress to the victim, who has in no way provoked it." Teasing, she says, is an entirely different matter. Teasing is playful, affectionate, a case of `both parties having fun . . . (it) is stopped as soon as one party wishes". Some children bully from quite a young age, and regardless of how trivial an incident seems, the effects can be very detrimental and long-lasting. According to O'Moore, parents should make a concerted effort to be honest with themselves if their child is being bullied and acknowledge how painful it might be. Parents are also advised to look honestly at why their child may be a victim of bullying. "If they have irritating habits they could stop, or if they take offence too easily, these are things parents can talk to children about and help them change," she says. "But if they are being bullied because they are different in some way that they can't change, it is important to help children feel good about themselves by looking at how everyone is different. Parents can play games with their children around identity and difference and what makes each human unique.`'
O'Moore also suggests parents teach their children techniques for dealing with bullies. These include "fogging", whereby the child learns to walk away without appearing hurt, laughing it off, or role-playing an incident, so children can develop more confidence in their ability to deal with bullies.
However, children are often afraid to report incidents of bullying for fear of reprisals. Michelle Elliot advises parents to take these fears seriously and ensure the school "deals with the bully so that it is clear that any further attacks will lead to stringent measures and consequences". The school should take responsibility for ensuring victims do not suffer any retribution for telling, she adds.
"Schools have a lot of responsibility in relation to how they handle any disclosures of bullying," O'Moore says. "All schools are expected to have a policy on bullying since the Department of Education issued its guidelines in 1993. Unfortunately many schools find the subject too difficult to deal with and have a tendency to put their head in the sand if something arises. "Concerned about the school developing a bad reputation, a principal may tell the parents this is the first complaint they have ever had - which compounds the victim's feeling that it is his or her fault. But it is important to insist that the incident is taken seriously, and resolved.
"If parents are unhappy with how teachers and the principal have responded, they should write to the board of management and the Department of Education," she says. "In time it will be possible for parents to take legal action under the Health and Safety Act if the school has been negligent, and they will be entitled to compensation which reflects the profound effects of bullying."
If parents are worried that their children have suffered a lot, O'Moore suggests contacting a qualified counsellor. "Where children have been very badly affected, counselling, especially art therapy, helps heal wounds and regain self-esteem," she says. "If children get the help they need at the time, they are well on the road to getting over it. "But we should be looking seriously at prevention. We still desperately need to change attitudes towards bullying. It is very much a taboo subject - children are accused of telling tales if they report something which has happened to them or someone else, and the idea that the victim is somehow to blame for being weak is far too prevelant. "Bullying goes on everywhere. In some cases it leads to nervous breakdowns, and even suicide. It is a very serious issue which needs to be addressed and dealt with effectively."
Parents can contact the Anti-Bullying Centre at Trinity College Dublin for information on counselling and literature on bullying.
