As society becomes increasingly secular, ways of celebrating life's milestones in a non-religious way are gaining in popularity, writes Louise Holden.

Do Irish families use Catholic sacraments as an excuse for a party? Some say yes, but it's not that simple. Christenings, weddings and funerals are the only religious events in the otherwise secular lives of thousands of Irish people. The need to celebrate a rite of passage and to attach ritual to family milestones is strong in everyone, from atheists to fundamentalists. Most Irish families want to share their new arrival, their union or the death of a loved one with family and community in an organised fashion. Not every family wants to involve religion, but their choices to date have been limited.

The number of people in Ireland stating that they have no religion has more than doubled with every census since 1961. There are now 138,264 professed non-religious people in Ireland, and that does not include those who pronounce themselves to be atheists, agnostics, lapsed Catholics and those who left the section on religion in the census blank (a further 79,000).

James Maher, a father of two from Co Meath, is non-religious, but he does not want his children to miss out on the celebrations other children enjoy.

"When my daughter's class were making their First Communion last year, I worried that our daughter would feel left out," he says. "I even asked a child psychologist about it, but she said there was nothing to worry about as long as it was handled sensitively.

"Luckily my daughter's teacher, while very committed to the sacrament of Communion, respected our wishes and our daughter was made to feel included in a non-religious way."

Prior to the event, Maher attempted to track down other families in the same position as his, to organise a parallel event for the children of non-religious families. It was hard to bring such families together, Maher admits. Since non-religious people tend not to be attached to any obvious community, they are hard to reach. Also, Maher was afraid that if he made a public effort to profile the event he would draw unwanted media attention. He did not want his day out for the kids to be presented as an act of defiance.

"I was afraid that with all the hype around First Communion, the dresses in the window and the media reports, my daughter might feel that she was being ignored while everyone else was being acknowledged," he says. "On balance, however, I think she was too young to analyse the situation that deeply. Her only gripe was that everyone else got money except for her."

Maher feels that Confirmation is a more important stage of a child's life, in age terms, as they are entering young adulthood. He is determined to gather like-minded families together in time for his daughter's "coming of age".

Maher uses the example of the Norwegian "civil confirmation". Around 16 per cent of young people in Norway attend a civil confirmation instead of a religious confirmation. In the year 2002 a total of 8,700 Norwegian teenagers were confirmed in civil ceremonies.

Before taking part in the civil ceremony, participants attend a course in which they discuss life stances and world religions, ethics and human sexuality, human rights and civic duties. In short, the question that is addressed during the course is: "How shall we behave towards one another?" At the end of the course the participants receive a diploma at a ceremony where there are music, poetry and speeches.

Ireland currently has no equivalent to the civil confirmation, but ceremonial options for families may be growing. The Inter-Departmental Committee on Reform of Marriage Law has published a discussion paper on marriage venues in which it has recommended a liberalisation of the locations where marriages can be solemnised. If couples are allowed to choose their own wedding venues, many more non-religious ceremonies will be held in gardens, hotels and open spaces across the country. This would be a relief for non-religious couples who do not want a church wedding but aren't too keen on the registry office as a venue for such a personal event. Given that there is only one registry office in the country that can accommodate more than 60 people it will mark a huge change in the nature of non-religious wedding ceremonies in Ireland.

For 10 years, the Association of Irish Humanists (AIH) has been helping families who wish to stage formal celebrations of life's milestones without religious involvement. The association currently has 300 families on its membership files, but many more have used its ceremony handbook to create their own formats for weddings, baby-naming ceremonies and funerals.

"Every time one of our members has a ceremony, some of the guests take an interest and the pool grows," says Dick Spicer of the AIH. "We provide celebrants to officiate at weddings, baby-naming ceremonies and funerals, but in the majority of cases people write their own scripts and choose their own celebrants from family or friends."

According to Spicer, non-religious weddings and funerals tend to follow the same lines as traditional ceremonies, but without the religious content.

"The structure of a wedding, for example, has evolved over a long time, comprising both religious and non- religious elements," he says. "Most weddings I have officiated at have featured white dresses, rings and bridesmaids - the whole kerfuffle, even a crying mother."

Has he come up against family disputes, in which religious parents have refused to attend their children's non- religious ceremonies? "There has been tension from time to time, but as long as the wider family is included, and well prepared, by the end of the day those reservations have always melted away and the joy and togetherness of the day is what matters," Spicer says.

He has officiated at funerals, too, and believes that the non-religious funeral is a more straightforward arrangement than many people expect. Almost every county has a municipal graveyard and families can arrange with the undertaker to book a slot. Funeral ceremonies are often held in people's houses, or, where space allows, in undertakers' rooms.

In most cases, the only element that divides religious and non-religious ceremonies is the script - the format and the feeling of belonging and change are common in all cases. Rituals and symbolic actions are a fundamental aspect of human social and personal life. Where religious ceremonies call on a deity to witness and acknowledge a change in human affairs, non-religious ceremonies call on family, friends and community to do the same.

These ceremonies are occasions that families of all persuasions and none can share, and with Ireland's changing religious profile, they may soon become a common feature of Irish family life.

Baby naming: A secular welcome

A christening provides an important opportunity for families and friends to come together and welcome a child. Christenings are generally small affairs and those that attend are likely to feature in the child's life as he or she grows up. The christening party is, symbolically, the wider "family" that gathers around the child and implicitly pledges it love and support throughout its young life.

Where the parent or parents of the child are not religious, an alternative to the baptismal ceremony must be found to serve these important symbolic functions. Dick Spicer, of the Association of Irish Humanists, describes a particularly memorable "baby-naming ceremony" where both the religious and the non-religious members of the family were recognised.

"The child's mother was not religious, but had married into a strongly Catholic family. She approached a Jesuit priest and asked him if he would be comfortable sharing the ceremony with a non-religious, humanist officiate. He agreed," says Spicer.

The child was baptised a Catholic in a church and was later welcomed into the human family by Dick Spicer and the child's mother. The non-religious ceremony consisted of a poetry reading, the planting of a tree and the signing by all present of the baby's hand-prints.

"The mother had been worried about her husband's family's reaction to the non-religious ceremony," Spicer adds. "They all came up to her and hugged her when it was over. She had tears in her eyes. She felt that her world-view had been recognised by her husband and his family and that their child had been given a choice."

Joined at the Sugar Loaf: A match made on Earth

Sheila Fitzpatrick and Dominic Stubbs exchanged self-penned vows at the foot of the Great Sugar Loaf Mountain in Co Wicklow this month. Fifty guests were ranged under a large marquee and, according to the bride, it was a perfect day.

"We're both outdoorsy people but we are not religious - the wedding was everything we wanted and suited us down to the ground," says wardrobe assistant Sheila, who took part in a civil marriage ceremony in her husband's home in Canada earlier this year. "We wrote our own script for the ceremony and it perfectly expressed how we both felt."

In many ways the event was traditional, and Sheila's 82-year-old mother, Mildred, enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere of the ceremony.

"My children are old enough to know what they want, and I respect that. I enjoyed the vows they wrote and the relaxed atmosphere on the day. This is the third wedding in the family - we've had one in a church, one in a registry office and one in a field. I've enjoyed them all."

Mildred, though a Catholic herself, is not worried about her daughter's choice of ceremony. "Just because a wedding takes place in a church doesn't make the marriage better. Nowadays you're grateful if your children find a good partner and build a happy marriage - that's all."