After three years as a parenting columnist for The Irish Times, Kathryn Holmquist has moved to her new position as Education Correspondent. These are the issues that she found most concerned you

So, I'm off to Bundoran, Co Donegal. Not to frolic in the surf, I hasten to add. But to cover the annual INTO Easter conference in my new role as Education Correspondent for The Irish Times. Joining Education Editor Sean Flynn on the education team, with its excellent track record of breaking news stories is an exciting challenge. All the more so considering that my first job in The Irish Times was sub-editing the copy of the late Christina Murphy, an inspiring pioneer who created the mould for what a good education writer should be. It has occurred to me that many of you whom Christina shepherded through the Leaving Cert are now parents doing it all over again - but this time it's your children who are in the hot seat.

What all this means for the parenting page is that I'm saying farewell as the parenting columnist, after three satisfying years communicating with parents around the country across a range of family issues - from school lunches to Ecstasy, and from teething to the trials of teenage tantrums.

You, the Irish Times readers, have made this column what it is: a responsive forum for ideas, both practical and controversial.Special thanks to those of you who have taken the time to write, phone and e-mail. Thanks also to the psychologists, researchers, counsellors, teachers, medical experts and other professionals internationally who helped me to convey the information that you, the parents, have asked for. Please keep in touch. It's been a terrific experience meeting so many of you at parent-teacher meetings in schools around the State. I will continue to meet you in my new job.

During three years of writing about parenting concerns, certain issues have cropped up again and again. So here follows my Top 10 parenting concerns, in no particular order of importance.

1) Am I a good parent?

Trust your instincts and forgive your mistakes. Parenting is a learning curve. Nobody can tell you how to do it. Ninety nine per cent of parents do their best and 99 per cent of the time that's good enough. When parents are perceived to have failed, it's usually because they didn't get the support they cried out for. On the other hand, worried parents can lack confidence in their own innate parenting instincts.

Nobody's infallible and we all need to be open to advice and new ways of thinking. However, at the end of the day, you know your child better than anyone else does. You are the expert.

2) Can I combine work and family?

Find creative ways to combine work and parenting and insist that public policy supports you. Electronic communication brings flexibility and freedom for parents when it is used wisely. At the same time, Irish parents are burdened by the longest working hours, highest childcare costs and longest commuting times in Europe. Progress has been made - but not nearly enough.

Working smarter, rather than longer, is more productive from both employer's and employee's points of view. It's especially productive for society, which needs parents nurturing the next generation if we are to move forward. Don't give up the fight. Keep asserting the importance of family.

3) What does it mean to be a father?

We need to continue to encourage fathers to be as involved with their children as mothers. Our parents' generation saw fathers as bread-winners, and mothers as bread-makers. That has all changed. Don't let anyone limit your scope in finding a personal definition of fatherhood. Fathers are as important as mothers and need to be nurtured, respected and supported and it is only when fathers demand family-friendly employment conditions that life for working families will improve.

It's really difficult for the current generation of fathers, many of whom have disciplinarian fathers and mothers who told them not to cry as role models. Today, fathers are expected to coo and cuddle while changing nappies, and at the same time draw the strict boundaries that children need if they are to become fully functioning adults. Fathers, I am convinced, have a much harder time of it than mothers in many ways.

4) Can marriage and children go together?

The notion that a baby brings parents closer is a myth. Children change relationships to an astounding degree. Lovebirds determined to stay together until death may find their relationship sorely challenged once children arrive on the scene. And when marriage breaks down, the challenge is even greater. Children must come first. Separated parents need to find ways of communicating that allow both ex-partners to be consistently and amicably involved in their childrens' lives.

5) Can parents make a difference?

Don't be intimidated by the media about sex, drugs and alcohol. Parents seem to lack confidence these days. There is an attitude of surrender and complacency where parents say: "I've done my best, but once my children are out the door there isn't much I can do". Nonsense. Parents are children's guides and touchstones. Nobody is more important to a child's developing sense of values than parents. Don't forget that. Your values matter. You can turn off the TV, draw limits and insist on certain behaviours. Children need their parents to be in control.

6) Fight for your children with special needs.

The Government hasn't got the resources. That's what the parents of children with special needs hear again and again. This is disingenuous rubbish. We need to blow the whistle on a society that has chosen to support 90 per cent of children (who are within the range of "normal") and ignore the 10 per cent for whom the system doesn't work. No matter how much you love your child, you cannot do it all alone when your child has a learning disability.

Parents will walk over hot coals for their children and they are doing this every day. The Government isn't listening.

7) Accept your child for who he or she is

Accept them as they are, but don't try to be your child's best friend. In the lonely and isolated nuclear family, parents may seek intimacy from their children. The parent-child relationship is one of delightful closeness and communication, but it's not an equal relationship similar to friendship. It's a relationship of trust, where the parent is the role model and leader. Our first job is to love our children - with all the responsibility that involves. Our children loving us is the fundamental job perk, but not the point of the exercise.

8) Try to be authoritative as a parent

It is an age when children don't trust authority any more. Irish society has been ravaged by a breach of trust in a wide range of institutions, the Church, Government, family life and education. On a macro-level, we need to rebuild these relationships. Parents deserve a voice in policy-making. On the micro-level of the individual family, parents need to stop doubting their authority and behave confidently.

9) Seek help when you need it Other parents are a great resource. Irish parents are more willing now to seek advice from professionals - and, just as importantly, recognise when they need help. "Don't let the side down" was the mantra of the traditional Irish family. Be vulnerable when you need to be, but, at the same time, make sure that the help you are receiving is suitable.

10) Learn to communicate effectively with your children.

They cannot read your mind and you cannot read theirs. Language is not just about words, but also about actions. It's about listening, touch, reading, sharing - and sometimes saying nothing at all. Just communicating the joy of being together builds children's self-esteem.

Finally, keep a sense of humour. At a parents' meeting recently, where I gave a talk, I met an old friend who congratulated me on the speech. "I really wonder what right I have to give advice on parenting when my own home life seems like chaos sometimes," I confessed. "That's why we love you," she answered.

Nobody's perfect, including parents. Relax and enjoy the ride. These days are precious.