Money may make the family go round, but are modern working parents sacrificing life for lifestyle? Ten-year-old Connie was tired. So tired that on the bus from school on the way to the child-minder, she fell asleep and missed her stop.
The driver didn't find her until he'd finished his run, which caused a panic for Connie's childminder and her parents, Ida Milne and Eoghan Corry.
Most days, nobody in the family got home until 7 p.m. "Everything was pretty well highly strung. And if anything went wrong - a cough or the slightest cold - disaster," Corry tells Anne B. Ryan in her book, Balancing Your Life (The Liffey Press).
So Corry and Milne downshifted. They left their demanding jobs in national newspapers and chose to work from home. They scaled down and started paying only for what they could afford. Instead of instalment plans, they chose to pay off credit cards completely every month. They no longer pay a childminder, have cut travel costs and don't have to spend on lunches out. The reward has been more time to spend with their children.
Life is still stressful, particularly because both work freelance, but it's less stressful than before. "The positive effects on the children have been massive," says Corry. "They were tired all the time, their rules were the baby-minder's rules, not ours. We had literally worn ourselves out," says Milne.
There's a quiet revolution underway. Families who are tired of letting money and debt run them in circles, are taking charge. Ryan asserts that we all know people in this situation, although they may not talk about it. Money problems are our greatest taboo. Yet money makes the family go 'round.
While we tend to focus on psychological issues around parenting, it's harder to admit that much emotional distress can be traced to economic pressures.
It's even harder, when you feel like you have to keep up with the Jones's. According to Goodbody Stockbrokers, some families are finding themselves in unmanageable debt, while even more are being crucified by the rising cost of living. Our level of borrowing in Ireland - which is 70 per cent of annual disposable income, on average - is way below that in the US, where the typical family is 125 per cent in debt. Even so, some families are overstretched and are deciding to downshift and opt out, according to Colin Hunt, analyst with Goodbody's. Large mortgages and unwieldy credit card debts haven't yet shown up in figures, but the anecdotal evidence is that many families are having difficulty coping when childcare costs are added to the equation.
On the other hand, Don Walsh of Goodbody's will tell you that the average Irish family's debt is relatively low, and the far greater burden is the rising cost of living. Childcare, house-cleaning, food, recreation, clothes and other perceived necessities cost far more now than they did before the introduction of the euro. Interests rates are low, so debt is predictable. However, disposable income spending is rocketing, the cost of childcare has exploded and other services on which working parents rely on are costing more by the day.
Ryan, who is based at the Centre for Adult and Community, Education at National University of Ireland, Maynooth, believes that more parents are questioning whether they have given up life in exchange for lifestyle. It's certainly a question we all need to ask ourselves: are we consumers first and parents second? Have our consumer acquisitions made us worse parents? Do we care more about the things we own than the time we spend with our children?
It's easy to fall into the trap of working hard for what you believe is a high standard of living for your children. But think about it. What's more important? A holiday abroad, or downshifting so you can spend time daily with your children on homework or just being together?
Rejecting the promotion, turning down the high-paying job and negotiating part-time work or family-friendly hours are the trends of the future, Ryan predicts. If enough parents move in this direction, we'll reach the critical mass required to convince employers to cooperate, she says.
Working long hours is a sign of inefficiency in many cultures, she points out.
She argues that you can work from home and work smarter, benefiting both your employer and your children. Employers will eventually realise that to get the best employees, and get the best out of them, they will have to be lenient on work-hours and stop measuring productivity in terms of desk-time. Ultimately, such an approach will create happier families and thus a better society.
Ryan's an idealist and she hasn't got children. You can argue that where you live - even if the house costs a fortune - keeps your children away from booze and drugs.
There's a lot of evidence to show that. You can also argue that spending money on school fees can nearly guarantee a university place for your child, while a non-fee paying school may not produce the same success.
Ryan counters that if enough parents start spending more time at home, caring about what's going on in their neighbourhoods, working with children on homework and investing time in youth, then money will not be the predicting factor anymore. She has a point. But at the end of the day, we can only look into our own hearts.
You know it makes sense: Get a financial health check
Why are you spending money?
Comfort spending and "retail therapy" are antidotes to stress. If you cut the work pressure, you may not have to spend so much on massages, hotel breaks and comfort foods.
Do you equate money with love?
You haven't seen your children all week, so you spend a hundred euro on presents for them. Could it be that you are actually trying to distract them because you're too tired to play with them yourself?
Are you spending competitively?
Our hunger for material possessions can symbolise our unmet emotional needs for status, security and sexual attractiveness. Be completely honest with yourself. Do you really need that new car, that holiday, that Gucci outfit or are you compensating for feelings of inadequacy?
Do you spend money to establish your identity?
You may be constantly judging yourself and comparing your family's lifestyle to that of others. Think about who your reference group is. Think about who your friends are.
Are you spending defensively?
You may be worried that your children need the "right" clothes, that you cannot hold a birthday party without hiring an entertainer, that your children must be in expensive schools to succeed. Consider that your time, as a parent, may actually be more important than your money.
How do you plan to spend your money in future?
If you are planning to borrow money to build a new deck in the garden or a larger kitchen for meals with the family, will you actually be able to use them? Think realistically about how money spent on material goods will affect your quality of life.
Don't try to keep up with Victoria Beckham she can afford the retail therapy
Getting more for less
- Reassess your childcare arrangements.
- Consider shift-parenting combined with part-time work.
- Rent a room in your house to a student.
- If you have two cars, get rid of one. Use public transport or a bike.
- Stop buying convenience foods. Buy fresh produce locally, eat less meat, plan your food budget and stick to it.
- Discuss the family budget for toys, computers and holidays with your children and set priorities.
- Choose non-fee-paying schools.
- Use social capital - trade skills and time with other families in your situation.
Exchange baby-sitting, child-minding and so on.
- Become involved in voluntary organisations and limit expensive extra-curricular activities
- Focus your spending on what's really important.
- Before you buy, ask yourself - do a really need it? Can I borrow it? Pass children's clothes on
- Manage your debt, consult an expert for a financial health check, consolidate your debts and operate within a strict budget.
- Stop trying to impress people with your possessions, but accept that teenagers have a need for the right clothes and shoes.
- Always remember that your best gift to your children is your time.
