Any important relationship holds a key to open a door to the part of ourselves which is hidden. By recognising, accepting and valuing this part, we can realise the health of our unique being.

It is not often the case that family relationships challenge us to find the deeper but hidden parts of our nature. In other words, we are connected to our family through blood ties, but even though they may be very strong, we may have little else in common.

However, what is essential is that we have emotionally separated from a dependence on family relationships. The persistence into adult years of childhood dependence and emotional and physical enmeshment with a parent or, indeed, a brother or sister, are serious blocks to maturity and spiritual development.

I know of adults who continue to live with their family of origin and even sleep in the same room and, sometimes, the same bed as their co-dependent parent. They rationalise that the dependent family member "could not do without them" or "would die if they left home". Yet the deeper reality is that the person who has not left home is frightened of the rejection that would follow the assertion of a wish "to live my own life".

Living your own life does not mean deserting a dependent parent or sibling, but it does mean not putting your own life on hold because of the dependence. The other issue is that co-dependence keeps both parties to the relationship emotionally and spiritually stuck.

In terms of non-blood significant relationships, we cannot hope to find all that we seek in one person.

It is more common to discover small parts of ourselves in many people. When we realise this our expectations of our life partner become more reasonable.

Our strongest attractions tend to be to people who mirror unfinished business from our family of origin or some past unresolved violation by a non-family member. Even though there may be little in common, the draw to the person is powerful and very difficult to resist. And so we talk about people being attracted to or marrying someone like their mother or father.

The unfinished business may be to receive love from a person who behaves like the father who rejected you or the mother who overprotected you in order to keep you helpless and in need of her.

Sometimes you may be attracted to someone who has addictions similar to the parent who neglected you or be drawn to a person who repeats the sexual violation or physical violence or dominance and control of one of your parents or some other adult of sibling.

The intention of the attraction is for you to draw on your immense worth and find your power in relationships where your presence is being darkened. The human spirit intuitively drives us towards realisation of our spiritual nature and needs us to liberate ourselves from our fears so that we can continue our spiritual journey.

It is not just intimate relationships that challenge us to find the hidden parts of ourselves. Employers, friends, neighbours, priests, teachers - particularly when you are fairly intractably enmeshed with such individuals - may also play a part in your self-discovery.

Not all relationships are designed to wake us up to hidden parts of ourselves. We can also be attracted to people with whom we consciously detect a common link. These relationships provide support for those parts of ourselves that we want to express, but may have difficulty doing without support, encouragement and validation from such important friendships.

There are other people to whom we feel drawn that we cannot stand or tolerate. Even though you may hate these people's guts and be highly critical of them, somehow you find yourself frequently talking about them. Here there is a subconscious part of you that you need to make conscious in order to deal with this relationship.

What you may find is that what irritates and "drives you wild" in others is present in yourself. For example, the arrogance you "put down" in another is part of your own behaviour in relationships with others.

It is important to see our world, and particularly the world of relationships, as providing opportunities for realisation of our sacred person. Everybody has some message to help us along our spiritual path.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of The Power of Negative Thinking