ISN'T IT AMAZING how there can be such different personalities in one family? The children are raised together in the same environment and with the same parents (mostly) and yet they can be as different as chalk and cheese. Why are children so different?
Well, apart from the genetic make up, their order of birth in the family has a great influence over what type of person they will become. A large factor in the making of different personalities is disputes in relation to family resources and parental attention.
Rivalry over parental affection and attention can lead to personality traits in each child. Where a child comes in the family may dictate what tactics are employed in the competition for parental attention and praise. Have you noticed how the first born often identifies strongly with the parents, is responsible, and usually has authority within the family unit? Of course, because at first they are biggest and most mature they can successfully defend their special status.
Children who come later are a different story. They must develop all sorts of strategies to draw attention to themselves and are much more the risk takers. Depending on order of birth, gender and physical traits, each child creates a differing role for themselves, all competing together for parental favour.
Look at your own or other families you know well. One child may be recognised for great sports prowess, another can be artistically creative. Another may become the family diplomat, ironing out disputes. As children grow up, interests and personality emerge.
Younger children tend to be more open and welcome change, while the first born tends to hold on to old ideas.
ALTHOUGH SOMETIMES parents do not realise it, they do make discriminatory judgments about the potential of each of our children and act accord respond, each in their own way.
Siblings are very sensitive to any favouritism. Most parents will recognise the row over who got more chips for dinner, who got more toys on his or her birthday, who got more money to spend on clothes.
This sort of competition is natural and normal and happens in families all over the world, even if the parents are treating each child totally equally. Children who come later tend to use many basic strategies for attention, such as whining, having tantrums, even happily cooperating - or being the sociable extrovert.
A child who sees a sibling is good at sport may steer clear of this area measure up the chances of becoming better or go for something completely different and become the artist in the family to assert - uniqueness. Cultivating different - skills, the children who come later are less easy to compare to each other.
So if you are not the first born in the family, the message is clear: diversify or specialise in something new. The world of relationships, politics and even government are all encapsulated within the family unit and what happens there can affect a child for life. Treaties are signed, battles and wars are fought and won in many ways. We learn a great deal from our family life and how we react and respond to others inside it.
So what can we parents do with uniquely different children to nurture and encourage them to develop to their full potential wherever they come in the family? It sounds simple but it's very difficult to do - try not to compare!
We should always remember that children develop at different rates. A parent should look carefully at the whole child. Some children can have great gifts which can be overlooked by a parent.
I know a family of three boys; two were extremely high achievers and the parents were suitably proud. The third was a lovely fellow, very easy going, never bothered much, and his parents did not know what to do with him, worrying constantly. Yet today he is this one who is extremely successful and happy in every sphere of his life.
Parents should not ignore it if a child is doing very well, or close our eyes if a child is having difficulties. Instead look at the whole child and encourage him or her to do a personal best. If problems occur, talking with teachers, having heart to heart chats with the child and sometimes discipline may be in order.
IF OUR CHILDREN go astray they may need the firm but fair approach. Be watchful - if a child is having problems there may be an underlying physical or emotional difficulty. Problems with health, hearing or eye sight can undermine a child within the family and cause difficulties at school as well as socially.
Children are all different, for whatever reasons, so let's try to be positive, not judgmental. Don't let school achievements become a springboard for sibling squabbles. Try not to burden your child with your needs or expectations. The aim must be to help each child to reach his or her potential, under the protective umbrella of our support, guidance, approval and love.
