Parenting: As governor of Mountjoy prison, John Lonergan sees both the struggles and the failures of parents first hand. He thinks what children experience in the home is paramount. Louise Holden reports.
John Lonergan, governor of Mountjoy Prison in Dublin, - (who yesterday signalled his intention to retire ) doesn't claim to have the all the answers parents are looking for, but he has had a bird's-eye view of the parent-child dynamic since becoming head of the State's largest prison. It is for this reason that he was invited to address this year's La Leche League annual conference, where he outlined what he considers the most important features of successful parenting.
None of his observations were groundbreaking, but they are easy to lose sight of in the maelstrom of pressures and anxieties that can beset the parent-child relationship.
"It's easy to forget that childhood is the child's process - not the parent's," Lonergan told listening parents, health professionals and educators. "For children to get the best from childhood, parents need to listen to their needs, concerns and preferences and not assume that they know what the child wants. If you can develop an ability really to hear what your child is saying to you without overreacting, criticising or immediately offering solutions, you and your child will reap the rewards over time."
Sacrificing time is at the heart of effective parenting. Parents are often heard to complain about the pressure they are under to fulfil a child's material desires. Children will always appreciate and hour of your time more than chunk of your wages, Lonergan says. "Most parents I deal with express the regret that they didn't give more of their time to their children when they were growing up. The 20-minute walk to school holding hands and chatting is routine to you - it might be the most enjoyable part of your child's day."
Lonergan challenged listeners to look at their own performance as role models. Do we live out the diktats that we issue to our children? Do they see us doing the things that we are always telling them to do? Saying less and listening/doing more, was a recurrent theme of Lonergan's address. He stressed the importance of frequent, affirmative communication that gives children as much room to speak as their parents. He also asked listeners to examine the tone of their exchanges with children, especially teenagers.
"We have all got the message that small children need lots of praise and affirmation, but we seem to lose the knack as they get older," Lonergan observes. "As children enter adolescence, parents often try harder to modify their behaviour by criticising or offering only qualified support for their efforts, by homing in on their mistakes and missing their achievements."
It's easy to get hung up on the small stuff and to miss the fact that teens are actually happy and healthy - the two most important ingredients of a successful life. "Why burden children with unrealistic expectations, based on our own regrets about missed opportunities in our childhood?" Lonergan asked. "Let's not add any more stress to our children's lives. If they are enjoying living, let's enjoy it with them."
For those families who are not having an easy time. Lonergan reminds harried parents to believe in themselves. "When I visit the areas where the inmates of Mountjoy are coming from, I always stress to parents that they are the most important people in their children's lives. Parents can lose sight of that, and assume that their children are more influenced by outside agents than by what is said and done at home. It's not true - parents are the key influence. It's the most important job there is."
PARENTING NEWS / Babies and Bosses
Today employers, trade unions, politicians and parents groups will gather in the Four Seasons Hotel, Ballsbridge, Dublin, to discuss the role of business in the creation of better deals for parents in the workplace. It's a small step in a big process for Ireland, where working parents are offered little support, but the right people are finally starting to talk to each other.
Conference chairman Neil Brown believes that Irish employers are ready to take steps to facilitate parents, but need practical advice.
"Today's conference will explore some of the successful measures in place in organisations such as Intel, who help employees find suitable childcare placements local to work.
"Not every employer is in a position to provide affordable childcare for employees, but there are many practical, inexpensive ways of helping parents, from providing information to arranging flexible work practices. What today's conference is about is an acknowledgment by employers that employees have a life beyond the office."
