There's no easy way and there's no easy time, but there are things you can do to help your children cope with parental separation, writes Louise Holden.

When is the best time to split up the family? A reader writes: "I became pregnant after a short relationship with my current partner. We have given the relationship a chance, but we are not compatible. Our son is two years old. How much longer should we stay together? What is the 'best age' for a child to experience parental separation?" As parenting dilemmas go, you don't get much more difficult than this.

The right time to separate will always be the wrong time for children, but according to relationship counsellor Claire Missen, children of different ages experience parental separation in different ways. A broad understanding of these experiences can help parents to make the parting less painful.

"Staying in an unhappy relationship until the child has reached the right age for separation is of little benefit if there is tension and unhappiness in the house," says Missen, who has helped thousands of Irish families through the Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service (MRCS). "The important factor is the management of the separation. Children of different ages have different parenting needs. These needs must continue to be met during and after separation. Parents must work out a co-parenting arrangement that reflects the age of the child."

Most infants can deal with separation because they are happy to be with primary caregivers, but they don't really miss them when they are not around. They do, however, detect emotional upheaval, detachment, or sadness in the primary caregiver. Happy interaction may be thin on the ground when parents are splitting up, but children in the first year of life need to experience joy.

In this situation, a supportive relative or friend can help to give your baby the positive attention he or she needs.

Older infants and toddlers will miss the absent parent. They will be affected by changes in the environment and will feel any loss of stability and routine very keenly. If they are feeling insecure, this may manifest itself through loss of appetite, sleep problems, tantrums, quietness or clinginess. Try as much as possible to maintain the usual routines and as much regular contact as possible with the absent parent, by phone if not in person. Do not obliterate all evidence of the absent parent from the house.

Pre-schoolage children are not so different from toddlers and may even regress a little when faced with domestic upheaval. Because they have a more clearly defined sense of self, however, they may feel responsible for the break-up. They may start to exhibit behaviour, positive or negative, designed to bring parents back together. They need constant reassurance that they are loved and that they are not to blame. Consistent and frequent contact with the absent parent is critical. A week is a long time in a three-year-old's life.

"Even though it can be very difficult for separated parents, young children need very frequent and regular contact with both parents - daily contact if possible," says Missen. "As children get a little older they can tolerate more structured arrangements and slightly longer absences."

By the time children are six years old it seems easier to figure out how they are feeling. They are more articulate and vocal. However, what they do may be more revealing than what they say. Look out for withdrawal, regression, fantasising and feelings of guilt. Like pre-schoolers, six- to eight-year-olds need constant reassurance that they are still loved and wanted.

By the age of nine, many children will be able to grasp some of the more adult aspects of the situation - they might be able to look at things from the parents' point of view as well as their own. Because they will have their own life - of sorts (friends, hobbies, hangouts) - they will be concerned about how the change will impact in practical terms. Their needs, no matter how trivial they may seem in comparison to the enormity of separation, must be respected. Don't dismiss their complaint that a move to a new house will disrupt football practice, piano lessons or tear them away from friends.

Look out for withdrawal. Also ensure that children aged nine to 12 do not attempt to replace the absent parent in the family. Taking premature responsibility can impact badly on children in later life. Encourage active relationships with the wider family.

Adolescence is a challenging time for everyone. Family break-up is sure to exacerbate this. Adolescents are getting to know themselves by exploring the world. They are pulling away from their families but the knowledge that parents and siblings are a constant presence gives them the confidence to branch out. That stability must be preserved, even in the midst of separation. Parents have to work out a rock solid co-parenting system that teens can rely on.

"Parents must continue to back each other up," says Missen. "If they undermine each other's rules and say negative things about the other to the teen, then all feeling of stability is gone. Parents need to work out access arrangements that suit the child, and stick to them religiously and respectfully."

Like older schoolage children, teens are comforted by supportive relationships with other adults. Through these contacts they are exposed to a range of successful relationships - they can draw from these examples as they get older.

The Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service can be contacted at (01 644 3901