Communication: It's not what you say, it's the way that you say it
Non-verbal communication accounts for 80 per cent of the messages we give each other. This would include facial expression, tone of voice, body posture, the nature of eye contact (for example, the intense stare, the fleeting glance, the benign look). The volume of your voice, physical gestures (for example, finger-wagging, waving a clenched fist, a dismissive wave) are other examples.
For communication to be effective, it is essential that the non-verbal messages are saying the same as the verbal communication, otherwise the child will respond to the non-verbal message. For instance, when a parent says to a child "Michael, I want you to put your toys away now", but there is no firmness in her tone of voice, it is likely the child will continue to play with his toys.
Compared to adults, children are far more in tune with non-verbal communication, a skill that people tend to lose as they grow older. A child's first language is non-verbal. In the first year or two they get many of their needs met by communicating using their bodies and different kinds of crying and other noises. Also, they are experts at reading their parents' faces and detecting differences in their parents' tone of voice and body posture.
It is very noticeable that adults rarely talk to children in the tone they use to talk to each other. Unwittingly, parents frequently trigger difficult behaviour on the part of children because of the tone they use.
An example: Sara's mother was helping her with her homework. Sara was struggling to understand what she was supposed to do. In exasperation, and with more than a hint of impatience in her voice, the mother said: "Well, surely you understand something?" Sara's response was to look even more perplexed and bury her head in the book.
The mother's tone of voice indicated that she has little belief in Sara's ability to understand her homework. Belief is central to a child's retention of a love of learning and a natural curiosity. In the above scene, the mother's response added considerably to the child's rising feeling of discouragement. Sara was quick to spot this, and she responded appropriately.
Simpering "baby talk" and the condescending "simple talk", which parents and other adults use with young children, always results in children feeling inferior. Parents speak to children in a manner - body posture, facial expression and tone of voice - that they would never employ with another adult.
Parents need to listen and observe themselves in the company of their children and begin to notice how, unwittingly, they demonstrate disrespect to those children. Parents are prone to talk down to children, to exhibit false gaiety and go over the top to get a response from children or talk to children with saccharine sweetness to gain co-operation. Such behaviours are opportunities for parents to reflect on what is their basic concept of parenting and to ask to what degree they may be projecting some of their own insecurities and fears on to their children.
When parents are dependent on their children liking them, their communication often lacks firmness. Also, if a parent has a fear in asserting her right and needs in her marriage and other relationships, she may carry this anxiety into her relationship with her child. Similarly, when a male parent compensates for inner insecurity through dominating others, he is likely to do the same with his child. The challenge for both of these parents is to realise their unique worth and to use it as a basis for positive communication with their children.
It is only when parents are on a solid footing themselves that they can relate to their children as friends, be on an equal footing with them and communicate, verbally and non-verbally, in direct and clear ways.
Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of Self-Esteem, the Key to Your Child's Future
