THE LAST STRAW/Frank McNally: The election campaign got off to a bad start this week when I received an abusive letter from one of my local TDs. It was a computerised letter and it began pleasantly, with inquiries after my health and small-talk about the stretch in the evenings.
Then it got down to business. "Because access to your building is sometimes difficult," it said, "I am writing to ask for your support in the coming election."
I should point out that the letter was posted to my home, and not to the Irish Times office, which could reasonably be termed a "building". My home is a building too (thankfully). But it's the type of building generally described as a "house". Sure, it's not a Georgian masterpiece or anything, but I don't see how that gives my TD the right to be sarcastic.
As for the alleged access difficulties, I don't know what he's complaining about. The house has a door, located a short walk from the street, with an interconnecting garden path. I've never had any difficulty accessing it, except once when I had drink on me. The postman never has any problems, and neither did a burglar who visited us a couple of years ago, accessing the front window with a hammer. We got toughened glass since then, which is doubly useful in that it keeps burglars out and my two-year-old son in. The latter has tested its resistance to high-velocity impacts at least once, and it seems to work. So our building is not as accessible as it was, admittedly. But the door is still in place.
Since it was the TD who brought the subject up, I might inquire about the accessibility of his building, which according to the letter heading is "Dáil Éireann". I can never get in there without showing my media pass at the gate (something I bet Charlie Bird never has to do). They also make you wear a tie in the press gallery, and you can't take your jacket off, even in summer. At least my building doesn't have a dress code.
It's not as if I keep a dog either, or even a "beware of the dog" sign. As it happens, I do own a dog, or about 6 per cent of one, anyway; but he's a greyhound and he lives full-time with the trainer. In common with the other 16 syndicate members, I could bring my share-holding home for 21.5 days a year, but in fairness to the neighbours, the postman and visiting TDs, I don't exercise this option.
I hope when he refers to the difficulty in accessing my building that the TD is not making a snide reference to the state of the front garden. All right, I'm not a lawn-care enthusiast, but the path is generally passable. Anyway, I tackled the grass recently, knowing there was an election on the way, and while it really needed a silage harvester rather than my lightweight lawnmower, which seems to be designed for trimming nose hair, I think I did a reasonable job.
The TD thinks he's done a reasonable job too, although I note that his letter also claims: "You elected me as your TD in 1997." This would be a bit presumptuous of him, even if I hadn't lived in another constituency at the time. So not content with insulting my house, he as much as accuses me of electoral fraud too! It's possible his computer assumed I lived in one of the many apartment blocks built locally during the lifetime of the Government.
Access to these can be difficult, what with modern security features such as video intercoms, gates, and ugly architecture that makes the buildings difficult to look at. But high as they are in security values, they seem to be very low in parking spaces, judging by the number of cars abandoned in our cul-de-sac every evening.
I don't mean to be hard on these people, who are usually very careful not to block the road. They sometimes go to the trouble of parking all four wheels on the footpath, which only blocks people with wheelchairs and prams. I just wish that when they bought their TD-proof apartments, they had also paid for parking. I know it's expensive, but it's part of the reality of living in a city, and we all have to make sacrifices. I pay a man to keep my dog at night.
So come to think of it, the TD does have a point about accessibility, after all. I might even discuss this issue with him if he calls during the campaign, which the letter says he will make "every effort" to do.
Our relationship has started off on the wrong foot. But if he's willing to attempt access to my building, I'm willing to meet him halfway.