Dáil Sketch/Miriam Lord:One of our Miniatures in missing! The cry echoed around Leinster House when news spread that Minister Séamus Brennan had vanished. The only concrete information people had was that Séamuseen was last seen in the presence of Prudence.
Where could he be now? In the Dáil yesterday, Labour leader Pat Rabbitte tried to piece together the final known movements of the Miniature for Social Welfare. Everybody in the place was frantic with worry.
Pat used Leaders' Questions to address this very grave matter. "The topic I wish to raise is Séamus Brennan," he announced. "Does anyone know where he is? How is he?"
Events leading up to the strange disappearance of the Minister for Social Welfare are disturbing.
Last Tuesday at a press conference, in the company of Fianna Fáil bigwigs, Séamus emphatically declared that Fianna Fáil had no intention of indulging in reckless auction politics at their ardfheis.
"The man was but a pale shadow of himself, so shocked was he at the policy platforms put forward by this side of the house," recalled Pat.
Encouraged by his party leader, Séamus insisted last Tuesday that he was sticking by Prudence no matter what. Then Prudence did a flit on Saturday night when the Taoiseach unleased "a Niagara of promises", taking Séamus by surprise.
Pat added the Minister wasn't the only member of Fianna Fáil who fell for the capricious charm of Prudence.
Deputy Michael Mulcahy recently came out as an ardent admirer. He wanted no promises of big spending from his party leader. "I urge you to stand firm," he begged Bertie before Saturday night.
Now Michael is missing too, observed Pat darkly. "I saw him on the screen before my very eyes, applauding on Saturday night like Mr Bean on speed."
It quickly became clear Pat had worked out the reason for the disappearances.
In the course of his ardfheis speech, Taoiseach Bertie Ahern made 53 different commitments to the electorate.
Mr Rabbitte reckoned they worked out at a cost of €300 million a minute. "Aren't we fortunate you only had half an hour?" he quivered, pointing the finger of suspicion.
What was the impact on Séamus, last Tuesday's unlucky messenger? Worse still, what happened to Prudence?
The Taoiseach didn't admit anything. He thanked Pat for showing such concern for missing Séamus. "I'm very touched," he sniggered.
"You must be touched to come out with a package like that. Nobody sane would do it," reposted Pat. Bertie chose not to explain why he sent the Miniature for Social Welfare to a press conference to talk up the untrammelled attractions of Prudence. He also decided not to tell Mr Rabbitte how much it would now cost to keep Prudence out of the picture.
But the Labour leader refused to be thrown off the scent. Pat met a woman in the street who was disgusted with what happened on Saturday night.
"She said she thought that your nose would come out through the screen." He couldn't blame her. One minute Bertie is pushing Prudence, the next he's throwing around promises like confetti. "No wonder that woman thinks you're Pinocchio."
The Taoiseach was unconcerned. "Deputy Rabbitte definitely got out of the wrong side of the bed today. He's been narky since he came in at half two." Still no sign of Séamus.
There are rumours that he and Prudence have eloped. A spokesperson said last night that he is away on personal business.