Two women, two sons and a foster child - lesbians Jane and Sarah see their family as ordinary. But public policy and attitudes have yet to catch up, they tell Kitty Holland.
Jane and Sarah wish people could "connect with the ordinariness" of their life together, as experienced by them. Seated at the sturdy old wooden table in their kitchen in the rural north-west of the country, the two explain how straightforward their love for each other, and for their children, is to them.
The two have been together for six years, having met sometime after the breakdown of Sarah's marriage. Sarah has two sons from that marriage - James (17) and Robert (12). They also foster a two-year old, Peter, and hope to adopt him, while Jane is trying to have a baby with the assistance of IVF.
As lesbians however, their relationship does not legally exist. "The vulnerabilities experienced by all families around times as serious illness or death, the anxieties felt by all parents about their children," says the Equality Authority, "are all worse for same-sex couples."
Added to that are the presumptions held by some about the 'good' or 'ill' of such households for children.
The fact that of all the families interviewed for this series, Sarah and Jane were the only who would not allow their real names to be used, is perhaps testament to the relative 'rawness' of the same-sex family issue for Irish society. They were the only same-sex couple with children who would even speak to a journalist such is the continuing fear of drawing social opprobrium upon their families.
"Of course we're not ashamed of our family situation, but I do think the gay and lesbian family with children is the one type Ireland is some way off accepting," explains Jane.
Sarah was not shocked or surprised at the emergence of her lesbianism. It seemed "very natural" to her she says and stresses she did not leave the marriage because she "discovered" her lesbianism.
"I left because it was an abusive relationship. I tried for 10 years to make it work. But it didn't and I was lucky enough to meet someone and fall in love with her. That gave me the strength to leave the marriage."
Though that first lesbian relationship did not work out she later met Jane and the two have been living together since 1998.
Her sons, she says, did not react to her moving in with a woman, at that point. They were very young when the marriage broke down, "so they grew up with it".
"Their father had very strong views on it. And his family too made no secret of their disapproval. What I did was decide from day one to provide them with security and love and support, no matter what views [about her]they were getting in the other house." If James and Robert asked her about things their father had said she would simply say, "He's very hurt because I left him."
The boys still spend a week with Sarah and Jane, and a week with their dad.
She and Jane have "always been very open and straightforward with the boys about who we are and what our relationship is," and has left it up to them about "public disclosure".The schools they go to are supportive and while James was sensitive about it when he first went to secondary school, it did not seem to occur to Robert that it might be an issue.
Unsurprisingly both absolutely reject assertions that growing up in a gay or lesbian households could detrimentally affect a child. While the American College of Paediatricians has said such children grow up sexually promiscuous and confused Sarah and Jane come down on the side of the American Civil Liberties Unions which counters that children who grow up in households headed by same-sex couples in fact fare better, are more open-minded and have a greater sense of social justice and their own identities.
Neither James nor Robert has sought to hide their mum's relationship from friends.
"In fact James would say things like 'You being a lesbian doesn't embarrass me . I'm just as embarrassed by dad'," laughs Sarah. "In fact I think they are quite proud in a way. It has given them an important sense of justice and being proud of who they are."
As we chat, joining us is two-year old Peter, eating scrambled eggs in his high chair and kicking excitedly. Sarah and Jane have been fostering him since he was three days old and hope to adopt him.
They had fostered many children before Peter but say it "just became inevitable that we would want to adopt him because he has been with us for so long". In the event that the are granted an adoption order, however, they face a dilemma. Only one of them will be legally allowed to adopt him, leaving the other with no legal rights as regards his welfare.
"Well the implications are awful," says Jane. "If Sarah adopts him legally I will not be related to him. Nor will my family. And all his grandparents adore him. If he were to get very ill I would have no next-of-kin rights. If Sarah were to die I'd would have no automatic rights to care for him.
"Ironically, as foster parents we're regarded equally."
According to the Adoption Board co-habiting couples may not adopt a child as a couple, no matter what their sexuality. Furthermore, single people may only adopt "in particular circumstances". The figures would suggest circumstances would need to be exceptionally particular. While 1,766 adoptions have been granted to married couples since 1991, just 29 have been to single people.
"That is the letter of the law," said a spokesman. "Adoption is intended for married couples." The issue of co-habitee, including same-sex, adoption is being considered as part of a wide-ranging review by the Minister of State for Children, Mr Brian Lenihan. New legislation to replace the 1991 Adoption Act is expected "sometime next year" a spokeswoman for the Minister said. It is thought unlikely however, that Ireland is ready to follow the Netherlands and Denmark and open up the possibility of adoption to same-sex couples.
Jane is also hoping to have a baby with the help of IVF. Though she can take the fertility drugs, scans and blood tests here, she must travel to England for the actual insemination - not because it is against any regulation but because of the absence of regulations.
"The clinics are afraid of drawing the media, the Church, protests at their front door, down on them," surmises Jane. She says there are "loads" of Irish lesbians attending the clinic in London which is working with her.
While the last 30 years for the gay and lesbian community have centred around achieving sexual freedom, the battles for the current generation of young gays will be around achieving family rights, predicts Rita Wild of the Lesbians In Cork (LINC) organisation.
"Nobody actually knows how many gays have children, but the fact that 52 per cent of the 300 or so of our members who took part in a survey last year had children gives you some indication of how numerous we are." And that is just in Cork and just those linked into LINC.
She sees a significant change in attitudes towards having families in young lesbians.
"Most I would say expect to have children of their own. It's not a question of whether, but how, they will." Ciaran Rose of the Gay Lesbian Equality Network (GLEN) points out however that for gay men starting a family is far more difficult as they would have to find a surrogate mother.
There is no doubt, he continues, that the momentum of positive change for gays and lesbians has been "phenomenal".
"When I woke up and heard Diarmuid Martin [Archbishop of Dublin] had said people in gay relationships should be supported I thought I was on a different planet."
Milestones such as this, as well as comments to the same effect from the Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern and the Law Reform Commission's call for reform of taxation, inheritance and pensions provisions for couples who have cohabited for three years represent enormous steps away from the days when homosexuality was a crime. So too do Senator David Norris's forthcoming Partnership Bill and the forthcoming case against the Revenue Commissioners by lesbians Katherine Zappone and Ann Louise Gilligan to have their Canadian marriage recognised here for tax purposes.
Jane and Sarah say they would probably not be interested in marrying, that it is an institution they are nottoo interested in.
"But," says Jane, "I'd do whatever it takes to protect my family. Children in gay families are not protected the way children in straight families are. Policy doesn't count them, doesn't seem to believe they exist. But there are hundreds if not thousands of kids, being treated like second class citizens. That's a lot of kids in a lot of schools with a lot of friends - and they are being treated like they are invisible."