The Last Straw / Frank McNally: So Sesame Street has been given $1 million (€826,788) by the American Ireland Fund to produce 26 shows teaching tolerance to children in Northern Ireland.
But can Bert and Ernie succeed where those loveable real-life characters, Bert and Tony, have failed? Here's how the plan might work.
Episode 1, Scene 1: An urban landscape. The strains of the theme song ("Can you tell me how to get/How to get to Sesame Street?") fade as we see Ernie and Bert standing on a corner. A voiceover announces that today's episode is sponsored by the letter "L" and the number "6", both of which appear on screen and are promptly eaten by the Cookie Monster. The focus returns to Bert and Ernie, as a furry orange character approaches.
Ernie: "Hey, look - there's a new muppet on the show."
Orangeman: (in a bad Belfast accent that sounds suspiciously like the Scotsman in The Simpsons) "Who're you calling a muppet? The name's Wullie."
Ernie: "Uh, hi Woolly. Cool name."
Orangeman: "It's not Woolly - it's Wullie! Short for William. But never mind that. Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?"
Ernie: "Uh, sure thing, Wullie. It's just at the end of that road there. But are you planning to walk?
Orangeman: "You're dead right, I am. It's my culture."
Ernie: "Well, uh, you might want to consult with the Sesame Street Concerned Residents first - as a courtesy."
Orangeman: "Hurrumph!"
Scene 2: Oscar the Grouch is leaning on the rim of his trash-can, listing all the things he hates - including fun, happiness, and people being nice - to another visitor: a green muppet called Tadgh.
Tadgh: (sounding just like Tom Cruise in Far and Away) "I hear what you're saying, a chara. But if you think you're oppressed, you should try being a Catholic in Northern Ireland. And by the way, why are there only 26 episodes of this series? That's inherently partitionist, so it is."
Oscar disappears into his home and slams the lid. Tadgh: (sings) "It's not easy being green." Meanwhile, he produces an aerosol can and is spraying "26 + 6 = 1" on a wall when the Sesame Street vampire and arithmetician, Count Von Count, wanders by. He sees Tadgh's equation and is appalled. "No, no, no!" he says, taking the aerosol and correcting it. He then leads Tadgh in a reprise of the classic sketch: "Count with the Count."
Scene 3: Animation with the letter L. A voiceover says: "L is for Londonderry" as the abbreviation "L'derry" appears in the form of cookies. Suddenly, the Cookie Monster enters and announces: "Me eat letter L!"
He eats the L, plus the apostrophe, and burps loudly. "Me no care about how you spell it - it tastes good either way," he says.
(A banner appears: "This sketch sponsored by Foyle Tourism.")
Scene 4: A newsflash from Sesame Street News. Special correspondent Kermit the Frog reports on a school project in Belfast where English students from both sides of the community are attempting - against all odds - to make "hope" and "history" rhyme. Kermit's report includes an interview with Seamus Heaney, against a backdrop of children chewing pencils and poring over dictionaries. Finally he turns to camera.
Kermit: "So there we have it. To date, the kids have found that hope rhymes with "dope", "nope", "pope", and "rope". On the history side, all they've come up with so far is "mystery" and - uh - "blistery". But they're not giving up yet, and if anyone can make history and hope rhyme, these kids can. We'll keep you posted as the story develops."
Scene 5: Willie the Orangeman and Tadgh have discovered that tolerance can be fun. They are now able to joke about their shared past as they give Big Bird and Elmo an introduction to Northern Irish culture.
Tadgh: "Stop me if you've heard this one, Willie; but why did the chicken cross Garvaghy Road? Willie: "Because his feathers and forefeathers had crossed it for generations!"
They laugh heartily. Elmo looks puzzled. Big Bird wants to know why they're making fun of chickens.
Scene 6: More "L" animation. Despite the breakthrough by Willie and Tadgh, there is still no political progress in the North. A voice-over announces "L is for Logjam", as the word appears in the form of a jam-covered chocolate log. Enter the Cookie Monster who says: "Me like jam!" Before anyone can stop him, he eats the entire word. Kermit rushes to the scene and immediately goes live-to-camera to report that the famous Northern Irish logjam has disappeared. We cut to Bert and Ernie, watching the news.
Ernie: "I think I feel the hand of history."
Bert: "Of course you do, Ernie - you're a glove puppet."
(The credits roll.)