DAIL SKETCH:Indakinny's withdrawal of pairing arrangements brought sulky Government Ministers firmly back to earth
FIRST DAY back after an 11-week recess, and Fine Gael has placed the Government under house arrest. Short of keeping them barefoot and chained to the Cabinet table, the Opposition reckons it's the only way they can force Ministers to stay at home and apply themselves to our mounting domestic problems.
Seething over their incarceration at the hands of a heartless Indakinny, a gloomy Biffo and Cabinet sat in the chamber and sulked. Then they scuttled off outside, squealing to the media and demanding freedom from the oppressive confines of Leinster House.
This was in the interests of democracy, air miles and - in the case of Minister for Agriculture Brendan Smith - the National Ploughing Championships.
Poor Brendan. He looked absolutely miserable during Leaders' Questions. He should have been attending his first ploughing championships as farming minister, bearing major financial goodies to smooth his path. Instead, on the biggest day of the year for him, the Minister couldn't get away from the Dáil.
He eventually landed at the ploughing in the middle of the afternoon, miles behind schedule and very discommoded. It's all Fine Gael's fault and they just don't care, those little blueshirt minxes. It would be positively thrilling, if you didn't have a life.
All fired up, the party returned from the summer break and demanded an emergency Dáil debate on the economy. The Government naturally ignored them, insisting that their spectacularly lacklustre agenda could not be altered.
So FG retaliated by refusing to implement the Dáil's "pairing" arrangement: a gentlemanly agreement whereby Ministers and deputies who are away on official business are not required to rush back to base every time a vote is called. Instead, they are each paired with an Opposition TD, who doesn't vote either.
This ensures that Government politicians can go on business while the house is in session without having to worry about losing a vote.
In reality, Opposition whips adopt a fairly loose interpretation of official business. Once they don't abuse the system, most TDs can secure a pair for themselves if they need to nip away for a while.
But not yesterday, when Inda and his mob decided to get tough. "No pairs" they cried, sounding like Moore Street dealers after a run on the fruit.
How would this affect the Government? After all, Brian Cowen enjoys a 12-strong majority. Surely he can manage to prevent even a few of his charges from fleeing? His chief whip, Pat "Scary" Carey, did just that yesterday, texting deputies and Ministers alike and ordering them to remain in Kildare Street unless their business was of critical national importance. Meanwhile, the deputy for Dublin Central and the previous taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, is in America. Not on business of national importance, one assumes. Bet Scary Carey didn't text him.
But his nimble fingers found the rest of his FF flock, grounding the ministerial fleet quicker than you can say "Alitalia". Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern was most unimpressed. He's supposed to be at a Council of Ministers meeting in Brussels today to discuss a ban on bogus pairings, sorry, marriages, in EU states.
Grounded by Scary Carey.
At a press briefing yesterday, Dermot echoed George Hook's summation of Fine Gael in Limerick last week. "Losers", harrumphed Disgruntled of Dundalk, as he saw his Brussels gig go up in smoke.
Minister for Enterprise Mary Coughlan should also be in Brussels today for a meeting of the Competitive Council. She got her hair done specially yesterday.
Grounded.
And Willie O'Dea has troops to inspect in Athlone.
Not now - Corporal O'Dea confined to barracks.
As Fine Gael dug its heels in, the Cabinet complained bitterly about the impertinence and inconvenience. By lunchtime, it seemed like an airlift of St Patrick's Day proportions had been scuppered.
Nothing for it but for Biffo to take his case to the United Nations. But not before his spokespeople put it abroad that the Taoiseach's trip to New York, where he is to address the UN, was in grave danger of being cancelled thanks to FG's carry-on.
This was scaremongering of the highest order. There was never any chance that Cowen would sacrifice his visit. Scary Carey would have sent out the Army Rangers to capture and bring back Bertie before that happened.
For pity's sake, Biffo is due to meet the three Bs when he hits the Big Apple: Bill Clinton, Bob Geldof and Bono. Four Bs, so.
As for Enda, he was delighted with his party's new get-tough approach. He signalled this departure on Tuesday in Cuffesgrange after scuffing through the dust at the ploughing.
"I'm wearing the boots," he informed a crowd ominously in the Oireachtas tent, lifting his foot. "It's not uncommon in Mayo." Then he declared his intention to "put the boot" into Brian Cowen and his Government when the Dáil resumed.
However, pairings apart - which they are, for the foreseeable future - Enda didn't exactly stamp all over Cowen when business resumed. He simply recited a long list of our calamities and blamed Brian.
The best Enda could do was ask the Taoiseach to name three things he had done to ensure his successor in the Department of Finance "has not fallen into the same financial slurry pit".
Biffo mumbled about the budget, while we noted that Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan was sitting at the very end of the Fianna Fáil line, a few seats away from his nearest colleague. Perhaps it something to do with the eau de slurry . . .
Labour leader Eamon Gilmore bludgeoned poor Biffo over the head with some stark figures.
"Since you became Taoiseach 140 days ago, 45,628 people have lost their jobs," he thundered.
Tánaiste Mary Coughlan looked very unhappy. The Taoiseach mumbled something about the troubled agency, Fás, to hoots of derision. Not the best of starts.
Independent deputy Finian McGrath was happy though. He got in trouble for trying to wear a Barack Obama badge on his lapel.
Anything for publicity.
Despite the ban on pairs, the Taoiseach is in New York today.
Thank God. Otherwise, what would Bono have thought?
