THE political parties send out their most abrasive and witty frontbenchers as warm-ups for the leader, so it was no surprise when Michael Noonan took to the podium before John Bruton at the FG Ardfheis last Saturday. He dished out to FF what Brian Cowen - "the Dr Strangelove of the health services" - threw at FG, Labour and particularly DL, last November - and it wasn't pretty. Bertie Ahern, Noonan told the delighted gathering, was the Manuel of this Fawlty Towers administration - "always he knows nothing".
"His activities remind one of Percy French's parody on the attempts of the Lord Lieutenant the Earl of Essex to track down Hugh O'Neill on the instruction of Elizabeth I. Essex was afraid of O'Neill and took every possible measure to ensure he never met O'Neill. As Percy French says, `if a messenger came in to tell him that O'Neill was camping out on the Bull Island, Essex would up sticks and away for Sandycove where, after dragging the Forty Foot, he would write off to Elizabeth saying that owing to their superior knowledge of the country the dastard foe had once more eluded him'.
"By the way, when Essex returned to London he was beheaded on the orders of his queen. Mary Harney please take note."
Noonan went on: "The Taoiseach's failure as a private investigator is only matched by his selective amnesia. There will shortly be a new disease recorded in the medical journals to be known as ASAS - Ahern Selective Amnesia Syndrome. This is a very rare condition brought on at any mention of the names Haughey, Burke, Flynn or Gilmartin. It becomes particularly prevalent if the Tanaiste mentions these names."
Mary Harney, he said, should remember that coalition with FF is like having an affair with a vampire. "It might be exciting at the start, but if you hang around long enough they will suck the life out of you. The Tanaiste should keep a firm grip on her bunch of garlic and the next time that the Taoiseach goes down to the Fianna Fail dungeons to commune with the spirit of Mr Haughey she should open the curtain, let in the light and get out while she still has a party to lead."
The Government will be no great loss when it collapses, Noonan added. The best of them were only average and the rest believed that the primary function of a minister was "to cut tapes, pose for photographs and provide employment for handlers, spindoctors and PR companies".
The gloves are off. It will be FF against the rest.