The Bigger Picture:What is the one thing in life that takes away doubt and insecurity? What is that one force that drives all our choices and, therefore, our direction in life? It is a strong sense of self, and while the clear need for it has consistently come into my writings, I rarely take the time to expand on what it means, writes Shalini Sinha.
Having a strong sense of self is about having a clear knowledge of the characteristics you embody; your innate respect and admiration for those characteristics; the fact that you belong in your community; the quality of the relationships you have with others; and what is most important to you in the world such that you get to see them in action in your life.
If anything, this is the knowledge that is known as "self-esteem". When you have this knowledge, you experience an inner confidence.
There is no question about whether or not you can have self-esteem. It's there to be had once you have clarity about these things. Furthermore, it's built by expressing this knowledge in your life, and feeling no conflict in doing so. And so, it's a simple joy of getting to be your own unique sense - no judgments, no doubts.
Having clarity is often about getting to see what is beautiful in us, more so than coming to terms with what's not. Most of us pay a disproportionate amount of attention to what we fear is wrong with us.
Nevertheless, if there are genuinely characteristics in us we don't like, acknowledging them gives us the opportunity to do something differently. Change is as simple as following through on a new action - once your mind is in line and commits.
We live in a society - the "Western" capitalist, materialistic society - where focusing on the "self" has often gotten skewed into a belief that a self-centred identity (constantly negotiating boundaries against and around the community) is to be valued. Perhaps this has emerged from a rebellion against communities that have become dysfunctional, thus aiming to suppress the uniqueness and creativity - the humanity - of its individuals.
Although many of us have experienced this type of control, it makes no sense for a community to fully and deeply control the behaviours and expressions of its individuals. When a community does this, it is ceasing to function in a way that allows it to benefit from the spirit of its own individuals.
Without this available creativity, only a narrow amount of solutions are available for any problem. This dramatically reduces the community's ability to survive. Indeed, this only happens to a group when one or two key leaders have become distressed to the point of enforcing the complete control of others.
A strong sense of self among individuals in a community results in positive peer pressure. A poor sense of self among individuals in a community results in negative peer pressure.
Support, by its definition, must involve nurturing and encouraging the uniqueness and creativity of the individual. Whenever I explore the area of the human spirit, it strikes me that creativity and spirit are the same thing. It is not really supportive if we are trying to control how someone must respond, rather than encourage them to make the response that resonates from their heart.
Indeed, the individual is not naturally disconnected from the community. The human spirit was designed to soar alongside the hearts of others in its community. We need witnesses, companions, the love and connection of others.
These are the things that heal us when we become hurt. They are required so we can grow. In the absence of these connections, it is difficult for us to take the risks we need to take to discover who we are, or to learn from the things that happened to us that were wholly unexpected outcomes.
Without connections, it is impossible for us to really think big because we can't be really big - beyond our own selves and limitless in the universe.
A strong sense of self, then, does not take us away from community, but allows us to be ourselves and most connected to community - deeply, intimately, and such that it is nurturing for us. Indeed, we cannot build up ourselves in the absence of community. Just as a negative community might erode our self-esteem, so will a positive community nurture it.
How we feel about ourselves involves many aspects. It is entirely possible to be confident in one area and struggle in another. And so, our sense of self grows and develops as we challenge ourselves in those very places we lack confidence to be as we are.
How then do we strengthen our self? It makes sense that it involves taking risks to express ourselves, seeking out positive peer pressure and participating in communities that will strengthen our spirit.
People need people. We live on encouragement, love and a diversity of perspectives. A whole other power is born when we model a faith in each other.
If we made it important that each individual accessed a strong sense of self, there would be no doubt. That would be a beautiful experience.