A mother's comments about her teenage daughter show a fine degree of common sense
MY 13-YEAR-OLD daughter is anxious to go to the local disco too and I am very willing to allow her. I am interested to know if you believe that I am naïve to think that she will mind herself and be honest with me about how it goes. I have never lied to my children, have always discussed my reasons for not allowing them to do something and have been honest in my feelings about sexual activity among teenagers.
This is what I tell them: there is a very complicated emotional side to sex. The physical can be overwhelming as well as very pleasurable, but the emotional experience is very, very mind blowing too.
So, you have to be very careful whom you decide to have sex with, how it is organised for your first time and that you are under no pressure at all when you make that decision to have sex.
The physical side, avoiding unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections or diseases, is also extremely important, but a curable STI or a baby is not as bad as being emotionally damaged by a bad, early sexual experience. So, don't jump in too soon.
I did not get any of that out of a manual, but remember the unsafe sex and guilt I experienced as a teenager in the 1970s when I had little information and no advice.
Am I naïve to believe that they will take my advice? I have no doubt that neither my 13-year-old daughter nor 17-year-old son will come to adulthood without a bad experience with sex or drink and maybe even drugs, but that's life.
I can only watch and wait and hope that if it all goes wrong I can help. Meanwhile, I trust my children. I would welcome your comments.
I am guessing that this is a follow-up to the recent query and my response in relation to young teenagers having the freedom (or not) to go to discos.
So even though yours is not a query, I am going to respond because your comments and description of how you work things in your family have prompted me to think further about the issues that face young teenagers now.
The human brain is continuing to develop and physically mature right up to the age of about 25. So hormones are not the only physiological influencer of teenage behaviour.
The last part of the brain to fully mature is the pre-frontal cortex. The pre-frontal cortex is that part of the brain that is responsible for what are known as the executive functions.
Executive brain functions are things like planning, setting priorities, organising thoughts, suppressing impulses and weighing the consequences of one's actions.
With this in mind, it becomes easier to understand why teenagers seem to make so many rash, ill-judged, impetuous and at times dangerous decisions; the part of the brain that should put the brakes on risky behaviour is still under construction.
Allied to that, sex hormones secreted by the adrenal gland, which are akin to testosterone and oestrogen are especially active in the limbic system during adolescence. The limbic system is the emotional centre of the brain. This means that teenagers are physiologically more likely to look for experiences that create strong and intense feelings.
Other researchers have demonstrated that when teenagers are in groups they take more and greater risks than when they are on their own.
In contrast, adults don't show any difference in the level of risk that they take, whether alone or with peers.
In this context, I cannot help but think that younger teenagers, heading for discos with their mates, haven't a hope of being fully ready and mature enough to cope with the highly charged physical and emotional energies associated with sex and sexual activity. Their brains are simply not ready to cope with the complexity of planning, judging potential consequences and risks and making sense of the experiences that are involved. So, yes, I think you are naïve to believe that your 13-year-old daughter will always mind herself. And, yes I think you are naïve to believe that she will remember to always act on your advice sooner than her own impulses.
But the key to it is, as you describe, that if she doesn't mind herself, or acts against your advice, that she then has the confidence to be honest with you about the mistakes, the joys and the learning that is involved.
Because when parents open up conversations with their children and teenagers about sex and sexuality, it decreases the "mistakes" and increases the age at which teenagers choose to have sex for the first time.
So I applaud your engagement with your children about your beliefs and values about sex and sexual behaviour. These are exactly the gritty and real issues we should be connecting to our children and teenagers about. This is what strengthens and protects them.
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author of the book Parenting is Child's Playand broadcaster with RTÉ television. More information about David can be found on his website www.davidcoleman.ie
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie