The bigger picture: One of the most difficult things to do is listen when people tell us about what's not going well. Being able to invite this feedback demands even more courage.
However, nothing we care deeply about or work very hard for moves forward significantly until we can look realistically at the struggles. Whatever we want to achieve - be it a successful business, a personal challenge or simply emerging from conflict with a loved one - finding the ability to stop talking and start listening is essential.
Unfortunately, however, things tend to go deeply wrong whenever we pay attention to a dysfunction. Actually mentioning the pink elephant in the middle of the room seems to bring with it the most difficult sensation.
We feel failures, inadequate, criticised and isolated. We fear that people will complain endlessly and hopelessly, blaming others for their struggles rather than daring to take responsibility themselves. We feel like no one would understand how hard we've tried.
Worst of all, fear that somehow it might be true that our failings were what made things go so horribly wrong. While we may have started out well - engaging with others to work through a problem - we quickly deteriorate into hurt and confusion.
The feeling of "being responsible" runs deep. It leaves us defensive, while at the same time aggressive. We know the situation is not our fault, and yet can't help feeling like only we believe this. We do feel criticised and blamed, like everyone is out to get us. And, we confuse what we're feeling with what is truly happening around us.
Indeed, there may be criticism, even blame, lurking (and there is no doubt that none is deserved). However, focusing here as a reason not to get through things is also taking our power away. This doesn't mean that we haven't been truly mistreated, and sometimes people need direction on how to behave.
However, it is to notice that we can move forward on any situation when we agree to support each other, and this means listening to each other's experiences of the struggle and remembering that sometimes we feel attacked when we are not actually being attacked. Taking on this stance allows us to access a deep power and be open to gaining support.
All dysfunctions are confusing. They never would have lasted if we could have figured them out easily. And we have been unjustly treated and truly hurt in our lives. This is true for everyone. What's more, we deserve a defence.
Fighting for ourselves is a good thing - a survival mechanism. We are right to be intolerant of attacks. However, a pattern can develop where we believe we are being blamed and controlled at every quarter. This simply is not true. At any given moment, we have access to more power than is apparent, and much more leverage to take charge. What's more, we have access to more support than we think - it is in this connectedness that we find the real power in human beings.
There is nothing that needs to be done in isolation. We do not have to figure things out by ourselves. Humanity is about pulling together. It is possible to give each other love and support without giving any credibility to feelings of criticism. In fact, nothing touches a human being more than the thought of finally being connected to each other. It is from this place that we can really reach each other, invite each one of us to share our struggles, and find the strength to listen.
On the other hand, maintaining a commitment to the belief that others are "out to get us" only fuels a justification for being defensive, withdrawn and static in the struggle.
Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to bring ourselves in close to people while feeling awful. However, this is a decision that just needs to be made - not because it feels safe enough, but because it makes sense.
We deserve to be supported. We need people around to remind us that the reality of this situation might be different from our fears inside our head. When surrounded by people who actually love us, who have shown their willingness to be hopeful and hang in with us, we can solve anything.
Ironically, it's not a requirement to "know what to do". All we have to do is bring ourselves in close to people, look squarely at what's not going well, take turns talking about it and, most of all, really listen.
It is from sharing diverse experiences that we learn more about the situation, get stronger and grow. When we act as a unit, we are able to come up with many more, interesting solutions.
Finally, while it takes some courage to first decide to face a struggle, the experience of doing so makes us even more solid in who we are. We come to belong among a group of people who have decided to solve a problem together.
Instantly, we become connected and experience more love. Most of all, we find ourselves in a much better position than we would ever have been if we chose to remain isolated.
• Shalini Sinha works as a life coach and counsellor and presents the interculturual programme, Mono, on RTÉ Television. She is also a presenter with The Health Squad on RTÉ 1.