Paul O'Dohertytrawls the television and radio listings for health and fitness programmes reeling our way in 2009
WHILE 2009 is definitely going to be the year for the flashbacks of Charlie Haughey telling us to "tighten our belts", or Patrick Kavanagh advising "dry blackbread and colourless tea" as the various panaceas for clearing out the chaffs of our present predicament, there's still the normal post-Christmas dilemma for many of us bloated from the recent Celtic Tiger farewell parties: how are we going to get ourselves fit, beautiful and supple again for the summer hols?
Well, in case we needed reminding, our favourite nannies - television and radio - have it all already worked out, providing a number of health and get-fit programmes, along with other health-related shows for the coming season. To whet the appetite, here are some of the best you can expect on a medium near you.
To begin, a new eight-part series of How Long will you Live?(Wednesday, January 7th, RTÉ1 8.30pm) returns with Dr Mark Hamilton once again trying to regimentalise some desperate so-and-so whose present lifestyle is cutting their life expectancy to shreds.
In the first episode, Hamilton helps out 29-year-old father-of-two, Ian Kelly, from Tallaght, whose 20-a-day smoking habit, stressful lifestyle and weight problem is doing nothing to prolong his lifespan until the bold doctor arrives with a plan.
On a similar theme, the second series of Operation Transformation(Thursday, January 8th, 8.30pm) starts again with Gerry Ryan and Evelyn O'Rourke with help from fitness guru Karl Henry, motivational expert Pat Henry and weight-loss specialist Dr Eva Orsmond, helping six people transform their health and lifestyle.
Getting in on a new angle to change your life, Big Fat Diet(Tuesday, January 6th, ITV, 9pm) is a new six-part documentary that takes one Claire Sweeney (formerly Brookside's Lindsey Corkhill), a fit and healthy 30-something, who decides to relax her healthy lifestyle and go native, eating as much as she wants à la Marlon Brando while putting aside any notions of exercise.
The results? After six weeks, she's up two stone, put 10 inches on her waist and has enough blood pressure to rocket Bill Cullen to the moon. Needless to say, she goes back to her healthy lifestyle after reaching her targets, and within a week she starts to see the effects of her endeavours. Ultimately, a fascinating yo-yo diet for those who don't have a weight problem to start with.
Going into the reality weight-loss genre, The Biggest Loser US(Tuesday, January 6th, TV3, 8pm) has celebrity fitness trainers and health experts overseeing overweight contestants downsizing on a sprawling ranch in the Malibu Mountains. Hosted by Alison Sweeney ( Days of Our Lives), the storyline follows various teams on diet and exercise makeovers chasing the carrot of $250,000 prize money going to the contestant who's lost the most weight, the eponymous "biggest loser".
Going back a generation or two, Top 20 Celebrity Fitness Videos of All Time(Friday, January 9th, TV3, 8pm) does the usual countdown of whose infamous gyrations have stood the test of time from trailblazer Jane Fonda to Geri Halliwell. With Rosanna Davison, Glenda Gilson and Lisa Murphy, among others, telling us their favourites, expect to see Joan Collins, Ali MacGraw and Cher giving it loads.
For the lovelorn, there's a new four-part documentary, The Undercover Princes(BBC3, early January), following three bachelor princes who arrive in Britain in search of true love. Not wanting to attract every second Wag whose boyfriend is not getting into the first team, or those desperados who will love them not for themselves but for the fact that they own most of New Delhi or Zululand, they are going undercover, living and working as "ordinary people" for the first time.
So, taking jobs as barmen, waiters and hotel housekeepers, and sharing a terraced house in Brighton, without their trusty servants, the princes hope to find potential princesses among the "commoners".
And, for any Irish girl or boy (yes, one of the princes is gay) looking for true love, they could do worse than try Brighton. Advice? Well, how about starting in the hospitality trade and looking for someone who answers to 'Prince'.
Into fiction, Caroline Quentin is back in a new six-part sitcom, Life Of Riley(BBC1, early January), where she plays Maddy, a recently remarried 40-something who has found love second-time around with Jim (played by Neil Dudgeon).
Now normally, this wouldn't make its way into a health supplement but for the fact that both Maddy and Jim have children from previous marriages. Thus, bringing together many of the problems facing a modern family where controlling the extended family - with children, stepchildren, step-siblings and half-siblings, and if that wasn't enough, a few ex-partners and in-laws thrown in as well - is more a job for a party whip or chief executive than for newly weds.
Possible lessons for what's going on in the real world? In the first episode, Maddy finds a pregnancy test and is convinced it belongs to one of her stepchildren. However, all is not what it seems.
Moving onto children's television, The Teenagers Guide To Life(Saturday, January 10th, BBC2, 12.20pm) is a new six-part series offering a one-stop guide to everything teenagers want to know but don't know who or how to ask. Topics up for discussion include how tough it is to be a teen, hormones, changing bodies, exam stress, the issue of clothes and how little pocket money you're likely to get if you live in certain households.
The programme makers claim they are also aiming to give young people the essential information for getting through adolescence from "how to pull, how to pass and how to pretend they've known this stuff all along". The last line is enough to have parents hiding the remote control already. It's introduced by BBC Radio 1's Reggie Yates and AJ Odudu.
Later in the year, The Great Sperm Race(February, Channel 4) is an innovative look at the process of human conception, using helicopter-mounted cameras, computer-generated imagery and actors playing scaled-up Woody Allen-type sperm to demonstrate the extraordinary journey from ejaculation to egg.
While in the same month, Boys and Girls Alone(February, Channel 4) is an experiment that constructs a world run by children, devoid of parents, where 10 boys and 10 girls, aged between eight and 11 years old, are given the chance to experience life without adults.
Living in two "villages" and separated on gender lines, they are allowed decide everything about how they live, what they do, what they eat, when they get up, whether they clean and wash, and how they organise and entertain themselves.
Who will cope best without mum and dad? Do girls really grow up quicker? Are boys naturally more aggressive? And who will build the better world?
It should sound like The Twilight Zone or Lord of the Fliesbut one suspects this way of life is already here.
In March, Life and Death at 18(Channel 4) is another new documentary, this time looking at the British National Health Service (NHS), from the perspective that suggests young people in that country are on course to become the first generation to die younger than their parents.
It follows on from health professionals treating teenage patients for obesity, self-inflicted harm and cancer, as well as helping them cope with pregnancy. In the programme, consultants, surgeons, nurses and midwives talk about the problems they face as they treat young patients in their care.
Radio-wise, State of Mind(Wednesday January 7th, BBC Radio 4, 9pm) is a new five-part series that kicks off with presenter Claudia Hammond exploring how the treatment and understanding of mental illness has changed over the past 50 years, with the help of BBC Radio 4 listeners who responded to an appeal for testimonies.
Delving into recent history, Hammond charts the developments in mental healthcare, decade by decade, from the arrival and subsequent impact of the new super-psychoactive drugs in the 1950s to the anti-psychiatry movement of the 1960s that led to the closure of the asylums.
Coming a little more up to date, the programme also covers care in the community in the last 25 years, the building of the Prozac Internationale, and asks what the future holds for mental healthcare.
Of topical interest in these worrying times is Book Club(Sunday, January 4th, BBC Radio4, 4pm,) with James Naughtie chairing a discussion as psychologist Oliver James puts forward many of the arguments in his book, Affluenza, that deals with the modern-day virus.
James acknowledges that the virus is a set of values increasing our vulnerability to psychological distress, with such "symptoms" that include placing a high value on acquiring wealth, attractiveness to others and wanting to be famous.
James also contends that infection with the virus can bring about an increase in your susceptibility to mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse and personality disorder. As part of his research James spent a year travelling around the world - to the US, Scandinavia, Russia, China, the European Community, Australia and New Zealand - looking at rates of depression and comparing and contrasting attitudes to wealth.
Finally, to celebrate the 200th anniversary of Charles Darwin's birth and the 150th anniversary of the publication of On the Origin of Species, there are documentaries on the great man's life. For one, Darwin - In Our Time(Monday, January 5th, BBC Radio 4, 9am) is a four-part documentary presented by Melvyn Bragg The first programme tells the story of Darwin's early life and discusses the significance of Darwin's three years at Cambridge, where he trained for a career in the church.
As part of its 'Darwin Season', BBC Radio 4 is also putting out Dear Darwin(Monday, January 5th to Friday 9th, 3.45pm), a week-long series where eminent thinkers write letters to Darwin providing an insight into how modern-day scientists view the Darwin legacy.
First up is Dr Craig Venter, one of the men who first mapped the human genome, who tells Darwin about his own experiences as a collector and as a hands-on biologist. The series also includes Dr Peter Bentley, who works on cutting edge digital biology, Pro Baruch Blumberg who describes the central issues that viruses raise for biologists, and Sir Jonathan Miller, who picks a fight with Darwin's thesis of reproduction.
All in all, you could say, enough television and radio programmes to start an obsession.
"A new eight-part series of 'How long will I live' returns with Dr Mark Hamilton once again trying to regimentalise some desperate so-and-so whose present lifestyle is cutting their life expectancy to shreds