An au pair can offer a family a more flexible lifestyle, but it's important to find the right person, writes Sheila Wayman
THERE WAS the young Italian woman who admitted after two weeks that she was not fond of children and asked if they could be sent to summer camp. And a desperately unhappy Austrian who, it turned out, was madly in love with a Catholic priest in her home village.
But these were the exceptions. Christine Tannam and her husband Gerard have hosted a succession of excellent au pairs, male and female, from Germany, Norway, Finland and France over the past seven years to help look after Aidan (12), Lara (10) and nine-year-old Louis at their home in Knocklyon, Co Dublin.
The term "au pair" is often misunderstood. Au pairs are young people who come here to improve their English and stay as guests of a family, either for the summer or for the academic year. In return for accommodation, all food and about €100 in pocket money, they help with the children and light housework, generally five days a week, for up to 30 hours, and two nights' babysitting.
They are usually aged between 18 and 23 and have no formal childcare training. Essentially, au pairs are an extra pair of hands and not to be confused with a live-in, qualified nanny, who would be an employee and must be paid at least the minimum wage.
"Louis was almost three when we got our first au pair," says Christine, who was working full time in IT while the children were in a creche, school and after-school care.
"It wasn't working. The creche was costing us a fortune, more than the mortgage. And I was under huge pressure, taking chances with red lights racing to pick up the kids. They were exhausted and I was cranky."
The arrival of a "super" German au pair, 21-year-old Sarah, transformed family life. "It was so much more leisurely all of a sudden and breakfast time was not a crisis." Christine could leave the au pair to walk the children to playgroup and school; the au pair then had the morning off before minding the children in the afternoon and their parents took over in the evening. "We got flexibility back in our lives too, something we had not been accustomed to for some years."
Seven years on, the children are much more independent and the au pair is like a big sister or brother. "The older children are saying 'we don't need an au pair any more'. But I think we have a couple more years yet," says Christine, who now works in human resources with Eagle Star Insurance Company.
She uses the European Au Pair Agency run by Sylvie Levasseur on South Circular Road in Dublin. "Too many people try to take short cuts and do it through the internet, but there is no way to get backup," says Christine. "We have built a relationship with Sylvie. She is there to step in if there is a problem.
"I would select very carefully. Sylvie sends one file at a time and sometimes I know just by reading it that the person is not suitable. We are an outdoor, sporting family and if the person is into books and computers, there is not going to be a fit."
If Christine likes the sound of an au pair from a file, a phone interview is set up. This not only tests the level of English, but also gives both sides a chance to get a sense of one other.
Fiona Byrne of the Shamrock Au Pair Agency in Athy, Co Kildare, always advises clients to go with their gut instinct when they put down the phone after an interview. If they are not sure, they should call again. "The most important thing is for both parties to get off the phone and feel happy."
If someone asks if there's wireless broadband in the house, before asking about the children, that's a definite no-no for Christine. In the past, host families complained about phone bills run up by au pairs, now, she says, some moan about the time they spend on the computer communicating with friends back home.
Christine also rules out people who don't cook. "I am French, I cook, I like to eat properly and I like my kids to eat properly. In the past I have ended up teaching them. But I am sick of doing their mother's job."
Au pair agencies stress that they are working for both sides, trying to match the most suitable people with the right families. They will provide one replacement, or relocation, if things are not working out for bona fide reasons, generally after a two-week trial.
"At the end of the day you're dealing with people," says Byrne. "If there is a personality clash then we will relocate the girl and offer a replacement. We had one family and a girl who just didn't click; we moved her and found a new au pair for the family. The new host family found the first girl fantastic and the replacement girl had a great time with the original family."
Lack of communication is the root of most problems, say the agencies, and clients are always told to write down exactly what duties are expected of the au pairs. There can be cultural differences too, so parents should explain how they want their children to be handled.
"Au pairs need timetables, although they are well aware they need to be flexible," says Levasseur. "But then they can organise their free time and will be happier. And the family can have their own space."
Many of them will attend language classes which is one reason they usually prefer to be close to a town.
As the mother of Miles (16) and five-year-old Jools, Levasseur says if she was not running an agency, she could do with an au pair herself, but having one now would be "too close to the bone". She has used au pairs in the past, including a male one.
"I think guys are great but it is very unusual here. I have placed eight or nine men over the years. In Spain, France, Austria and Germany they are very popular and it's very common. For mums who are separated it can be great to have a male presence, not to replace Dad, but just to balance everything."
Jane Kidd who runs Countrywide Au Pairs says they get lots of requests from male au pairs who want to work in Ireland and it's a pity so few families here want them. "It's a very Irish thing. On the Continent they use them all the time, but it's a mindset here."
She had one client who was divorced and asked for a male au pair. But her ex-husband objected so much to her having a man in the house with the children that she had to let him go.
The Tannams have had two male au pairs, including Emmanuel Peraud (22) from France who has just gone home and been replaced by Anika from Germany. Their sons were keen to have a male au pair they could play soccer with. "But I do find boys can only do one thing at one time," Christine says. "Multitasking is not their forte."
Although you hear the occasional story about "monster" families or "loony" au pairs, the vast majority of placements work out well. The cultural exchanges can be enriching and lifelong friendships formed. The Tannams' first au pair has been back to visit the family twice.
As someone who came to Ireland as an au pair 20 years ago, Christine relates to the youngsters trying to find their feet in a foreign culture. Her teachers at home had told her that they didn't speak English properly in Ireland and she would be better off going to England. But, as a fan of U2 and the Hothouse Flowers, she was determined to come here.
When she stepped off the Roscoff-Cork ferry and caught a taxi to the train station, she began to think her teachers were right. She couldn't understand a word the Cork taxi driver said.
Astonished that the train to Dublin was so slow, she was still in culture shock when picked up by her host family in Dublin and asked if she wanted to go to a post-wedding party that night. She went along, barely understood anything and just remembers that the fact she was wearing socks without shoes seemed to fascinate Irish people.
But it was that first night she met Gerard Tannam too, and they are married 16 years now.
"I want our au pairs to go back to their country and say they had a blast in Ireland," she says. It seems she certainly did.
