Heart Beat Maurice Neligan "A reading from the umpteenth letter of St Bertie to the Confusions" - (V. 1- 1000, 000)St Bertie drew close to the disciples who were gathered in Citywest and who were uncertain and unnerved. He apologised to them and explained that much of the verbal diarrhoea they had been exposed to before his advent had resulted from the decision of some newly eco-conscious disciples to supply only Galway water to the faithful. This, he explained, led to the profusion of motions on the Clar.
As is usual in his writings, there are riddles, parables and contradictions abound, but basically the message he preaches is all about faith. "Yea verily, I say unto you that you had better believe it and peddle it as hard as you can, lest we be cast into exterior darkness.
"Dearly belingered, we are gathered today in the shadow of an election and unless we are prudent, constant and responsible; the other shower could sweep us aside and grab the lot. First and foremost, let us be clear where we stand. I cannot put it better than it was explained to me by the late, blessed Charlie (he'd be a saint if it wasn't for some baseless allegations made against him by the Pharisees and begrudgers).
"He illustrated his advice to me with a story he had borrowed from some Greek chap called Aesop. He, like us, was a great man for the fables. I need hardly tell you that when the chief talked, I listened and strove to learn. This little story was called The Two Crabs. One fine day two crabs came out from their home to take a stroll on the strand. 'Child,' said the father, 'you are walking very ungracefully. You should accustom yourself to walking straight forward without twisting from side to side.' 'Pray father,' said the youngster, 'do but set the example yourself, and I will follow you.'
"Personally, dearly belingered, I think this straight line business can be a bit overdone. I prefer the precept of St Marian: 'Whatever you're having yourself'. Republican, Christian, Socialist, Green, sure aren't we all of them?
"Agree with every grievance, promise every solution, throw in a few sweeties as well, and who knows you might make it to the tent alongside the worthy faithful and a few other useful folk.
"There are some who say that the publicans, sturdy believers of yore, are cast down and dejected, but woe to them who spread such gloom. Is it not to be promised, sotto voce of course, that smoking will be allowed in pubs to save rural Ireland? It could be whispered too, that the blood alcohol limit could be raised to 400mg/ml. The message must be tailored to the doubtful, one size does not fit all.
"Is it not amazing brethren, that after all I, well we, if you insist, have done for them that there are still malcontents abroad who are unwilling to receive the word and, worse, to maximise the trivial anxieties of the people?
"Gird up your loins, fasten your sandals, grasp your stout staff, and march from door to door to spread the word. Hospitals at every crossroads, lovely new schools, with a teacher for every three children, roads, rail links, everything the plebs want will be provided. More gardaí, more doctors, more nurses, a little caution here because these are all a dangerous shower. I can see it all; let's call it The Next Steps Forward For Ireland. The poor benighted masses will swallow anything. Let 'Remember 1977' be on your lips and in your hearts, and press forward to find the Holy Grail of an overall majority.
"But even as I speak to you there are false profits abroad disseminating mendacity and strife. There may even be a Rabbitte in sheep's clothing. Chief among them also is the waffler Kenny; he too shall be cast down like the chancers before him, Garret, Alan, John, Michael. The truly righteous, Charlie and Albert and I, saw them all off, like the false profits they were.
"If you are asked about the foolish builders who built houses on the sand so that when the rain fell and the winds blew and beat against them, and those houses fell, tell the credulous that they weren't foolish men at all. They made a packet of money out of it and that the true fools were those who bought the houses.
"On second thoughts, keep that observation until after the election. Meanwhile, listen sympathetically to them and assure them that all will be fixed. Are we not incomparable as fixers?
"We will abolish all unjust taxes, that's a cute one, except stamp duty. To abolish this might sweep away the foundations of our prosperity and, in any case, our friends from the tent wouldn't like it. They have selflessly built just about everything possible and all they humbly asked were a few trifling tax breaks.
"There will always be things to build and they haven't even got around to tax-exempt mausoleums for the faithful as yet. If that Ozymandias fellow can get a statue, so can I.
"Dearly belingered, I make one last point. Enjoin the electorate, to be like the lilies of the field. They needn't toil and we'll do all the spinning necessary. Exhort them, as St Matthew put it (6:24-34), 'Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own troubles be sufficient for the day.'"
PS: The Confusions were island dwellers on the edge of the world, who were converted by St Bertie and his disciples into believing that there was such a thing as a free lunch.
Maurice Neligan is a cardiac surgeon.