It is usually the mums and dads who often become emotional about their child's first day at school, writes Sheila Wayman
THE ENORMITY of a child's first day at school doesn't really hit home until it happens. The walk to the school gates, the sight of all those other junior infants, the leave-taking. No wonder there are tears - from the parents.
Many of today's four and five year olds, veterans of group childcare and pre-school education, take the start of primary school in their stride. It is their mums and dads who often become emotional about the milestone.
The chief executive of the National Parents' Council (Primary), Aine Lynch, agrees that it can be a bigger deal for the father or mother than the child.
"More and more, the first day of school is not the first day of separation as it once was," she says. "And school is much more structured for children now."
For parents there is the anxiety of handing their child over to the education system. It's not just them making decisions about their child any more, the State has a say now.
However, Lynch adds that it is still a significant step for the offspring. "There is a different feel to school for children compared with daycare."
It is going to be a big day for Karl and Karen Kearins when their only child, Seán, starts at St Paul's National School in Ratoath, Co Dublin, on September 1st.
"He is only four since April, so he will be one of the youngest," Karen explains. "But I just knew he was able for school. He has a very good vocabulary. When I asked them at the creche, they said he was more than ready."
Sean is "very aware and very excited" about starting school. The uniform is bought and also his schoolbag - on the second attempt after Sean put his mother right on the superhero of the moment. She had to go back and exchange the "Superman" one for "Batman".
Karen still remembers her first day at school in Galway and how emotional her mother was.
"My mother cried at the gate. I was so embarrassed, I remember telling her to stop crying, that everybody was looking at her."
So she says she will not cry for Seán but expects her mother, who is flying over from Spain for the occasion, will.
Like many working mothers, Karen's crying was done the first day she left Seán in the creche when he was one.
"I will never forget that day. He was crying, I was crying. I cried all the way to work and all the way home again."
Karen is taking a week's leave from her secretarial job with a chemical company in Mulhuddart to see Seán settled into school.
After that, she feels she will be at a big disadvantage not being able to drop or collect him, as it is more difficult to get to know the teacher and other parents when you are not doing the school runs yourself. The creche has a drop-off and pick-up service and Karl, who is a garda and works shifts, will be able to do it sometimes too.
The couple chose the newer and smaller school in their locality as most suitable for Seán. Set up three years ago, it does not have older classes yet which Karen sees as a plus.
"Seán is quite placid. If kids are in a group, he tends to sit outside. He's quite small for his age and keeps away from bigger boys."
Her only fear about him starting school is that he might not mix. "There's nothing you can do. You can't go in and say 'play with him'! You can't go in and fight his little battles."
The possibility of bullying is not one any parent wants to dwell on, but Lynch recommends that it be discussed with children in an age-appropriate way. "It is very important to discuss things that may not go well," she says. "The child should be aware that if someone is mean to them, they should go to someone."
Otherwise, if a child is bullied, the only information about the situation comes from the bully, whose message is invariably "don't tell anybody".
"Parents don't want to expose their children to horrible things before they have to," Lynch acknowledges, "but it is better to touch on it so a child is prepared."
She also stresses the importance of keeping communication channels open at all times, so your child can talk about what happened at school.
The reply "nothing" to a parent's questioning is quite normal, she says, so don't panic.
"It depends on the child and it depends on the day," says Lynch. "Don't stop asking."
An open-ended question may not be the best approach. "What happened today?" can be too big a question for a four year old," she says.
"Ask specific questions like 'who was your friend today?', 'who was your teacher', 'who did you play with at break time?' "
Although the compulsory age for starting school in the Republic is six, compared with four in Northern Ireland, most of the 60,000 children entering primary education over the coming days will be four or five. Many parents of children born in the summer months agonise over whether they should start them at four, when they would be among the youngest in the class, or hold them for another year, when they would be among the oldest.
It all depends on the child, is the general advice, how developed they are and how sociable. Extra maturity is usually seen as an asset, particularly for boys. But the high cost of childcare means there is no choice for many parents of four year olds.
"Be honest about your motivation for starting a child," advises Lynch. "Ask yourself, 'am I making the decision that is right for my child or is it for financial reasons?' "
If it is because you can't afford full-time childcare for another year, you can put in extra supports for the child. Whereas if you convince yourself it is what is best for the child, you will just carry on as normal.
If a child is young for starting school, try to compensate by taking separate time with that child on Saturday mornings, Lynch suggests. She also recommends that you talk to the school about your concerns so the teacher can take steps to help too.
Luke Hegarty from north Limerick is going to be five in October and his mother, Tracy, has no doubts whatsoever that her eldest son is ready for school. She would have been worried this time last year but says his confidence has come on so much after a year in the "excellent" Ready, Steady, Montessori in Caherdavin.
"I tried on his uniform and people asked me was I teary. I think little boys, when they have a shirt and tie on, look so grown up. So it was more a case of where did those four and a half years go?"
A lecturer at Shannon College of Hotel Management, Tracy can't see herself crying when she and her husband Brian bring Luke to Christ the King boys' school in Caherdavin for his first day on September 2nd. "Proud teary maybe, but not sad teary," she says.
She expects Luke to run in without any great fear. "There will be nothing daunting for him. His classroom is beside the one he was in for Montessori. He will be fine."
Like Karen Kearins, her only slight apprehension is that of bullying - "all you hear about it, it seems to be the in thing". She says he is a serious young boy, asks lots of questions and processes the information.
"It will be the beginning of myself and my husband not having control of his little mind any more. It will be 'teacher says this' and 'teacher says that'." However, she is looking forward to him having another port of call for his inquiring mind.
"It will be fantastic there will be somebody else to answer Luke's questions. It will take the pressure off us!"
ADVICE FOR FIRST-TIMERS
• Don't show any anxiety you might have about the first day to your child.
• Be on time to collect your child after school.
• Don't stop asking your child what happened at school just because you get "nothing" in reply.
• Ask specific questions like "Who did you play with at break time?"
• Make sure your child has some quiet time in the afternoons during the first few weeks as starting school is an exhausting business.
• Build up a relationship with your child's teacher: you have a common goal of doing what's best for your child.