THE BIGGER PICTURE: Love is a most wonderful, powerful experience. It comes from a place deep inside us, allowing us to grow, imagine and create. The ability to love is inherent to our design.
We do not survive unless we are loved. We are nothing unless we can love. It is the reason why we can find beauty in the world, experience deep joy and strive for peace.
Rather than enjoying a world through love, we find so many people hurt by love. In our society, nearly every adult is or has been heartbroken. In fact, our culture of experimenting with several different intimate and interpersonal relationships is one that inadvertently fosters heartbreak.
We expect our children to form personal relationships quickly, believing there are social and emotional skills they will learn from these pairs (despite the absence of commitment in the early stages), and so we encourage the inevitable experience of heartbreak as part of a person's growth and development.
Yet, the things a human needs to learn to be good in a relationship come not from our experiments with others, but from our understanding of our self. Most regrettably, I see few people learning much from their experiences of heartbreak except how to love a little less.
Heartbreak is a natural part of life. Where there is love, there is the potential for heartbreak. Individuals inevitably move in different directions and so at some point we leave ourselves open to pain. In truth, to struggle in life is not the problem. It is to get stuck in our struggle that limits us and jeopardises our health.
It is not necessary that we go through a break-up for us to become heartbroken. Rather, this deep pain comes to us in several different ways. Betrayal is commonly recognised as heartbreaking, and indeed often leads us to ending a relationship and so experiencing loss.
Perhaps the most insidious way is through disappointment. In this way, we find ourselves within a continuing relationship - one which we see no reason to bring to an end - and yet still be, confusingly, heartbroken.
Through love we experience great hope. Or perhaps more practically, when we find hope we feel it as love. For love to be as effective as it is, it must inspire, nurture and challenge us.
And so, often we feel it deeply when it comes to us from someone who stands at a different location from us. It is impossible for one individual, however, to continually inspire us. More so, it is rare that an individual raised within our imperfect world will be so free of their own struggles that we will never feel hurt by the limits to their thinking or the results of their actions. Thus, where two people come together in love, at some point each will fall down heartbroken.
Heartbreak represents the deepest level of grief we can experience. It is a hurt on the level of our most basic needs - to love, connect, feel safe and rely on others. It challenges our perception, judgment, self-esteem and the strength of our immunity.
In this moment, we are shocked, compromised and challenged in our hopefulness. We shift into survival mode, which is necessarily defensive. While stern, emotional self-protection is essential to keep us going, if kept in place it prevents us from allowing love to reach us again. We don't heal or grow.
Heartbreak in life is more than just common. It is a most likely phenomenon when two unique individuals stretch themselves to take risks and touch each other deeply. It is likely in situations in which we find it possible to hold out hope and strive for something greater than average, which we realise is possible.
The practical struggles of individuals are often much less imaginative and flexible than what is in our hearts and so we find ourselves facing hurt in exactly that place where we dared to hope. This feels unbearable.
It is important for our individual health and the better function of society that we come through heartbreak with an ability and willingness to love - deeper than ever. Only then will we ever be able to access again the tremendous regenerative and creative power that is love.
To be loved in our lives is more than a blessing, it is a requirement for soulful living. However, we can only be loved when we open our hearts and let others in. Just as it is possible that everyone may become heartbroken, it is possible that anyone can find themselves within a struggle to think about or function well around others, and so be the ones creating heartbreak.
Thus, we each have a responsibility to learn, seek changes within ourselves and grow in our sensitivity and awareness. Ultimately, love that is based on how good you feel when you think about or are with someone is meaningless.
Love has meaning in the effort we exert to allow another person to flourish. In this way, love requires us to demonstrate humility and thoughtfulness. With these two things in place, we can indeed mobilise a great power.
Shalini Sinha works as a counsellor, life coach and practises the Bowen Technique. She is the life coach with RTÉ's Health Squad.