THAT'S MEN:Texts, e-mails and tweets complicate matters, writes PADRAIG O'MORAIN
BREAKING UP is hard to do but harder if you don’t do it right. That’s the view of every sensible person on the planet – but sense goes out the window when emotional turmoil strikes.
The digital age in particular makes breaking up messier than it used to be as texts, e-mails, tweets and so on frequently continue after the break-up or may suddenly start up after months of silence.
This is why I was interested in therapist Robert Weiss’s five rules for a clean break-up and particularly rule number two which is to stay off the phone with your ex.
By the phone, Weiss also means texts, e-mails, face-time, Skype and all the rest. “If the relationship is recently over, then unless you share children or need to exchange property there is no reason to talk further right now,” he writes on his blog, Sex Intimacy in the Digital Age.
I’m sure people always found it difficult to break up cleanly, especially if they were the ones getting dumped, but once upon a time and not all that long ago, a letter might be the only means of communication with the former girlfriend/boyfriend and “return to sender” took care of that.
Things got complicated when texting arrived, especially since the recipients of unwanted texts seem to have a compulsion to read them.
The desire to maintain contact is, usually, understandable, but as Weiss warns, “A friendship might develop at some point later, but for now, being in contact will only produce confusion not clarity.”
He recommends to all involved in a break-up to “take a good month or two and cut off communication so you can heal”. Essential communications, regarding paying bills for instance, can be handled in very brief texts or e-mails.
What was rule number one? It’s to take all the stuff that reminds you of your ex-partner (except children or animals of course) put it in a box, tape the box closed and give it to a friend to mind for you. And don’t make a bonfire out of it. “Make sure you can get these things back . . . at some point he or she may want some of it returned or you may want some of it later,” he writes. But for now, and I really like this: “Put the pain provokers away”.
Other rules? Talk to friends and family about your hurt – assuming you are the one who’s hurting – as often as you like and for as long as they will listen. In my experience, women are good at doing this but men less so. Go on, give them an earful.
He also suggests finding healthy indulgences to get you through the break-up – shopping, movies, football, the gym and so on. All this is preferable to getting smashed or stoned and much preferable to falling straight into some disastrous new relationship.
His last rule is to get out of the house. “Breaking up means evolving a new you, the you without a partner. Get some distance from your day-to-day life. Go to the mountains, the beach, a retreat or some place special. Spend some time in nature.”
You can read Weiss’s full post at http://bit.ly/breakuprules
Following a recent column on the health dangers of unemployment, Maria Fingleton of the South Dublin County Sports Partnership tells me of a great idea called Link2B Active which enables people on social welfare to get reduced fees for sports/leisure activities in South Dublin County. The programme is backed by the Irish Sports Council and is in the course of being implemented across the Republic.
“The idea is simple,” writes Fingleton. “Under Link2B Active, local participating facilities such as gyms, leisure centres, all weather pitches, pitch and putt clubs, etc are offering reduced rates to people on social welfare payments.” This helps counteract the negative health effects of unemployment, for instance, and brings an income stream into the facilities in question, so everybody wins.
Padraig O'Morain (pomorain@ireland.com) is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book, Light Mind – Mindfulness for Daily Living, is published by Veritas. His mindfulness newsletter is free by e-mail