Miscarriage: My friend was expecting her first baby but has just had a miscarriage. This is my first time to experience miscarriage at close quarters and I'm at a loss as to how to handle it.
Although statistics tell us that miscarriage is a fairly common experience, few of us are aware that the spontaneous loss of a pregnancy within the first 24 weeks occurs in about 20 per cent of all known pregnancies. When it happens to someone close it can be quite a shock. Grief in a situation like this is not just an individual experience but is a communal one, and it is natural that you should feel upset.
People are often surprised by the depth of emotions that a miscarriage can unleash. But pregnancy is a time of great emotional as well as physical change for the mum-to-be and all those around her. The grief is for the loss of not just an individual but of future hopes and plans.
What should I say to her? I'm really afraid of saying the wrong thing.
The best approach is to be honest. It's natural that you should be afraid of putting your foot in it, but if you don't know what to say, tell her just that. She and her partner need support and you don't need fancy words or rehearsed speeches to let them know you are there for them. Encourage her to talk about her experience; she may need to tell and retell her story in order to move through the process of grieving.
Listen to her and look after her in small ways during this difficult time. Research has shown the immense value of friends and relatives at this time in assisting those who have experienced the trauma of miscarriage. Time and kindness are the only things that are needed at this time.
Are there any books you could recommend on the topic?
The best book I have ever read on the topic was published in 2003. Written by Bruce Pierce, a chaplain at the Toronto General Hospital, he previously worked as the full-time Church of Ireland chaplain at the Adelaide and Meath Hospital at Tallaght. Miscarriage & Stillbirth - the changing response, published by Veritas, is an insightful resource for families, friends and professionals who find themselves dealing with the aftermath of miscarriage. You could also contact the Miscarriage Association of Ireland at 01 8224688 for more information and support.